You thought right! Don’t concentrate on your mistakes, there is always a time when we do something wrong, but we have to concentrate on the success that we made and in the fact that we improved while achieving them! You can still do 40 days! I believe in you! :D
I understand. I used to stuff my feelings down with pmo. Then, during hard boot all those feelings I'd stuffed down came up like an emotional burp.
I won't be able to get through without expecting some kind of "over the hump" moment amongst the perpetual meaninglessness
Sometimes I suffer from this so I know the feeling, trying to get rid of this. Right now don't look for any reward and continue I know its hard and continue your journey. Keep Up & Best of Luck for the rest of your journey.
Maybe you're future tripping. If you can see the reward of being alive right in this moment, it might help. This moment is the fulcrum on which you can move the biggest change.