why only i am facing this ? have no courage to die ): all my dreams have gone..

Hello all,
i have already posted my story as 3 threads in this platform, but the story is so big that i posted it all once

posted the story again in parts need your help brothers

 

the first part of the story : i am 23 year old i was born as a male and i wish to identify as a male; i am struggling with this issue since 11 years and from an year it became HELL for me

The story started when i was in school
1) Basically we are 2 batches until 5th class, in the batch where i am ; there is a guy to whom i used to fear;
he used to threathen me that he will rob my books and tear them, its because of that i used to fear of him and do what ever he says - he used to say to do some things against the other batch

we all used to wear shorts until we come to 6th class, idk he is odd meaning he is strange he used to act like a female kind of being male

2) when i reached 6th class, finally that guy left the school - i am really happy for the first time as there is no torture for me but then the actual problem started ):

we both 2 batches became 1, as i did things against them so they started taking revenge on me now
i used to have a lot of fights with all of them, even the teacher is along their side; so i was only corned by all of them

as i mentioned even now when i remember of school days i still got the scenes of me being alone,crying a lot
no friends from my school are with me now

i remember when i was in 6th class, i first went to internet cafe with a class mate to see nude girls pictures and i still remember a black lingerie girl showing pussy pic

from then i started mastrubating, tbh i dont know what it means - it was just rubbing my hands on my tool which generated cum and it made me feel sleepy - i started liking it and started doing it as much as i can in a a day and every day

later i started going to internet cafe to fap for ONLY HOT ACTRESS PICS,IMAGES,STILLS,ROMANTIC SONGS - THAT CONTAIN NO NUDITY AND THEY ARE NOT CONSIDERED INTO PORN!

TRIGGER POINT 1 :
---------------------------
when i was in my 7th class, some class mates as a part of revenge on me did a marriage kind of act with a male to me where i played the female role . for them it is funny they all laughed but it triggered me a lot ):
from then i started having these fanstasies. These fantasies include : me either dressing as a female (or) me as a female (or) me as a bottom having fun with a guy(male) i know and i used to fap for them

i used to fap for these fantasies rarely - when i complete fapping, i used to say this to me : YOU ARE NOT THIS! so i stopped fapping

most of the time i used to fap for only me having fun with girls

when no one is at my home, i used to download a hot song,play it, me removing my dress and rubbing a pillow on my body imagining me as a girl ):

sorry for the long part and bad language - i just want to include everything

 

SECOND PART
-------------------
when i got into 6th class, i first saw her - she is one of the cutest girl i have seen in my life
obiviously no one will forget their first crush right

i am usually a shy guy - so not courage to talk to girls - i like her , she is my first crush,first love,everything
even after all these many years,she remains special in my heart

it was one side love though - i didnt have the courage to talk to her
after our 10th class farewell i called her to wish her on her birthday
we became friends and we used to talk - i decided to propose her but that failed as we didnt get a chance to meet her

one day i got a message i didnt knew it was from her as i didnt save her new number so i asked who it was?
, after that i didnt get a response from her

so it remained as a failed love story ):

DURING MY 12TH CLASS
-----------------------------------
it was at the same time, i first seen her(a new girl) at the temple lights, she looks so gorgeous ):
i started following her
daily i used to wait for her on the cycle and see her pass by - that was the biggest moment at that time
one day i reached her home following her to know her address

later when i was in my grandparents place, i got a message from someone asking to pay money for their call - i see the profile pic resembles her but was not sure
i asked who it was? no reply

i was caught by police as i was following girls and they warned me - so from then i didnt went to see her

so this remained too as a failed love story ):

 

share your thoughts brother, i digged up myself so long that i feel i am gay now i am bottom ):
my dream is to start a family with a girl i feel i cant achieve it now
please support me guide me and i will continue the rest parts of story

 

can anyone help me brothers? i need your support please

 

thanks @oretna for replying, yeah its only the first beginning of my story
there is lot more to continue where i started believing that i am not perfect
can i continue the rest of my story?

