I have relapsed, and thensome - I know now that I must blame porn and all related non-monogamous oriented activities for what has become of my worthless life, and that I must quit - and quit cold - quit all the streaming, all the stored data, even all the memories, and certainly all the opportunities that I fake convince myself are on the horizon - and what would these be anyway? If successful I would risk my entire life for fleeting moments of impropriety - for what? - all to be forgotten
dudes are in my house fixing a water problem - so that will help me stop - now let me see if I can take down that pornhub video I put up without lingering with strangers in the house - lucky for me this lady is not understanding how to view a video - by Tuesday I'll give up on her if she still doesn't get it - also luckily it has no views - what a weird world I decided to inhabit per an addiction based on fleeting spurts and nothing more
I don't remember too well - but I think I must have yesterday... no time to today - unless Tommi gives me a call
Not that anybody's listening - but - I think I have a modicum of control again - just a modicum - BUT I'm not going to try again until my GF feels better
site is taking a while to load today - I'll blame that for how long I've been on the computer - nah, but seriously... tomorrow morning, pornhub membership, fake email and tumblr all will be deleted
I think it's been at least a day or two - but I can't remember so this will be day 1. I successfully asked and answered questions when I thought I had a decent opportunity a few minutes ago. Not even horny, just had the right slice of time to make it happen. I had to ask "do I really believe this is ruining my life" - I said yes - "so then forget it" "ok, I'm gonna log this in my journal on nofap" maybe I should transfer out of the newbie section now....
First real test of this second time around - had great sex last night - probably because I haven't looked at porn in a while - but still I want to yank it as soon as I come home. . . . good thing I have 4 alerts here on NoFap
I met with a widow today, hoping somehow we'd get to the point where we could fuck, and cheat on my gf. Or... I should say somewhere south of hoping, and north of "I'll take it" - but we have no chemistry so nothing happened. I'm only a little turned on by the situation - I sort of want to fap about it. It might bring me to porn, or to cam myself. But this is helping me realize that it's not just porn, but it's not sex itself. Porn and fapping - yes - strange sex - or new sex - yes - if I could get it I'd be addicted for sure..... I still love having sex with my girlfriend but I don't have these obsessive feelings about it - I can feel the difference between being addicted and not. I get dopamine with novelty and I crave it.
I forgot one of my accounts - the chaturbate account - deleted it just now after relapsing twice in the last few days from it - today I just let myself get frustrated with something else I was trying and failing to do, so I turned to my dick - coming here to calm down - didn't come today - but could have - trying now to come all the way back down so I don't
ok - I think Nofap may have calmed me down a little bit - the last noelle I believe her name is, had a post I happened upon that really convinced me to stop the direction I was going toward this morning, really made sense in a specific way to the excuse I was making for myself - and now the time I've spent on nofap has taken up the hole in my "schedule" from which I was going to fill with porn. just going to look up one thing on HERE, then be on my way
came here when tempted to porn out - read so much stuff that I'm tired now. will nap the fap out ...now.. .
yesterday worked - today I'm so sad and depressed. I just want to forget the world, escape to a world of fantasy that we all know, cum and go to sleep... preferably forever... I might be able to resist - there's a lot to do - it's overwhelming... too much to do, no time... and my reaction is to want to waste more......
keep visiting nofap to fight the urges - I just get tired and want to go to bed - which is the closest thing to a trigger...
What tumblr are you talking about? Im single so just curious why you have not been making love to your GF more that you are not masturbating?
It was my own personal tumblr - I've deleted it, so what other details would you like? I have been making love to my GF - I don't report it everytime it happens - the frequency has always been independent of whatever my masturbation habits are at the time anyway - believe it or not. Occasionally there is a correlation between HOW we do it - that is, the manner in which we do it (all details I would share but are likely "triggers") and whether I 'O' as y'all like to call it, or whether I fantasize in order to get to an "O" - but the frequency is probably 95-99% based on a combination of her desire, time of day, recent activities (i.e. have we been real busy or going out late etc.) - if we depended on my desire in that formula (and I'm not complaining) then maybe it would correlate to my struggle more. I CAN say also, and have, I believe, that our lovemaking is better when I have a substantial streak going - I actually came on to report a relapse yesterday ... I 'll do a new entry for that though
I am very good at not forming bonds with online communities - therefore I don't get attached to things that are kind of time wasters - but I still reap some benefits - the most important benefits - still - it feels like it's too bad...