Hi there! Thankyou for your response to my post, it’s nice to see men.. wanting to understand our perspective..! We’ve had years of living this nasty way of life seeing men see us as objects and look at other women as “ok”, when it’s not if your in a relationship. It’s so destroying there a particular website literally of women who have been on the receiving end .. and how not only damaged they were from what men did to them.. but now. They can’t seem to recover. I’m one of them. I used to be so confident about myself and care free till this ruined my life, I now am a shadow of myself and have mental health problems as a result. Can you ever imagine fearing your partner incase of what she might do behind your back? Nip to the shops? Meeting her friends? Family? Any normal ness goes. You live in fear 24/7 with the knowledge of what you do when we are not around. My ex is desperate to get me back.. this is my current situation, he was on a bridge last week and said if he couldn’t have me hel jump as he has nothing left. It’s just cruel after cruel towards me.. haven’t I suffered enough?! He’s basically putting on my hands hel die if I don’t take him back. I just feel is this subject really what it boils down to.. suicide?! Maybe no one realises it but porn actually does kill!!! So many women on a different site describe how they didn’t want to live ( me being one) because of this!!! It’s more serious than you all think. A little wank makes it sound so innocent and sugar coated. What’s the reality? It’s a man whose in a relationship.. choosing to look at other naked girls..! That’s what that wank is! Could you men ever be ok should your girlfriends/ wives start doing this??? Honestly ?!! Think about it.. the world would be entirely damaged if ever we did this. This is in black and white to us and why we have every right to be hurt.. you are choosing to look at this content.. it doesn’t just fall in your lap and on your phones! My ex decided to get help, but he’s still yes still flipping his answers with yes I did it to.. no I didn’t!!! I still can’t believe this dude honestly, it doesn’t bother him how messed up I am from all of this! I never asked for any of it. I’m a woman who I won’t lie.. can get most men.. I don’t say this in an ignorant or arrogant way, but I’m fully aware of what I can get! Yet I choose to stand by this man.. yet he STILL can’t give me the decency in truth. He needs help on many levels including his compulsive lying. He’s now using the guilt card saying every time ( 20months) he loses his erection Is because of anxiety. He’s found something solid to fall back on knowing full well it’s because of porn. I understand fully anxiousness plays a role.. but he looks for ways to completely manipulate and justify his reasons! He needs to fully own his real actions and choices!! The odd wank is why you are still having this problem. It may seem little to you but try to imagine If that was your girlfriend saying that.‘sorry love not tonight I need to pleasure myself to mr hot muscly man.. I hope you don’t mind… erm really?? Like that will be ok? So why is this ok for men to do this! Soceity has sadly pulled you all in.. the porn industry makes billions, I no this doesn’t mean anything to the man needing that 5 minutes of pleasure, but this is why it hooks you in.. they want that! I had to break down the cycle to my ex, make him realise just how false porn is. I had to tell him directly what he was doing to me than sugar coat it. I told him we aren’t living together because he couldn’t stop touching himself to other girls. I said why on earth will now stop you?! He uses the word im stronger now. He likes to think he can beat this. It’s nice to hear but who is he kidding. I can’t live with him till he sorts himself out properly. I told him like most say on here, he needs to work out why is he doing this? As it made no sense, his partner (me) is attractive and ten years younger, newish relationship, which is odd.. as I see most guys do this if in along relationship..? He was never denied sex ( another reason most do it) had it on tap basically. So what is his reason??!! I told him what the answer was/ is.. it’s because he likes it, he likes the content. I’m sure it’s dark, something I can’t give him and shouldn’t have to.. so why would a break up suddenly make him want to stop?! That’s the bit I’m at. This stuff controls you.. can you control it? The damage is real not only to your own body.. but to your partner. I’m not that ray of sunshine I used to be, I no longer have an innocent mind.. believe it, once you know what this stuff entails.. we end up with a corrupted mind. We aren’t silly and no exactly what’s on these sites. My question to you is why do you do this when you have a woman who can give you sex? I really need more help with this? Why do it? I’m pretty sure it’s the content. I’d like to know from your end if that’s ok. My advice to you is to stop it, yes easy said than done.. but it literally is only you who can do that. Put blockers on your phone like my ex did, have an accountable partner which is what I am! If you really wanted to stop .. you’d surely go to the ends of the earth. But it really does mount to do you want to stop? Men do this mostly behind the partners back.. my argument is.. how would we get closure from this?