Birthday tomorrow, No plans yet. Worried. I was working on this personal project of mine and it is great, Love it. Studied from the subscription i purchased to improve my skills, Felt great and learned a lot as well. Feeling needy today.
So I relapsed Yesterday, Intentionally !! I was aware what i was doing and told myself I'll be responsible for it, There were no urges or anything like that I just let go of myself in the heat of the moment. It was a great day, Had fun. and then during night I decided to add a little cherry on top, So I decided to watch. after that took a shower watched my fav movie and slept like a baby. Now My streak is starting from my birthday and Till my next birthday I'll not give up and become a better person than I am today.
Discussing anything with my mom is so painful. Anybody seen JOKER? She is exactly like that dude's MOM, 10 times worse actually. I love her and all, But Honestly, Sometimes I feel that she is pulling me down instead of pushing me forward and you guys have no idea how much this thought hurts me. Thinking something like that about your parents is so disappointing and depressing. Always complaining, always talking down on others, always bitching to me about our family members, Always negative in every aspect of any discussion.
I honestly didnt get a grip on any streak of sobriety until I was absolutely sick and tired of carrying this problem around every day. Tired of stressing, tired of wanting, tired of lying, etc. It takes that with some people.
Yeah, Its the same old story, I relapsed, Ohh I relapsed, Shit I relapsed, Damn! I relapsed. And this thing frustrates the hell out of me. And the More I try to get a grip on the urges the stronger they get. I need a breather.
Actually It's the situation at my house. My mom has stopped cooking, I have been eating outside for 3 weeks now, I have blisters in my mouth because of that. I could however cook myself at home, And I want to, Oh boy I want to cook myself so much, But you see I can't cause Our kitchen is a mess, Nothing is organized every utensil is just thrown in there, and If I try to organize it so that anyone in the house can use that place, my mom starts to scream at me. I don't have enough money to build myself a new kitchen so alternatively I'm just eating outside. Our bathroom is a mess, I have had to take multiple leaves from office because I didn't have any clothes to wear. Bought a Washing machine for clothes hoping to fix the cooking problem, I think there are just too many chores at the house and she is stacked up and that's why procrastinates that much. These are just two, There are millions of smaller problems like these and I'm just depressed most of the time. with this pressure comes Nofap, Nafap is already difficult when you have everything lined up perfectly, your routines and your life, And in my case that is exactly the problem, Nothing is lined up, I'm not sure If I'll get a healthy breakfast after coming home from a Jog in the morning, I'm not sure If I'll have any clothes to wear after taking a bath. I can leave this place, rent a place somewhere for myself and handle these things remarkably, But I can't, I can't leave my Mom. I'll have to just find a way to fix the problems I have here. Pretty sure I won't be able to, But hey, I DON'T WANT PEACE, I WANT PROBLEMS, ALWAYS !! Anyways, It's my mess and I know I can't run away from it. And that is the reason I'm tired of nofap, I will never be able to complete this challenge until I fix those problems. Simple as that. I guess one problem at a time, haan !!
You should read about Family Narcissitic Abuse. Most addicts have suffered from narcissistic family abuse and it can be very helpful and healing to look further into it. Google/amazon the term and a lot of information and books will come up. Given what you say, it seems your mother went through some kind of hell herself as a kid and is simply a product of that pain and suffering. It can be hard to accept at first, but the more you can learn, the more you can appreciate the fact that she is litterally doing her best and that actually, none of her harsness has anything to do with you, the easier you will find it to let go of her toxic ways. Btw, you should keep the thread going. It's interesting and I'm sure plenty of benefitted from it in some way. I know I have... Best of luck
