What is a relapse for a recovering porn addict?

The word “relapse” is overused in the porn addiction recovery community.

What IS a relapse?

Relapse is not only an action, it is a concept. For example, the action of gambling is an enjoyable pastime or many people, but for a gambling addict, it is likely a relapse. A relapse is a deliberate, conscious, thought-out abandonment of your addiction recovery plan. To properly determine the criteria for what a “relapse” is for you, you have to define what your goals are and what you are recovering from. For example, there is a difference between a relapse for porn addiction versus a relapse for non-porn compulsive sexual behavior.

What is a slip-up?

Relapses are related to but distinct from slip-ups, which are defined as a return back to the unwanted habits, or otherwise not reaching your personal goals, after a period of successful recovery. Sometimes, “slip-ups” are referred to as “slips” or “setbacks.” A slip-up refers to an incident that doesn’t quite meet the criteria for a relapse (remember that relapses are a full abandonment of your recovery plan).

What ISN’T a porn addiction relapse?

It’s important to not overuse “relapse” because it helps mental healthcare professionals to properly interpret the anecdotal experiences that we share in the community. It’s good to be on the same page. “Relapse” is a medical term for a diagnosable mental health issue.

• Things that are outside of your control such as wet dreams (also known as sleep orgasm or nightfall).
• Checking out a person who you think is attractive, even if it is a personal goal of yours not to do so.
• Fantasizing. It may be a personal goal of yours to not think about porn or fantasize about sexual encounters, but it doesn’t count as a full-blown relapse.
• Accidentally stumbling across porn and then quickly closing it. While it may be disappointing, again, things outside of your control are not relapses.
• Non-excessive porn-free masturbation. As the mental health community does not support that masturbation is inherently “bad” or “unhealthy,” it cannot be accurately pathologized as a medical issue. Masturbation and masturbation frequency is a personal decision.
• Masturbating once without the use of porn.

What could be considered a porn addiction relapse?

In order to have a “relapse,” you must be a porn addict. Non-addicts have “slip-ups,” not “relapses.” Relapses can manifest in a number of ways, including:

• Deliberately masturbating to a porn video.
• Deliberately using pornography consciously for a sustained period of time, even without masturbating to it.
• Masturbating to porn, even without an orgasm, for an extended period of time. (edging is still masturbation!)
• Going on a porn binge session.
• Deciding, as a porn addict, to give up pursuing recovery.

Remember, a relapse is all about intention. If you have a one-time slip-up by accident or a fluke occurrence where you don’t give up on the recovery process, it probably would not count as a relapse. Relapses are an abandonment of your recovery plan.

What could be considered a porn addiction slip-up?

Slip-ups are a less technical term that you define for yourself. Activities where you are not reaching your goals, but not technically qualifying as relapses, could be referred to as slip-ups.

• Quickly loading up a porn website and then closing it, stopping yourself from a prolonged porn session.
• Checking out a porn-substitute.
• Masturbating, if you set a personal goal of abstaining from masturbation for a period of time.

The phrase “reset” is often used interchangeably with “slip-up.” Within the NoFap community, a reset refers to the act of “resetting” your day streak counter back to day one. You define your own sexual health goals. Before starting your reboot, it might be a good idea to decide on which behaviors will constitute a “reset” for you. You might “reset” your day counter as a result of either a relapse or slip-up.

What about non-porn compulsive sexual behavior?

The World Health Organization recently classified Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder, often abbreviated as CSBD. While CSBD includes porn use, it also is an umbrella diagnosis that also includes partnered sexual behavior. While our website does focus on porn addiction, a number of our users utilize it to recover from non-porn compulsive sexual behavior.

What could count as a non-porn compulsive sexual behavior slip-up or relapse?

• Masturbating in a way that harms others or puts you at risk of serious repercussions, such as masturbating in public.
• Masturbating very excessively to the point that it negatively impacts your life.
• Skipping important obligations, such as work, because of an uncontrollable need to masturbate then and there.
• Participating in sexually exploitative behavior, in a way that breaks laws or violates the consent of another individual.

Even if it is a personal goal of yours to not masturbate for a period of time, the mental healthcare community considers moderate masturbation to be a normal, non-pathological behavior. Masturbation exists in nature, whereas digital porn does not. Orgasms are considered a normal part of human life – and while you may hold personal views, moral views, or religious views about masturbation, there is not a need to invoke addiction terminology. Words can be important. If you want to abstain from masturbation for a period of time completely to “reboot” your sexuality, by all means, avoid masturbation for that period of time. But if you slip up and masturbate once without porn, call it a reset or slip-up. You failed to reach your goals. And it’s okay to acknowledge that.

Stop worrying so much!

So many people ask “was this a relapse?” when the real question should have been “did this move me closer to my goals?” Instead of focusing on the minute details of whether or not a particular thing that you did “counts” as a relapse, focus on making improvements to prevent the same thing from happening again in the future. If you find yourself stuck or wondering which behaviors define a relapse for you, you might want to consider meeting with a porn addiction therapist.

Most people on this thread do not have any treatment, recovery plans, or otherwise- they just wake up one day and say ‘I’m never going to do this again’ over and over hoping it will eventually work.

If you are constantly making the same commitment […] over and over just to break your streak after some trivial period of time, you aren’t relapsing. You are just practicing intermittent abstinence […] Not only that, but once you ‘relapse’ once, you can’t do it again until you actually get sober. You cannot relapse more than one time in the same day!! That’s not how it works! Once you relapse you cannot do so again unless you recommit to your recovery and treatment- the relapse occurs when you break free from the commitment to your recovery in order to indulge your addiction.

If you genuinely believe that you are a PMO addict, then willpower is NEVER going to work. It may work for a few days, months, or whatever- but eventually it willpower will be broken. Please, if you are an addict, go seek help from a real addiction counselor, an organized support group, and develop a real plan of treatment and recovery.

Community Member