/ no you’ve stoped or made progress if this is all done in secret? It’s hell for us? How do we measure the progress?? It’s not like alcohol or drugs when you can lock it away.. this stuff is literally on your body!! What is a man’s advice for proving this has stopped. It’s worn me out so much, after seeing him for the first time in 6 weeks since we split, I still can’t let go of the hurt, humiliation.. it’s hell and once it’s in your head .. I told him how do I heal myself? I’m happy he’s making changes.. but does he realise the depth of destruction this has had on me?.. I find every aspect hard, if you weigh it up this nastiness is all about looking at women.. it’s ALL around us!! So watching tv was becoming unbearable, films ( most targeted for the male audience) again .. hard to watch because anytime and anywhere plus anything can set you off! All it takes is a flick of a skirt these days. I’m v clued up and sadly this goes against me.. but this is how corrupt this subject has had on me..! So many others too yet we don’t often hear the woman’s side. How’s it easy to go back to someone knowing this? Knowing they actually preferred to look at others whilst dating.. me?! It’s soul destroying and I tried with everything I had to move on. I do feel my ex wouldn’t let me.. and was constantly faced with suicide, I’ve suffered horrendously from this, please try to realise this when your partner is hurt.. but the thing is.. no one stops because someone is hurting… X
Thank you for the reply. Perhaps I can relate to your side as well, as I did catch a girlfriend in bed with another man, have been cheated on, have caught girlfriends flirting with other men . . . and I did find a large dildo that one girlfriend had bought after we had been together for a few months (that triggered me more than I might have expected. She said she wanted a substitute for when I wasn't there, but why did it have to be so big - about 16cm when mine is 11cm?) When my girlfriend told me about the guy she'd had sex with and I could see that she was literally glowing from pleasure, in ways I'd never seen her glow with me - it shattered me to my core Spoiler: Trigger Warning and I masturbated 5 times that day! And twice again (at work!) the next day. Perhaps that might be part of the answer to your questions about why we do it? For me, masturbation has been a way to deal with painful emotions - and it's something that a person can do any time they want (almost) and (almost) as much as they want. There are MANY different ways, better ways to deal with painful emotions, but I got hooked on masturbation and eventually any painful emotion, such as getting rejected by a woman, embarrassed in front of co-workers, suspecting infidelity or just intense frustration or anxiety, even if the source is not sexual - would trigger a compulsive urge to masturbate. And porn is worse. Nothing beats the real thing with a loving partner, but . . . porn offers levels of stimulation that the brain is not equipped to handle. Humans may have seen a sexy person now and then, maybe even see other people having sex and get aroused . . . but porn, especially internet porn, allows a person to have a hundred such experiences in an hour - and to choose what extreme scenario they want whether that's multiple partners or something really kinky. Somehow I have managed to stay away from searching porn for 400+ days, but I struggle immensely with fantasies urges for masturbation. I can avoid the content of porn, but the content already in my brain is another matter. I know it's unhealthy. Life quickly becomes dull when I wank or have fantasies, but that just drives me towards seeking out that stimulation more. The challenge is trying to find healthier ways to cope with stress and making healthier choices all the time so I don't end up in a funk and turning to masturbation. As for my triggers, especially around feeling inadequate and being cheated on - I should probably see a therapist. Hopefully some of what I have written helps. You have definitely helped me to get through another couple of days without masturbation and to better understand how "a little wank" can be disastrous for my relationship. I hope we can share more. And I am encouraged to hear that there might be hope for both you and your boyfriend - seeing that you have given him another chance, you are helping him to be accountable and he has installed some accountability software. If he's felt suicidal, then he know he is powerless. He needs help. Hopefully he will find it with a therapist and/or with 12 step recovery such as SAA or SLAA. And my hope for you is that you will find an abundance of support whether you choose to stay with him or not. +10%
