Hopeful New Guy

Hi Everyone. I am here because I need to break a porn addiction that is damaging my social, emotional, marital, and financial life. Although I have viewed pornography often over the years, I always believed it to be harmless. In fact, it seemed to be just one part of a healthy sex life. However, everything began to change several years ago. As a result of an illness, I was forced to reduce my work hours and begin working from home. Thus, I found myself not only with a lot of free time on my hands, but also complete privacy for most of the day.

What began as an occasional foray onto a porn site became hours and hours of porn viewing and masturbation. I found myself compulsively reading erotic stories, viewing pornographic photos and videos, and engaging in sex chat. (Sex chat is perhaps the most time-consuming and addictive activity of all.) These sessions became longer and longer, to the point that they could last for several hours (even most of the day at times).

There are few days during the work week that I do not view porn. Even though I tell myself I will limit my porn viewing to say an hour or two, I find it nearly impossible to stop once I start. Even worse, the more porn I view, the kinkier the porn has to be to excite me.

This constant porn watching and masturbation have had a depressingly predictable impact on my life. Sex with my wonderful wife has dwindled to nothing. I very rarely initiate sex with her, having spent all of my sexual energy masturbating to porn. We go months and months without having sex. Perhaps most indicative of a serious problem, reaching orgasm during masturbation without porn has become nearly impossible.

One of the worst aspects of this whole situation is that it takes so much time that I could be spending on something far more satisfying. Important and rewarding projects languish because of the time I spend on this worthless activity. I have many things that I want to do with my time, particularly now that I am wrapping up my career. Sitting in front of a computer masturbating is not one of them.

The truth is that I no longer get much pleasure at all from porn -- arousal, yes; orgasm, usually; but real satisfaction, no. The guilt I feel at having spent so much time on this activity and my seeming inability to stop has greatly worsened an already present tendency toward depression.

Having painted this grim picture, I should add that I am hopeful. I am a strong-willed person who has lived through some tough times. Moreover, I want to make this change. For that reason, I am looking forward to the challenge of complete abstinence from porn and masturbation for ninety days. Day one starts now.

 

I certainly will.

 

Thanks so much.

 

Thanks for asking. So far so good. I have not had sex with my wife yet, but I am in no rush.

 

So friends, this is day five. It has already been quite an interesting experience already. I feel a tremendous amount of relief just from finally admitting that I have a problem and taking some small steps towards regaining control of my life.

I know it is very early, and I expect it to get much more difficult. As I was with my wife most of the weekend, the opportunity to view porn and masturbate was not there for the last two days. So this work week will be the real first test. In the past, when the weekend was over, one of the first things I did on Monday (assuming there was nothing I absolutely had to do) was to pull up porn. I have not done so, which is a small victory.

I am now noticing how much my porn habit crept into many areas of my life. For example, when I was out with my wife this weekend, I realized just how often I have been checking out women while with her. It is disrespectful to her and to women in general, and I do not want to be that guy. By "checking out", I mean looking at women in a highly sexualized manner, not just noticing an attractive woman. For the first time in a very long time, I was able to stop myself from dwelling on sexual thoughts about the women I see and from deliberately looking around for women to check out. However, any techniques for breaking this habit over the long-term would be appreciated.

One thing I had not mentioned before is already improving. I had recently developed a terrible habit of touching myself while seated at my desk, even when not particularly sexually aroused (for example, while working). In the last few months, I have been doing this to the point of making myself sore. This compulsive touching is a particularly embarrassing thing to admit. However, since taking the pledge, I have been able to resist these impulses and believe I am on the way to breaking this habit.

Surprisingly, I am already feeling much more interested in my wife sexually. Although we have not had sex yet, I feel certain that we will when I get a little more distance from the porn.

Thanks for all your support. Matt

 

Thanks. It is encouraging to hear from people actively making changes.

The illness is a factor. It has caused some sexual issues from time to time. However, the main issue is that it has reduced the amount of time I can work, leaving me with too much free time. Moreover, I experience severe fatigue after a certain amount of work, and porn gave me something to fill that time with that did not require a lot of mental effort. Fortunately, my illness does not substantially affect my mobility, at least so far. So, I am making an effort to get out of the house more during the day. I enjoy walking, and that does seem to help.

 

Thanks. I will.

 

It is day six. Although tempted, I am still feeling optimistic.

Today, I have been thinking about self-delusion. I have never thought of myself as someone who objectifies women. In fact, I always prided myself in treating the women in my personal and professional life as equals and with respect. I never felt threatened by women (or understood men who were). I never sexually harassed anyone, made improper advances, or behaved in a boorish fashion toward anyone. Yay for me, right? Except, as I mentioned in a previous post, I have habitually sought arousal by looking at women (even close friends and colleagues) in a salacious manner. Moreover, I never seriously considered the arguments that porn objectifies women.

I have seen definitions of objectification as viewing someone as an instrument of sexual pleasure without regard for their personality or dignity. Certainly, what I have done falls under this definition, even if the women that were the objects of my attentions were unaware. So, have I objectified women? Yes, I have, and I must do better.

 

You make a good point about my wife possibly blaming herself. Nonetheless, I don't know what I will do with regards to telling her. I think she would be understanding. On the other hand, I'm not sure she would want to know. If it had been an affair, I am absolutely certain she would not want to know, based on statements she has made in the past. (Frankly, I would not want to know either.) But, of course, this is not exactly the same. I think I will see how it works out before making any decisions.

 

Today is day seven. Very happy to have made it a week, but now it is starting to get a bit more difficult. I am tempted somewhat to look at porn but even more to masturbate. However, I know that if I give in, I may be back to square one. I have read the pros and cons of masturbating without porn, but I think I need complete abstinence for a time to make this work. On the bright side, keeping busy with other things is helping, as is just getting out of the house.

 

Thanks for your insights. I am most definitely struggling with those questions. Although I do not think I need my wife's help for accountability, I may well find out that I am wrong down the road. Also, I believe I know her very well after all these years and am not convinced that she will want to know. on the other hand, that could just be my penchant for secrecy talking. I am going see how it goes for a few weeks then approach these issues with a clearer head.

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to provide so much information, Fercho. I am looking though it right now. Creating an emergency toolbox is a great idea, and I will work on that.