Day 4 . Slept bad but didn't wank in the uni's toilets to reduce stress . I am studying in the library.
Day 4 felt kinda insecure about my height , weight and lack of facial hair. I feel like a big baby. However I studied today and made progress . I'm gonna give my degree my all now . I really want to move away from my house now . Gonna learn how to drive . Basically I want to feel like a grown up. I'm going to buy food and exercise tommorow, I've written a diet . I've deleted one of my social media that could cause a relapse because girls in a group chat I was in were talking about sexual content. I can't wait to finish a week of nofap.
I felt super energetic today . I was under a bit of stress today , that would have caused me to masturbate for relief. I also was more confident around strangers today . I couldn't finish the workout , I'm not surprised.(chest couldnt finish , abs could not start and cardio didntt even try It has been almost 9 months since I did consistent exercise so I am not surprised. I bought an electronic weight scale to measure my food. I have avoided the toxic chatrooms. I have loads of studying to do.
I got rejected to all the summer internships I applied to . I am feeling kinda dissapointed but I will research new companies to apply to this weekend .
I feel crazily relaxed. Like too relaxed . I'm confident as anything . It is like I exude confidence , and I am a short guy. I need to channel the energy towards exercise and studying though.
Day 13 , I feel too relaxed and non chalant about some important things ,but some other issues I discovered they bother me more than I want to really admit . I have zero social anxiety now.
Day 14 . Today feels like my hardest day.This summer is going to be hard , I need to be occupied and motivated throughout the season . I write this as I am on the bus . Every crevice , angle and curve of the female anatomy tempts me . I need to be careful today . I have been listening to math rock and progressive rock avoiding my rnb ,afrobeat and rap songs that describe sex. I have started to read the Bible again and pray again , I am not a religious man by any means but I remember when I was . I think I was happier and life was more fufilling , I just want peace tbh. I pray for peace and contentment with my height , my appearance , my grades , my life and ..........my situation.
I have relapsed on Day 18 through sexting/video cams . I feel disappointing by my inability to control my inhibitions .I have continuously evaluated if removing PMO from my life is worthwhile , especially with the amount of times a day I stress out. I'm willing to start again , I now know why I need to stop and make a change. I don't have that much time left before the game is over .I don't want lose again . I keep losing. Its so frustrating..... I wish was invisible , it would be the same as how I am currently living ......but at least there would be no stares, dark skin causes attention .I don't wan't sympathy , I want a catalyst of change. I want refuge far away from my current situation.
18 days is a good streak. If you write X's and Os on a calendar and step back to look at it, that will give you some perspective. Use what you learned and go farther this time. You can do this.