Hi and thank you for such an honest and quick reply to my post. My deepest sympathy for being cheated on and treated badly, I’ve also had that.. To get over that I decided not everyone would behave like that.. not every man/ woman’s a cheater and I did find a decent relationship for 7 years! You will find that!!! Please don’t let that relationship or experience bring you down..! Just see how much of the world is filled with women,not every single one will hurt you like your last did. I hope that helps.. even if just abit! Men feel inadequate to toys, some get off watching women use them/ abused by them.. so it’s a double edged sword. But do they understand why some use them? Or straight away feel compared etc..? I guess the same applies to porn. Yet rather than abit of plastic or rubber to be compared to.. it’s real full on nude women… I think I know what I’d rather chose. Again tho a womens perspective is always so different. Would you rather that she used that on herself.. or search and look for hundreds of different videos of the sexiest men out there? Daily too and behind your back whilst your bits are in working order and she chooses that??? Again I’m sure I know which ones much preferred. You say the toy was bigger.. did she buy this when with you/ already had it? Does it matter? Or not even no when she had it? When you told her how it made you feel.. ( if you did) what was her reply? I had the exact thing many years ago.. my now ex was offended AND by the colour of it!!! I took his feelings very seriously and binned it. But, if I was to turn around and say these women needed to do that because they were “stressed “ how would you take that? This is what many men seem to say ( hide behind) sorry my personal opinion, to why they jerk off. So if women went off with others to help relieve stress how is that theory any different or acceptable? The bottom line to any of this is why any of it.. when you have eachother!! Choosing to pleasure yourself to other women whilst you have a real one.. I just can’t get my head around. Some will most definitely argue.. but porn isn’t real, yet there it is damaging millions of real relationships! If we kept using stress as a valid reason to wank.. then there is no hope in being in a relationship with a woman or to ever stop.. wanking! The way you deal with it is the part that counts. You seem like you do this but not in a relationship, correct me please if I’m wrong, so in my opinion.. it’s not harming another person.. only yourself.. I guess this is ok.. aslong as you don’t bring that into a relationship… my anger is stemmed to the men doing that.. whilst in a relationship!! Again my opinion. I think a lot of people with stress would say maybe go for a jog, read, swim, shop, lay down, watch a good movie to eliminate stress… or even go on medication.., jerking off really doesn’t cut it for me. But that’s me. If this is a main reason.. will any relationships last??? Stress is going to happen a lot in life. Now imagine, if you caught that partner who hurt you when she cheated.. and wanted to keep the relationship ( love and feelings are there ) you didn’t chose this to happen to you.. and asked to please not do such a thing(s) again… but she did… How would this make you feel? You not only are a paranoid wreck from the lack of trust instantly broken.. but totally messed up from it all…. Well this is EXACTLY what porn ( looking at other multiple women) do to US… and the whole ticking time bomb of.. when it will go off ( jerk off) if this can be done as we all know any day and time.. again in a relationship btw, how does this make a woman feel. Paranoid to f*** excuse my language. No matter how watered down or sugar coated the reason, boredom, variety or stress .. this isn’t fair one bit on the partner you are supposedly commited to! I very much knew the reason why men also choose it.. variety as I said in my previous post, dirty sinister scenes … what is a man’s reason to even want a