I had promised myself I would get to 4 weeks and I screwed it all up. I feel pathetic. I have exams coming up in 3 months and I wanted to do a reboot to have more focus and energy, and now it's all ruined. I guess the only thing is I didn't binge too much. I relapsed last night after 40 minutes of binging. Then I succumbed to the chaser effect this morning. I scrolled through porn without jerking off for about 20 minutes then I binged for 10 minutes and orgasmed. And that was after I prayed to God to help me and the urges eased but still I went and looked. I was feeling low self esteem and anxious which has lead to my relapse. The funny thing is I made the decision to watch porn but my girlfriend tried to stop me but because I made the decision, the dopamine was already released so I still had the brain fog etc before even watching the porn. My girlfriend is angry at me now. I feel pathetic. I feel like a loser. I know I have stuff to do and I have to study and I'm even less motivated to do those things now. I just destroyed all my progress of nearly 4 weeks and I hate myself for it. It took me so much effort to do this 4 weeks. I went through plateus and flatlines and I stuck through it and I still succumbed in the end. I don't know what to do anymore.
Porn is a real challenge. Porn made you think that it was more valuable to look at porn and jerk off, than to spend quality time with your girlfriend and prepare for exams. You nearly made it to 28 days. You did well. You spent so long away from your addiction, which was your comfort. Keep on, keep on. Forgiving yourself isn't easy. I don't know how easily I'd forgive myself if I ended this streak. I don't know if I would. But give yourself a few days to regain strength. The only option is to start again. Think about where you are, who your friends are, about your girlfriend. You want that more than you want this. But it's easy to think that with a clear mind, harder with a dopamine filled mind. I know how hard it is to turn back. I'm in danger myself. I pray I don't fail. But there's small ways to practice avoiding temptation. For me, I've somehow made a small wall. Every time I thought of porn, I'd think "no! I don't want to do that!" Every lustful look. No! No! A few days ago, I was tempted. But even when I opened the p-sub videos, I clicked out without looking. Because I didn't! I didn't want to go back to that place. I say all this not to talk about myself. But try to mentally build up that wall. We know that when we have spent so long away from porn, that we make a conscious decision to look at it. So make a barrier to that conscious decision. Tell yourself, no! Mentally castigate yourself - not for failing this time, but for every bad thought you have. Keep your mind in subjection, and thus your body in subjection. It is easy to press a few buttons and see wrong things - simply by using social media. It's harder to accidentally masturbate. Block any wrong social media you can, put limits on your phone time, give your phone to your girlfriend. The less you are tempted, the lower that normal daily lustful dopamine buzz will be. The lower the buzz, the clearer minded you are. The clearer minded, the better you can tell yourself, "no!" Really take yourself to task. You need to be afraid of it. It will ruin you. You need to make sure your brain realizes that and isn't tricked by chemicals. Hope this helps. ETA: Don't yell at yourself when you've fallen. It doesn't help then. Build up that mental barrier when you're resisting. If you've fallen, take time to heal yourself, not berate yourself.
The WORST thing you can do is beat yourself up, it will set you up for more relapses. Be kind to yourself, have compassion on yourself, realise that this happens to most of us (I went a full 30 days and then relapsed). What would you say to a friends who was in your shoes? You would probably encourage them. You haven't done anything unusual or unforgivable. Have a long think about it, and learn from your mistakes. It would seem that you are using porn for self medication with stress, so you need better coping mechanisms. You have to make some changes, tough ones. Don't ever be alone with your phone or pc, it is as simple as that. If your girlfriend is willing, let her be your ally. Regroup, recommit, and move on. Pathetic isn't what you did, pathetic is giving up now.
Yes I know I can't give up but I just destroyed all my progress. It's like playing a video game and making it to the last level and then the game gets deleted and you have to start over. If this was my first 30 day streak maybe I wouldn't be so upset but I once made it to like 2 months, so I hate that I haven't been able to do that for over a year.
It is what it is, your only choice is to keep going, you can't change what happened but you can move forward.
Yes you are right. Well do you think I have lost all my progress? I kind of feel like I do on a 2 week streak.
You definitely have not lost all your progress. The longer you stay away from p, the clearer you'll be. Starting a streak will be much easier than if you had been relapsing every couple days. You've kept clear, and your mind has healed, so you just need to stay clear, and you'll be back to where you were before soon.
Yes like I can almost feel the old porn addictive neural pathways trying to join up and reconnect but so far they haven't been able to do that completely. I haven't fried my dopamine receptors. I still feel generally clear and don't have brain fog, but I do feel lower energy and less motivation. Praying and cold showers helped a bit.
Every day away from porn matters and every day compounds. By quitting for nearly a month you have severely weakened those connections in your brains. Keep going. Remember how shitty you feel now and build an even longer streak. Find healthier “pacifiers” when you get triggered. Venting is a healthy option in spaces like these. On days that I struggle, sending a voice note to my men’s group, writing a post on my thread and just in general do whatever it takes for me to not relapse. Eventually the urge or the emotional trigger will pass. Good on you for having the integrity to share your relapse. Even better on you for being here and confronting this in the first place.
These feelings of shame and guilt are what cause you to relapse and usually it goes in a circle from there temptations, guilt and a relapse. In order to stop relapsing you have got to deal with those negative feelings as deep down you are not a bad person for relapsing but your brain tries to tell you that you are and the progress you made was good but don't think about the days to much as it can put pressure on you instead make it a lifestyle. Focus on the good things and meaningful things you have in your life instead such as your GF and these exams as these are the things that are meaningful and are going to bring you joy in life. If you are dealing with negative emotions do things that make you happy(not fapping of course) and mediation is key for controlling and calming yourself when those urges arrive. If you need any more advice feel free to message me but I know you can break free from this.
You are experiencing “all or nothing” thinking. This isn’t a video game, this is life. And you’ve learned a lot and have grown a lot despite the setback. If you think perfection is the only way to succeed you’re setting yourself up for failure. When was the last time you went 4 weeks without PMO? I’m guessing it’s been a while. That’s impressive. That’s progress. I’m sure it did. I went 98 days and relapsed. That was A LOT of hard work and it hurt to start back at zero. Back then, I was completely devastated. That was almost 4 years ago. I’ve learned since that real progress can be seen in your trajectory over time, not in the short term. There will be ups and downs, but where are we trending? Are we trending up? If so, we’re progressing. Yes, you succumbed in the end, just like we all have even after telling ourselves that we would “never do it again”. That’s not what’s important. What matters most is what you do about it. How long will you stay down? Or will you brush yourself off and keep succeeding? It’s up to you. Life is not about what happens to us, it’s how we choose to react that really matters.