 

brothers and sisters, i will continue the rest of my story ; please guide me in this journey
you will get to understand why i am thinking like this ):

 

THIRD AND MOST IMPORTANT PART OF MY STORY
----------------------------------------------------------------------
i joined in computer science in engineering, at a stage i looked for love in almost every girl
but this was unexpected

in my final days of engineering, i met her
there started a rumour that i like her in my class, even i dont know about it tbh
but the rumour spread so fast that she got to know about it
she wanted to ask me whether i like her or not

finally the farewell day has came, all our classmates planned to do a party at a restaurant
suprisingly it was her birthday
we all had moments in that farewell day, when the day comes to end i couldnt control myself as i am gonna miss all the class mates so i left the party crying ):

but the rumour went like i cried and left the party cause i am gonna miss her

she messaged me asking why did i left crying? i mentioned saying i couldnt control as it was last day
and left but she didnt trust that as she still have a doubt on me
tbh at that time i really dont like her so i was honest about it

slowly we became friends
i started liking her more tbh
luckily we had a second farwell(this was arranged by our juniors), she came there at the end of day
when i was leaving, she called me and asked for a photo with me
damn no one asked me like that
we clicked pictures and left
later i asked to send those pictures and we slowly became friends
we started talking every day - day and night
i started liking her more
she still had a doubt on me - she was sure that she didnt like me at all ( whenever we used to talk she used to mention that she has no interest in me romantically)
i started liking her
to be continued...

 

continuation of THIRD PART
----------------------------------------
its like i am fear to propose her because i will get rejected
and i thought at some point she will like me back

we had fights in between but end of day we are still talking

i still remember the date 27 dec 2021
she pinged me saying that her friends are teasing her because she was talking to me
i felt bad and cried for that - its because of me she is facing issues
from then she started talking less

and then the actual problem started and my life completely went upside down ):

 

FOURTH PART (TRIGERRING POINT)
------------------------------------------------
In Jan 2022, i went to my cousins place, and we all decided to go to a restaurant
we are total 5 including me (my cousins are smaller than me in terms of age)
and we had 2 bikes - 1 bike(my cousin,me,another cousin) and 2 bike(my another cousin and brother)

we went to restaurant - the roads are not good due to patches and the bike jerked
at that moment my body touched his body - idk why it felt triggered for it?
but i felt something weird and that night i fapped for that - i still dont know why i felt that way?

in febuary 2021 , she removed me from her friend account without saying anything to me
i was shocked - the next day i asked she mentioned she is leaving her social media and removed everyone
from then she stopped talking to me - its only like whenever i send a message she used to respond one liner

that time when she left my SSA increased a lot
i had an instagram account, i changed my user name to a female(mostly random) and used to send friend requests to a male
mentioning that i am female - asking them for sex chat/roleplay
they used to send me hot nude sex pics and videos
i used to fap a lot me imagining as a female ):

it went for 7 days friends - i couldnt control myself and i contiously fapped for those fantasies
then i did nofap for 3 days then again fapped for 7 days for these fantasies

in my childhood also i used to fap for these fantasies - where i used to imagine me getting ready as a female/playing the bottom role but i didnt felt happy with that

most of the time in my childhood i was only fapping for girls and been in love even though one sided
that made me happy
i still remember at one point in my life, i fapped a lot continuously me eating a girls
that gave me max high - that is peak point in my life

but now the situation is completely reveresed ):

will stop here , please share your thoughts and will continue the rest of my story

sorry for bad language - its just i dont want to miss any detail

 

hello @Last Hope 000 and @oretna
please share your thoughts brothers
when you are free

 

i will explain you brother why i am not doing nofap?
can i continue the rest remaining part of my story?

 

FIFTH PART(TRIGGERING POINT)
-----------------------------------------------
even though she left me saying nothing and even though i am struggling with SSA and these feelings and girly and bottom fantasies, i still love her brother.
i imagined a family with her i have some plans too

we both had a common friend(a male) - he knows that i love her
i thought he told her about my love before i proposed and it went like i hided so its because of that she left me ):

the reason i thought like this is : i had a call with him , i said to him that i am fear to propose her , at that time i heard a voice from background( a girls voice indicating a symbol of shock) , i thought it was her voice

so she left me ): and i stopped talking to him as well

on may 2022, i first entered into PORN and this screwed up my life to the core ):
it was for the first time i saw a porn scene where a boy is eating a girls bottom
that scene triggered me a lot - i thought how would a girl allow someone ? he is not her husband right?

i started fapping for that scene where i imagined me eating that girls bottom
and i started imagining the girl i love in that scene where i eating my girl
man that gave me happiness
but the problem and the mistake i did is : all my love converted into LUST!

