I don't do nofap. I'm not addicted to porn so I don't feel the need to do it. I've done it before. It was an experience but I didn't notice any benefits after 3 months so I stopped! On the other hand having a healthy lifestyle is very important to me. Like eating clean and working out.
Update since last time. I went to Spain with some friends in the beginning of july and enjoyed my vacation. I met two women there; they were one night stands, but what a pleasure. Meeting two women on the streets is always something special. I reinstalled Tinder four days ago with the goal of having the best possible profile. I have 80 matches in four days, which I believe is something I've never experienced before. I have great photos and a pretty funny description. However, I still think that having many matches doesn't mean much; it's a false sense of abundance. You feel like you can easily have relationships because you have many matches, but it's still challenging to find girls you are genuinely interested in. I'm doing it more for self-improvement and optimizing what I can. Tomorrow, I'll go back to approaching women on the streets. It's been two weeks since I approached anyone. I'll try to do my best.
I'm approaching few women at the moment; it's raining every day, and my friends have gone on vacation, so my motivation is at a standstill. I felt some frustration this week. While I was staying at home, I was watching the stories of a woman I fell in love with this year after dating her for six months. She's enjoying her single life, let's say. It was tough to handle, but this pain doesn't last, and I feel much better after getting out of my house, doing some sports, and socializing a bit. I have very high goals that I will pursue after my vacation. I'll try to regain success by going on at least one date per week. I want to give it another shot and see if it brings meaning to my life. Cold approach will be a way to achieve this. I also have Tinder, which is working quite well for me. I have a good profile and now have over 100 matches, even though most people have gone on vacation in my city, resulting in fewer people around. I also have a project of creating a TikTok and posting content. I'm working on my first video, which gives me a fulfilling side goal and allows me to focus on other things when things get tough.
@Spirituss I am curious. You say you want to regain success by going on at least 1 date per week and that you want to see if it brings 'meaning' to your life. You have written previously about the toxic nature of pickup culture and about constantly measuring results. Defining success by trying to get 1 date per week I feel, is exactly that. You are falling into the same trap that you say you left behind. Getting 1 date per week is not fully under your control and depends on the reactions of girls. I think setting up a goal like that is basically defining success based on other people's actions. Now if you said your goal was to approach 30 or whatever number of women per week that could be a healthy goal that you have full control over regardless of how the interactions go. Also what 'meaning' exactly are you expecting this to bring to you? You have written again previously before about meeting girls to just meet them and enjoy their company and not try to find meaning or self worth from that. Its funny, I have followed your writings and I think previously you have written some magnificiently insightful things. One of your own quotes here which I loved is "Your level is not determined by your results, but is determined by your detachment from the outcome." That right there is gold. I completely agree because I know guys including myself who have spent a lot of time obssessing about 'results'. I really feel from your recent writings that you have kind of lost your way and are falling back into the pickup mindsets that you claim to have left behind previously. I respect your writings immensely and as a fellow traveller on this journey of meeting women I wanted to just point out what I have noticed. Don't mean any ill will.
I think I set this for myself to make it easier to take action. It's by setting high goals for myself that I take action. Approaching women, as you know, requires a great deal of mental strength. It's true that I have no control over the situation, but on the other hand, if I don't achieve this goal of a date per week, it won't affect my mood at all. I've let go of almost all the pickup artists' mindsets for the past 2 years now to focus on something more human. But from time to time I like to set myself goals, even if they are out of my reach. There's nothing toxic in this for me. It would be toxic if I made it my reason for living as before or if I got frustrated when the goal wasn't met. Now, about this thing of seeing if it adds meaning to my life, I might have gotten carried away. I still have work to do on the fact that approaching women is just to meet women, and doesn't bring anything more on a personal level. I still have difficulties living my life without seeking meaning in everything I do. I've been brainwashed by personal development for years so this thing will take a bit more time. I'm moving in the right direction and that's the most important thing for me. Anyway, thanks for the reminder !
