Ulysses Resists - Ongoing Journal

This is Part 5, and the final part of my Celebrate Recovery Testimony.

For Part 4, click here: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/ulysses-resists-ongoing-journal.356154/page-4#post-3758591

The next mental barrier I needed to conquer was my emasculating fetish with BDSM and homosexuality. My passivity, and years of fantasy, pornography, and masturbation had trained my brain to go there on auto pilot, when aroused. In my fantasy and in my porn habit, I was literally giving myself over to demonic bondage to be drained and robbed of my mental, physical, and spiritual strength. Recently after a slip up with masturbation, I asked God what I was missing, because I had overcome so much and I felt so close to victory. One word came to mind “RESIST” and I knew immediately what I was missing. James 4:7 says submit to God, resist the devil and he will flee. The 12 step principal of surrender is key, but so is resisting the devil. Instead of giving myself over to lust, fantasy, porn, and Satan, I needed to resist, flee, run, and fight. I started to invite Christ into these fantasies and make it about overcoming, resisting, submitting to Christ, and being set free. I imagined myself punching out and running from my captors or letting Christ come in and set me free. This was revolutionary and started to change my mental pathways from bondage to victory.

Amends is even starting to naturally come to fruition in my life. One of my accountability partners suggested I write a letter to my daughter to tell her how much I loved her and explain my dreams for her life. I did on Valentine’s Day, and I also included a paragraph explaining how I was sorry for what had happened with her adopted brother. I took responsibility for it and also the way I expected so much of her during that time, that it set her up for a breakdown. I don’t know the full impact of the letter, but she did receive it well. I also came to realize, that although I hate having to leave this job and this area in the future, due to my wife and son’s allergies and missing their family, this is the amends that she needs. This is an amends for the hurt I caused in my near breakdown and the need I had to move up here to escape. I am not sure how this will work out, but I am confident God will make it good.

I’m still not doing this perfectly and I still struggle at times, but for the first time I can remember, I am sleeping most nights, I’ve not turned to masturbation for over 2 months, and porn is more than 6 months behind me. Setting the goal of complete mental and physical purity is the Biblical goal and I now believe it is attainable. But even if I fall, I know that I do not earn every blessing nor do I deserve every curse and God’s grace and the blood of Christ is there to cover it all. Working through the steps again and opening up to accountability partners has helped me to get in touch with more areas of my past that need healing. I am learning to trust people again and am starting to reach out again in friendships and service to God. I’m starting to believe again that God has not given up on me, and he still might have a purpose for an old addict like me.

 

I had been struggling a little with edging again, and did some studying regarding this practice and regarding my own associated fantasies. Here's the conclusions I came up with. Be aware, I am not advocating the recognition of Greek or pagan gods. I believe and realize though that these gods are often tied to actual demons that as Christians we can pray against and find deliverance from:

a. The curse of edging, is the same curse of blockage, withholding release, withholding of blessing. It’s building up desire to point of anguish, with no fulfillment. It keeps you held back, but base and depraved.

b. The curse of Priapus is similar. Ever erect, but never reproducing, ever base and deranged, but never satisfied. Endowed and Impotent, a disgrace as a man and a waist.

c. Also, Priapus is the god of harvest, similar to the legacy of Cain and Tamuz, (the month of June). In the fantasy, harvesting men’s seed is the action, but it is forcefully stealing man’s strength, his life force, his manhood, and his spiritual and physical vitality. It is a D0M taking by force that which belongs to another. In the process it robs and destroys true manhood. It is bullying and abuse.

d. Edging also completely opens my mind to fantasy, previous porn, pagan sexual practices, without release. It keeps you ever enticed with the perverse and wicked. It is the worst in every aspect. The momentary pleasure makes me want more and it usually won’t stop until marital release or relapse. Even marital release will be plagued with the same perverse fantasies.

Christ came to set the captive free, provide release from bondage, and give us life abundantly.

 

I got my blood work today. At first I was concerned because my testosterone come up with a red flag, then I saw it was red because it was high 875. I attribute this to nofap and carnivore diet.

 

Happy Easter. Christ is Risen, indeed. Satan is defeated.

Spoiler: potentially triggering imagery

 

100 Days!!!! It's not who I am, but whose I am:

I belong to the True God of War:

 

Adding this post to my journal: I've been fighting this for over 20 years. My current is the longest streak I can remember, but I know I went without porn for several years when I first started recovery. I can't remember how much I struggled with MO at that time, but I sure wasn't perfect. Even though I'm 8 months free of porn right now, I do feel I could slip back. I don't want to, but the pull is still there and it is even worse when I compromise with visual stimulation or edge myself. It is a tough battle, you always have to be on your guard, and any compromise can start leading you back to relapse. The good news is the more you focus on recovery, the more work you put into it, the less you will be drawn to relapse. You are either moving toward recovery or relapse, there is no standing still in this battle.

 

Been quiet lately. The post on Nofap are not very engaging. I know the censors have beat people up a lot, so I think people just aren't sharing much other than the superficial.

I was reflecting a lot and struggling a lot with edging. Keeping off porn, and even keeping off MO, but pushing myself to the limits and then depending on my wife when things got out of hand. This was a really bad habit. What I noticed is that although I could technically maintain my streak, the edging was actually robbing me of all the benefits of nofap. I was getting discouraged, depressed, and hopeless, I was losing sleep, and self-esteem and motivation plummeted, and even my diet, exercise became less productive. So, just based on the benefits of nofap, I was relapsing without relapsing. It is a lose lose because I lose all the benefits, and don't even get the satisfaction of a full release or binge. Believe me I don't want to binge, but I now see that edging is really binding. It always comes back to obedience, as Christians. If we obey, we will experience the blessing of Christ. If we disobey, the natural and spiritual consequences are the curse. And no one can avoid that, even if you aren't doing your bottom line activity. Not to mention, that edging will almost always lead to relapse if not corrected.