relationship if porn answers all their fantasies!! This is why I told my ex to let me be, so I can find someone who genuinely wants a real woman than online. It does almost clarify that what he’s looking at is sinister. Again tho this sadly is no suprise to me.. he couldn’t answer why.. of course not.. to me, but he knows why and that’s that. It’s not a case of spearing my feelings anymore, I don’t think he could ever hurt me more than what he already has..! But very much why men are hooked is the content. I do feel it’s very unfair and SO many men do this.. it is making all those women out there look stupid!!! I feel for the ones that don’t know about this… but maybe a blessing aswell ..! I wish I could erase all I know .. I’d have a much better way of life. Life is stressful.. raising children, work, bills.. if stress is why you do it.. then when won’t you..? Because stress is fully around us 24/7 I hope you understand that from a different perspective. How does one even seem horny when stressed anyway, why do girls online fix this but a doctor can’t??? Again an almost instant excuse to justify why it’s done and again sorry if that sounds harsh, but that’s purely my opinion. Even if it cost your sex life/ relationship.. why carry it on? It’s what people can get away with. I told my ex.. I won’t be some dummy playing happy families anymore.. whilst he seeks others to get his kicks.. what exactly is MY purpose?? To give him security, dinners made, kids sorted, home nice. I’d rather do all that on my own than have that man take the p*** out of me again. So that’s the only way to sort that.. sadly straight to the pout get rid! He now misses me.. but I’d it really ME he misses.. or just that secure set up he had! I’m no fool.. because it definitely wasn’t sex he missed!! Now he’s trying to be clean from it, and sadly I just don’t believe it will happen.. and if it did it’s going to be very short lived.. 40 years doing it and suddenly going cold turkey? If he’s not fooling me he’s fooling himself. But on the flip side he must start somewhere!! Sex used to take about an hour to get him in the mood… it show signs of life down below.. when we got together after 6 weeks of splitting up.. sex happened and it was instant! So what’s the improvement? Ages to cum or seconds to cum… isn’t it just unbelievable this whole thing. It really is taking over mens lives more than they’ll ever know..! Now us women have to brunt all the dreggs of it as a result.. it’s awful. Get proper help for the stress.. choosing to look at dirty videos is the funniest thing I think I’ve ever heard to relieve stress. Yet Used almost every time. Why would that be your first option? In that case it won’t ever stop then. But from hearing your words .. you know there are other healthier ways to cope and that’s good you a knowledge that! It’s abit like having a drinking problem and hearing my friend who was abit too friendly happy on it saying I just had to have that blow out because I was stressed.. see how easy it is to keep it going if not handled properly. If your gorgeous woman came home from work and said she had a stressful day so she needed to play with herself to hunky men.. how will that sit right with you? Then imagine she goes off you sexually because the content is far better… than sleeping with YOU!!! Insulting right? Rude? Nasty? Yes… gradually getting the picture, it’s just wrong. A lot say this, a lot don’t, but in my opinion choosing to please yourself than to look at your partner is cheating, anything involved with the opposite sex is cheating. Not only that, it’s ruining yours and hers sex life/ her confidence.. how is this right? Doing that to someone you.. love? That’s not love.. ! As I’ve said to my ex, fix yourself before getting involved with anyone, turning to NoFap shows men wanting to change.. so many need to be educated on this.
Thank you so much for all that you have written. I don’t have much time to respond right now (because I want to spend quality time with my girlfriend instead) but I will try to reply more soon. You have helped me to not masturbate today and to try to make better choices (like helping other people). I’m grateful for your posts and looking forward to more.
Man, this is because you are consistently fishing for attention on this site (mostly from women posters). Why do you care what a random "SO" thinks about penis size? At most it only matters what your girlfriend prefers. I think you are hoping someone will say, "all women secretly want giant penises" so you can escape to your cuck fantasies. You are doing yourself no favors by searching for "justification" to feed your insecurities/desires...
