An Unpleasant Truth

I feel you 100%. Here's hoping you can endure it also brother. Loneliness is a powerful enemy, connection is the antidote

 

Life is so harsh it will beat very hard to knees.

 

Very true, I'd rather wait for the woman who likes me, not trying to compete for attention

 

I really relate to you, I'm in a very similar situation and am feeling the same way. I stopped pursuing women years ago.
The fact you're enduring the hard process that is self improvement automatically sets you apart from 75%. Keep enduring, and you'll be interesting to someone and moreover, a great addition to their lives.

 

It really will nit work any other way, it's just the way women are wired, if they don't see YOUas the prize, it won't last. And they have to KEEP seeing you as the prize. Ask me how I know... 16 yrs and 3 kidding later

 

I'll paraphrase something that I have heard and learned - It's not how often you fail, it's how often you try. Never give up, keep failing, and try again. That's what will get you to your goal.
I too have pursued women during times of loneliness and it felt hopeless sometimes. During one dry spell, I said "Screw it, I don't give a crap about these women." That change in my attitude brought lots of women to me. Once I stopped being desperate and showed a little indifference, the women couldn't figure out why I wasn't pursuing them and they started to pursue me. Women like a man with confidence and if they sense you are at all needy, they dump you.
Good luck, you are doing the right thing by working to improve yourself. Now DON'T GIVE UP!

 

Learning to not fear rejection and to get girls is a skill you can learn with practice and guidance. I'd recommend a YouTuber called "Denmo" for tips.

 

This is a great reply...one that resonates with me all too well.

I am not involved in organized religion, but do have a belief in a higher power. That being said, I had similar feelings as OP many years ago. I realized after some time that MY will is sometimes not my Higher Power's will, and therefore, doesn't align. I became more and more frustrated over the years...seeking/wanting companionship was all I wanted. However, my Higher Power had other plans...and apparently I wasn't ready.

One day, an older gentleman suggested I pray to my Higher Power for someone to share myself with...obviously only when the time was right. I prayed that prayer for just a few weeks and randomly met a woman. A few years later, she became my wife. Fast forward 10+ years and we have numerous kids and a fantastic life (despite this terrible addiction).

I would also recommend saying a few simple prayers each and everyday. Ask God to put someone in your life that you can share yourself with...or something like that. Always end with "thy will, not mine, be done."

Thanks for this reply. I hope it helps OP.

 

I'm also 27 and in the same situation as you. Never done as much as held hands with a girl I liked. Sort-of convinced I'm slightly autistic because I don't think or feel the same way the people around me do and it makes it very hard to form connections, but I digress. And before I begin my main point, please be aware I'm not saying any of this to discredit the idea of improving oneself.

This is a tough pill to swallow, but self-improvement might not help you meet a woman in the way you think it will. What many men don't realise is that men and women fundamentally don't view the world the same way, in the vast majority of cases. This is not to say men are smarter and women are stupid, or the reverse. It's just that our brains are wired differently and that leads to us thinking differently too. If you've ever encountered a woman behaving in a way that makes no sense to anyone but another woman, this is a good example of this phenomena. No doubt there are a million things men do that are incomprehensible to women. Modern "science" is trying to act like this isn't the case, but I don't need it to be proven or disproven because I've seen it with my own eyes throughout my whole life, and so has every other man I've ever known.

All that's to say, you're approaching meeting women from a cold, quantitative point of view. You've logically thought "How can I make myself more appealing to others in X, Y, and Z ways" and that would be fine if you were trying to attract a robot, but women don't think or feel like that most of the time. Humans don't in general, but obviously in your case we are talking about women. The reason you can do all this self improvement and have little success while men who put no effort in whatsoever find it way easier is this: You are making decisions based on logic and reasoning. The women you are trying to attract are making decisions based on emotions and instinct. Neither of these approaches are wrong, but they are fundamentally different. A woman may logically want to date someone who is a high-value proposition, but if you can make her feel good, that overrides almost everything else. For the majority of people out there, feelings trump logic.

 

This is a very interesting perspective, and makes complete logical sense. However, self-improvement should not be discounted entirely, which I understand you're not implying.

Being able to offer the best version of oneself can be more appealing as it signifies our potential to be better partners in life...which translates to financial security, stable parenting, physical and emotional love, etc. These are highly sought after qualities that cannot be forgotten, and ones that aren't typically possessed by those of us who are piles of shit.

Just wanted to reply because I absolutely love your insight on this topic. FWIW, I'm a married man of 10+ years, have children and a career. Unfortunately, this addiction has beat me down as I have been struggling for 30+ years. I'm dedicated to recovery and take action each and every day to stay sober.

Wishing you, and everyone else the absolute best!

 

I'd also recommend trying to not become infatuated with women before you know they're interested.

There's a difference between periodically becoming obsessed with one person, chasing that person, and then losing, versus flirting with everyone, going on dates with several of them at once, and only then falling in love with the one you like the most.

 

Objectively you're correct. The point I was trying to make is that a lot of the time people don't think in objective terms. They think they do, but they don't. You can't truly quantify attraction, it's too tied up in emotions and emotions are nebulous. Therefore, it's also not really possible to to guarantee that self-improvement will actually do anything to help another person like you, especially a potential romantic partner. That's not to say everyone should just give up, I absolutely think OP should keep improving himself, but he should be doing it for his benefit, not the benefit of Schrodinger's Woman, who both does and doesn't exist.

Thanks for the kind words, wishing you the same.