Glad to help in anyway. I mentioned the having 1 date per week goal only because I had a similar one. I had a period where I decided to go on an "Approach Rampage" haha. And my goal was to get 8 dates in a month. I ended up getting 5 dates that month. In the previous months, I had been studying and had done no approaching. So by all means, this was a great month. But because of that initial goal I had set of 8, though my rational brain told me that it was a great month, my emotional brain just did not feel the same. It's funny but I remember reading it somewhere and then I realized it. "Emotions are always relative to our Expectations." Since then I am very careful with only setting goals that are under my control. But of course like you mentioned if you are unaffected by it, and it encourages you, then why not? Everyone has gotta find what works best for them. For me at the moment, I am working on detachment from the outcome. My goal is this: "To be able to walk up to 10 women/day (or 50/week) and be able to give them a compliment or communicate my attraction clearly with an open and positive attitude without needing anything from them and being okay with whatever happens." In fact yesterday, I was out talking to women and got a brush off from a really attractive woman. While previously this would have crushed me and I would have gone back home immediately and ruminated about it for days, this time I was able to take a few moments to process it, and then meet another girl within 5 minutes. And this in fact brought up a thought in my head. More than a "skill" to "get women", what I am really looking for is to be able to have women I find attractive 'reject or not want to engage with me' and still have it not affect my self worth. If I can have 10 attractive women be dismissive of me in a day and go back home still in a good mood and not having my emotions fully at their mercy. That is success! That is real freedom! Only then can I appreciate women and see them for what they are, rather than what they can do for me (which is prop up my ego, make me feel good about myself, make me approve of myself because they approve of me). Of course we are all human and will never be able to achieve these things perfectly but that is the direction to which I am moving. It's a privilege I feel that I have the opportunity to work on these aspects of my life and it is great to be able to discuss these things with someone on a similar journey.
I have a female friend who tried to have as many dates as possible in one month. She went on about thirty dates (because she's a girl, haha). The result was that she felt a void like never before, feeling more lonely than ever. Similarly, whenever I had many relationships, it didn't change anything in my life. The day before yesterday, when a girl I really like slept with another guy, I should have been happy for her in principle. If she sleeps with another guy, it doesn't mean she doesn't like me or doesn't care about me. She has her own path too. That's why I distanced myself from all these seduction principles that ultimately bring a lot of ego and very little personal fulfillment when you think about it. Of course, it feels good for guys to reassure themselves and have rules. But in the end, nobody really knows anything. It's better to be ourselves, avoid blaming oneself if things don't work out, and bring positivity to people's lives. This requires feeling really good about oneself, but I believe we all seek that, even though it's impossible to always be in that state. Instead, I try to show compassion towards myself when things don't go as I would have liked. I've noticed that the more I love myself, the more I love others. That's why I engage in a lot of sports and eat healthily. It's a way of taking care of myself so that I can share that with others afterward. And in this case, yes, you are less affected by external factors and things you can't control. This allows me to set very high goals that I can't really control, because you suffer less in doing so. It's quite complicated, but I tried to put words to how I see things. You are far from being alone in this, even after thousands of approaches, there's always that moment after experiencing a harsh rejection when I feel bad. But like any pain, it eventually passes. The human tendency is to associate feeling bad with a sense of worthlessness. "I feel bad, so I must be worthless." However, it's deeply normal and human to experience these emotions. It's a very honorable goal, and congratulations on your mindset. We both are heading in that direction, even if we may never fully reach it, it adds a truly healthy and fulfilling aspect to life. Every girl also has her fears. Having relationships isn't about becoming perfect or getting things from women. For years, I approached women to improve myself, but it didn't bring me anything except more frustrations and the feeling of having to change who I am. It doesn't make sense. It's reciprocal!