and i have suspect on my friend right? so whenever i try to fap for me having sex with her i started getting thoughts as she and him ):
i cried a lot for that , idk my tool is getting triggered for it ):
i read in internet that its called CUCKOLD!
so i have been jumped into these worst fantasies! ):

i tried to manage everything and i remember i did nofap for a week or 2 (i dont remember exactly), and i want to give up everything , solve my problems, build myself and want to propose her expressing everything including my SSA only when i won this; and with her permission i thought of marrying her

at that time i still have hope that she will accept my love

finally i have written a big letter with 6 pages or more expressing my love to her and gave it to her girl bestie and informed her to give it to me

finally she got that letter and she teared that letter ): she rejected me ):

even though she rejected me at one point in my life i decided to stay single with love on her
i decided to wore a ring - imagining she wore me that ring and stay single for rest of my life

she left me finally and SSA and these girly/sissy/bottom feelings and increased to the core

i started wearing girls dresses when no one is at my home and fapped
i discovered gay sex chat and started doing roleplays and sex chats where i played the female role
i even put an object into my ass and fapped for it

i decided to die as i dont have a solution - all my dream is to have a family with a girl

i read a lot of articles in internet, there it is mentioned as i am GAY
i understood i am gay or bi - not perfect 100%

I MISSED ONE IMPORTANT THING : earlier in my chilldhood i used to get these fantasies in my dreams and when i woke up i coulnt control myself so ending up in fapping

when i started these sex chats things, i observed my chest(my man boobs) increased and became tight and i feel weirdness in my ass(not sure what the feeling is tbh)

i cried a lot at first, beaten myself a lot, then after sometime i said to myself that it is okay and accept that i am gay

WHEN I SAID TO MYSELF LIKE THIS : MOST OF THE FANTASIES(90%) STOPPED COMING IN DREAMS
I FEEL FEAR BECAUSE AS I ACCEPTED IT THEY STOPPED COMING?

even now i couldnt control myself and i still fap as much as i can every day

i lost half of my hair(on sides in front) because of over mastrubation - i used medicines even that didnt worked

after all these struggles, i met a girl online, i decided to date her , at one point i felt i like her so confessed and she accepted
GLAD AFTER ALL LOVE FAILURES ONE GIRL LIKED ME

she knows i am struggling - but i didnt expressed all these
even she is struggling with some kind of issues ):
so she mentioned lets part away and heal ourselves and if we meant to be destined we will be together!
i somehow resonates to her as i am also struggling ):
but i lost her too ):
tbh i only felt attraction towards her only small at times not all times ):

i lost all attraction towards girls - literally 0
at one point i pressurized myself to fap for a girl and i remember it took me more time to fap for her and i didnt feel happy as i felt in the past

i feel wet around man boobs, idk why i desire to be dominated by a male?
all my sexual preferences changed ):
and i lost all hope

at one point i didnt feel attracted towards girls - i felt why is so special aobut girls?
when i think of male tool, my heart triggers (may be excitement or fear? idk )
i have a friend(to whom i fap a lot), when i think of him my heart triggers now?(idk my hear likes him?)

all the dreams of me getting married to a girl are vanished ):
i understand that i am sissy or gay or bisexual bottom
in all these cases i cant marry a girl ):
i need to be a cuck - i promise i will never be! if thats the case i will stay single or will die!

i chatted with women too in sex chat and asked them why they came here? - they mentioned they are not happy sexually by their husbands!
i feel fear no one should get that place just because they are my wife!

coming to nofap - i knew brothers , if i do nofap i will clearly get to know who i am?
but i am not ready to accept myself if i am gay?
all are dreams will be vanished right?
i knew right know i am forcing myself somehow for a girl! but thats what i want from me brother

i am not ready to accept myself if i am gay!
so i am not doing nofap - and also i am easily accessible to these stuff so i coulnd control myself ):
also i am fapping for sissy posts in twitter too

i failed in love nearly 4 times - i feel god removed them from my life because i am gay?
all these thoughts screwed my mind ):

one thing i missed is : WHEN I WAS ON HIGH TO FAP FOR THESE FANTASIES, I USED TO GET TOILET(IDK WHY I USED TO GET IT SOMETIMES I FEEL IT IS STOPPING ME FROM FAPPING TO DO THESE FANTASIES )

SORRY FOR THE LONG PART - IF I MISS ANYTHING I WILL ADD FURTHER - BUT I FEEL I COVERED MAX STROY

 

sorry for the really long post brother, but take your time and share all your thoughts
@Last Hope 000