This! This is what I need to hear most of all. We convince ourselves (and others, especially other men, might tell us) that having a wank is harmless - that it's not cheating. But as you've described . . . it's possibly even worse than cheating! I have been cheated on, but at least it was with a real man. There are powerful forces at work when people are sexually attracted to each other. If my girlfriend was looking at hundreds of hunky men, I would feel like I can't measure up to any of them. And I wouldn't get any sex because she was masturbating all the time . . . and even if we did have sex, I would know that she's probably imagining these other men, so she's not really there. That's terrible. Plus, as you have described so well . . . a person can cheat on their partner hundred of times a day with porn. They can do it at work, in the bathroom . . . wherever. And . . . they can lie about it so easily. How will you ever really know if your partner is looking at porn or having a wank? If they are cheating with another person (a real person, not a fantasy porn actress), then at least it's a real person instead of them having sex with their hand, and at least it's only one person. Plus it's a lot harder to hide. You could spend the weekend on a deserted island with your partner and they can still cheat on you with masturbation and fantasy . . . leaving you to wonder what is wrong and why are they not interested or able to have sex with you? Yes, I have been cheated on and it hurt. It hurt really bad. But deep down, at some level, I knew that I wasn't any better with all my porn and jerking off. In reality - my wanking was at least part of the reason why I was cheated on. I freakin' did it to myself by jerking off to porn. I don't think men fully understand why women use dildos. At least, I don't really understand it. The toy would definitely be better. Hands down. As inadequate as I feel compared to 99% of the sex toys that I have seen in the stores, at least I could try to believe that she was thinking about me while using it. Just imagining her watching one video of a sexy man would be hard to stomach. Hundreds would make me feel like I am totally outnumbered - fearful that there are hundreds of better options out there for her than me. I asked her about it when I found it and she told me that she had bought it after we were together - to use as a substitute for when I was out of town. It was hard not to marvel at the size of it, but I know from having been to plenty of sex shops that 11cm dildos don't even exist! (There are pocket sized "bullets" and small / slim vibrators to put in a purse, but nothing that small that is shaped to look like a penis) I think I can easily imagine what the colour was . . . it's nice of you to bin it, but it also helps to shed some light on his / our insecurities. My girlfriend bought an even larger one after that first one, but I came to accept it and appreciated that it was easier for both of us to play with - hopefully this isn't too graphic but an 11cm dildo would have gone all the way in and left me nothing to hold onto! True and true. What it does to our brains is incredibly damaging. When coupled with masturbation . . . it absolutely ruins our sex lives. Us men are so worried about getting it up and being able to perform . . . when we want to have sex - but what about the fact that it causes us to not want sex with our partners in the first place?? Sadly, I am in a relationship. I mean, it's great that I am in a relationship and I am super lucky to have a gorgeous girlfriend. But I still struggle with the urge to masturbate. It was almost easier to be celibate when I was single. The last time (a few days ago) that we had sex, I almost came to soon, stopped to prevent that, lost my erection and completed our love making by giving her oral. This left me with pent up sexual energy. How sad it is to admit that, having masturbated about 10,000 times in my life - I really struggle with urges to masturbate and controlling myself when those urges hit. I used to masturbate daily, even when in a relationship. To be honest, I was delusional - I thought I was a stud because I could "last" (aka not achieve orgasm) for 40 minutes or longer and I thought I was some sort of a saint because I would give pleasure until we were both exhausted and always give my partner at least one orgasm . . . often without having an orgasm myself. I would masturbate to porn later and think that I was a good lover - when, in fact, I was often struggling to achieve a full erection and had to fantasise about porn to keep going. Really pathetic. Now I am at a year plus without looking at porn but have been slipping with masturbation a few times a month. Not as bad as before, but not so great either. There are times when I have gone a month or two without masturbation . . . everything works so much better then!! This is why I feel I really need all the help I can get to stop masturbating. Agreed. This really is awful. Delayed ejaculation and premature ejaculation are both signs that something is off. And while we are out having wanks, thinking we are getting away with something and finding some sort of pleasure . . . we're hurting the ones we love the most. Thank you @clairecsx for sharing this with me (with all of us!) and helping to try to turn this around.