I went to a festival with friends for 4 days this weekend. I slept with a woman on the first night whom I met at our campsite. I made no effort. It was just pure sex so nothing particular. On the second night, I decided with a friend to walk around the campsite, say hello to people, and meet them. I passed by a tent and saw a watermelon on the ground with 2 girls nearby. I said, "If you want to start a watermelon farm, I can help you." I spent the last 2 days with these girls. I liked one of the two girls, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her that evening. I was in a social mood and found excuses. Yet, looking back, I definitely could have. I asked these girls about their type of guy, etc. I could have replied that my type was her and made a joke or something. I regret that a bit. On the third day, I told my friends that I couldn't leave without trying something. But she wasn't giving me any signals apart from friendly social ones. So I did the same. It was an endless loop. On the third evening, her boyfriend joined us because yes, she's in a relationship, but it's an open relationship, so she can have sex with other guys. However, her 22-year-old boyfriend is very insecure and has only had one relationship in his life. He's jealous, possessive, and upon seeing my social ease, he immediately asked me if I had kissed/slept with his girlfriend. So, a double challenge. But damn, I really liked this girl. But how do I proceed when I have absolutely no control over what's going to happen, and we're in a group? I don't know what to do. After all these years approaching women, getting to know myself, I couldn't help but talk to this guy. I gave him advice: leave this relationship before it destroys you, communicate your own needs. Love is not begged for, it's given. He's a nice guy. There was a part of me that didn't want to hurt him. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I didn't fully go after what I wanted during those 3 days with this girl. I still remain an empathetic person. But factually speaking, I should have. I enjoyed my evening until we started dancing. At one point, I found myself facing her, we exchanged smiles, and I whispered in her ear, "I really like you," while running my hand through her hair. And amazingly, she responded, "Me too." 20 minutes later, I went to fetch something from my tent, so I had to cross the campsite. She said, "I'm coming with you." On the way, she told me she came because she wanted to kiss me. We kissed. Her boyfriend caught us because he had followed us... and then it was over. I didn't sleep with that girl that night. Her boyfriend prevented us. I understand him; I know what it's like to be jealous. But he's ruining his life by being in a relationship he's not comfortable with, while she wants to enjoy her life and be in a relationship at the same time. He's imposing exclusivity on her when she wants to be able to sleep with other men. The next day, I was gone. This girl lives on the other side of France in a place inaccessible by train, so it's impossible for me to see her again someday. Do I have regrets? Yes, I started approaching women to lessen the regrets in my life, to go after what I want, to speak my mind, and to stop just coasting through life. That day, when I met that girl and didn't dare to truly express what I wanted, it felt like I was reverting to the me from 6 years ago. The one who desires things but doesn't know how to voice them due to fear. On the other hand, I tell myself that these things can happen and additionally, whether I sleep with this girl or not doesn't change anything in my life. What your thoughts tell you is often untrue. You can die tomorrow, that's what I (re)learned this week.
He gives real life scenarios though… and I think a lot of us struggle with unexpressed desires and fear of speaking what is truly on our minds, like a fear of expressing the good part of ourselves, I don’t mean speaking bad thoughts we have… but expressing maybe a joke we find funny or telling a girl we think she is attractive and want to kiss her…
And that helps you .. how? All that's really happened here is you've gone from watching sexually successful men have sex to reading about one. His post above is interlaced with details that tap into the voyeuristic mind of a porn addict and that's what makes people here read them, not because they want to learn something. What else are you getting out of the fact that he slept with a woman at a festival? Or that he met a promiscuous woman and her cuck boyfriend? Reading about men having the sex you want is not going to get anyone anywhere and I would suggest to anyone who actually wants to move away from this behaviour(which is what this forum is supposed to be about) to stop reading such material.
I find this forum a good place to share my ideas. Additionally, it helps me improve my English. Now, if my posts cause harm to guys because they identify with I say, I'm sorry to say that it's beyond my responsibility and there's nothing I can do about it. That doesn't mean I don't understand and respect them. It's actually the opposite. @add eddie reacts in this way probably because he's comparing himself to me. Yet, he doesn't know my life and my issues. Maybe if I put in so much effort, it's because I've been through horrible things. And what if sex ultimately brings nothing? It's an act that lasts for 10 minutes. What are 10 minutes in a day? Does pleasing women really bring fulfillment in the end? I don't believe so. Nevertheless, some guys suffer because of this. If he slept with 40 women in a year, would that solve all his problems and boost his self-confidence to the highest level? Would he become a different person? I don't think so. I believe that my posts have value. Some people see it, and others don't; that's beyond my control and I don't care. I'm not advocating for sleeping with 20 people in a year. I've never said that it's a source of fulfillment because it isn't. Nowadays, guys are struggling having relationships and being stuck in mental blocks and patterns that prevent them from living their lives. I've been in that situation, and I understand it. Now, no matter what I say or do, there will always be some people who are unhappy with their situation. That's just how it is. If you only read that I slept with a woman, yes, it might seem meaningless. But if you delve deeper and extract the aspect of having no regrets and being more authentic in your way of being and communicating with others, then yes, there's value there. Sex has nothing to do with this. it's more about happiness. And being happy ultimately brings relationships and solves so many issues. I don't write this to act like the teacher giving advice to their flock and claiming to be right all the time. If you read my posts, they are more like a personal diary where I share my experiences and doubts, rather than advice, even if I've done that in the past.(these advice were for me) Each person interprets my posts differently, and I don't care about pleasing everyone; I'm doing it for myself. I never said I wanted to help people. I have my life and my own struggles too like everyone.
