“My Life As a Porn Addict” story featured in Esquire

MARCH 30, 2023 – Esquire Magazine published a story about “porn addiction” as the latest installment of a series titled The Secret Lives of Men, created by Los Angeles-based writer John McDermott.

The story features a 54-year-old man (nicknamed George) who didn’t get into internet-based pornography until his thirties. Eventually, it escalated to the point where he “would start watching porn and hours would go by.” George first encountered printed pornography at the age of ten; however, he described not having any issues with pornography use or masturbation in his teens or twenties, mainly due to pornography being much harder to access pre-internet.

Today’s digitally-based porn is very different from the physical pornography of the past.

Printed pornography, or even video pornography, often required some up-front cost, a place to store it physically, and interaction with other humans to acquire it. In other words, there was a limit to how much of it you could consume. With the digitization of pornography and the distribution of it through the internet, it seems impossible to view all of the porn that exists, and it’s often freely available – just a click or tap away, anytime, anywhere. Unlike overeating (where you’re limited to your stomach capacity), or gambling (where the size of your wallet limits you), there are virtually no limits to how much porn a person can use.

George knows that he was fortunate compared to today’s children and teens, who are often growing up using Internet-based porn. One of George’s friends, who also struggles with porn, confided in him that “If internet porn had existed when we were teenagers, I probably never would have gotten married and started a family.” The author John McDermot pointed out on Twitter that “This was a guy who didn’t have internet until his 30s, a fully-formed adult. We have an entire generation of boys who went through childhood and adolescence w/ unfettered access to porn. And we wonder why they’re emotionally and sexually stunted.”

George described how porn use affected his love life, sharing that “I would be with a girlfriend and fantasizing about a porn scene I had watched. One time I was with a girlfriend and I suggested we watch porn while having sex.” Indeed, this experience is shared by thousands of porn addicts who report that they cannot maintain sexual arousal during partnered sex or need to fantasize about porn to maintain sexual arousal.

George also pushed back on some of the misconceptions floating around about problematic porn use, where it is falsely framed as a moral issue.

“I belong to a men’s group. We get together and discuss various issues we’re dealing with. I told the group that I had quit porn but was finding it difficult. I didn’t think it would be controversial, but one guy exploded. He called me a Puritan and “anti-sex.” He accused me of projecting my guilt onto others. None of that is true. There’s nothing wrong with having a high sex drive and enjoying sex. And I don’t object to masturbation. My concern is pornography fucks all of that up. Sex is better when you don’t watch porn.”

George is backed up by the World Health Organization, which makes it clear that compulsive sexual behavior differs from religious, moral, or cultural disapproval of otherwise unremarkable porn use.

George further elaborated on how he plans to inform his children about porn when they grow older:

“Some dads worry that their daughters’ boyfriends will have sex with them. I worry that their boyfriends won’t want to have to sex with them or won’t be able to. I worry my daughters will blame themselves and feel unattractive, when the truth is it has nothing to do with them. It will be because years of porn watching have addled these boys’ minds — and their hearts. My daughters are too young for this discussion right now, but the oldest is entering adolescence and I think about how to broach the subject with her.”

Thankfully, George seems to be doing well.

He shared that he stumbled across Gary Wilson’s TEDx talk, The Great Porn Experiment, eight years ago, then read posts on online forums, including Reddit’s r/PornFree. George says he doesn’t like to think of himself as a recovering porn addict, but as someone who has decided to stop watching porn.

“I stopped watching porn cold turkey. It was far more difficult than I expected. I started dreaming about porn scenes. If my wife was asleep, I found myself wanting to go into another room and watch porn.

After about a month without porn, my consciousness became clearer. The cravings subsided and I noticed I was more present with my daughters. I had more energy. I took more pleasure from ordinary life.”

View the story on Esquire.com.