I have fought the good fight here for too many years. This video (and this guys channel) really speak to the things that my therapist and I have worked on and talked about. I am a very private person, I am a perfectionist, I strive to please people and I care deeply how other people see me. These qualities make deep relationships with people quite difficult. Vulnerability is hard for me. PMO has been the “perfect”, private escape for me. This ends now. I have to find a way to have deeper relationships in my life that I can be open an honest with about life. And I’m not talking about disclosing my porn addiction, I’m talking about being open about frustrations, insecurities, worries, stresses, etc. if I can be more open and honest with real people about the painful things I am experiencing, I will turn to my compulsions less. I will find it much easier to abstain from sexual content. I hope this video helps someone else.
Here’s a follow up to my last post: today’s been a tough day. For me, it’s been a slow day at work, I don’t have a strong purpose or agenda for me today. So where does my mind go? I’ll give you one guess. Today I have witnessed more than I have ever felt before that at this moment, I can either choose to reach out to somebody and engage/connect and have meaningful interaction. Or I choose sex. It’s black-and-white today. I either choose a meaningful connection with anybody (non sexual), or I indulge in sexual fantasies and sexually charged material. Both take my mind off of the uncomfortable, unpleasant boredom or lack of direction I have today. However, everyone is substantially healthier for me than the other. It’s clear to me today though, that sexual fantasy is filling the void of fulfillment. It’s filling the void of vulnerability. It’s filling the void of conection. It’s filling the void created by loneliness, discontentment, inadequacy. So, today, rather than run to my sexual fantasy land, I need to sit here I guess, I need to just sit in whenever unpleasantness I’m feeling and maybe find someone to be vulnerable with, and share my loneliness, my discontentment, my inadequacies. It’s much healthier than pushing them away with a sexual escape.