It’s not about getting something out of it, it’s about hearing a story of a man who steps out of his comfort zone and successfully accomplishes his goal Its about reading anti-societal-conformity propaganda versus the mainstream weakness propoganda that produces that weird boyfriend in the first place I also learned from his post that there is guys in this day and age who agree to being in an open relationship when only the girl is the one having sex with other men… also, I learned/was reminded, that even if a girl doesn’t directly show she likes you, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you… in this case, she showed no signs of interest, only to be friends, but she went and kissed him shows that you never know if a girl is attracted until you try
This is the case with the guy of the girl I was interested in. He's a nice and good guy but but he kept an eye on all the guys at the party out of insecurity about seeing his girlfriend kiss one of the guys. Even though she told him from the beginning that she wanted an open relationship. He encroaches on his girlfriend's freedom, but above all, he doesn't respect himself. He's willing to question his very identity for a bit of affection and sex because he's unable to give that affection to himself. that's begging and I told him this. This is the behavior of many men today who are frustrated and unhappy with their lives. And there's no problem with that because I've been there. I'll never judge these guys. Embarking on the path to being happier and more fulfilled is painful. I've been rejected thousands of times, missed out on dozens of dates with girls I was truly in love with. There are disappointments. But the disappointment of not taking action like what I felt two days ago is the worst. When you try, you have the pride of knowing you did your best. This applies to girls but also on every other areas. And that pride outweighs the disappointments you might encounter. You become a warrior with unbreakable mental strength if you cultivate that over the years. You are living your life knowing you're doing what's best for you So, these behaviors of men who simply endure their lives will become increasingly rare. Because you've understood that you'd rather speak the truth than have regrets. Girls will always have more affection, attention, more sex than men. But the mental strength, the happiness acquired through life experiences and doing your best every day: that's gold.
I think @Spirituss posts are inspiring. And I am not reading them out of voyeuristic joy. I think they are especially interesting, because they are written in the context of NoFap. It shows what is possible when you face your fears and go for what you actually want. I know it can be scary as hell to express interest towards a woman you like and I have huge respect for anyone doing cold approaches. That is completely true, I can relate 100 % to that. You know you had it in your hands and did not even try. That kind of regret was a strong force to take action for me in the past and is also the main reason I am doing NoFap right now. I want to live life to the fullest, realize my potential and not ask myself what could have been when I am laying on my deathbed.
I sent a message to the girl I really liked this weekend, the one I talked about in my earlier post. It's quite bold, but I made a sexual joke as the first message, which I won't go into detail about here. She replied tonight saying, "We'll have to see each other again." I really like her a lot. She lives on the other side of the country, a 6-hour train ride away, but I'm ready to go see her. I'll spend a few days in her city and meet her one evening. I'll have the chance to cold approach and explore this city since I've never been there before. I told her I'll be passing through in a month, so we'll see! Apart from that, I went out on my own this afternoon and approached a really pretty girl. blond with blue eyes. I think I'm really starting to overcome the demons that were holding me back and to feel happy and free. I have a job, a circle of friends. With girls, I wouldn't say I have abundance, but I'm not actively seeking it. I just want to achieve a healthy balance. I believe that if I'm doing all this, it's to nurture this warrior spirit, to be proud of myself, and to share love with others. I'm on the right track. I spend a lot of time with myself. When you enjoy your own company, you can appreciate the company of others. For me, it's one of the fundamental keys to having fulfilling relationships. And it's working well for the moment
