Good morning all, My partner starts a new job in a couple of weeks. He got to meet his team a few days ago and he works with all men except one singular Asian female. I’m worried and worked up about him working with her and being close proximity all the time, please tell me I’m overreacting. He’s doing all the right steps for himself and us concerning the addiction. He goes to a therapist and regular PA meetings. He’s changed completely and I can tell he’s being honest and so lovely. He genuine loves me and takes my feelings into consideration and strives to make me happy. Will him working closely with her make her the object of his fantasies? He’s fixed his wandering eye, he doesn’t consume porn anymore, he doesn’t even solo masturbate but yet I’m afraid. More so, this team is a close knit team of people our age (20s), he told me they often do things together like camping trips, bonding exercises, etc. I told him I don’t know if I feel comfortable with the camping trips but everything else sounds really nice and he told me that he understands and doesn’t think he’d even want to go. I love him. So any advice? Am I being crazy? Am I overthinking for nothing? Thank you.
First, it's great to hear your partner is taking serious steps towards recovery, that is awesome! It's difficult to tell a partner of a PA that they're overreacting because as a partner of an addict you have more than likely been lied to and this has infected your relationship with a level of distrust. One of the worst things PA does within a relationship is it seems to infect, to a degree, the partner with similar self-worth insecurities and distrust as the addict. I think it might be good to ask yourself, what steps are you taking to heal the wounds you have?
I agree with the post above and hope you're getting the help you need to heal. I think it is perfectly ok to voice and share your concerns with him. You're not accusing him of anything, but simply stating your feelings and concerns, and if he has empathy for you and what his actions in the past have caused, he will understand and appreciate you sharing your feelings. And he can reassure you on his recovery and behavior. Then it is just a matter of watching his behavior over time to ensure that he's still on the recovery road, not just his words. I hope you both can continue to communicate and be emotionally vulnerable with each other and rebuild the trust and connection.
I don’t appreciate your comment and I don’t find it helpful. It might just be one girl but that’s all it takes to make a recovering porn addiction slip. One video, one girl, one time.. etc. You also don’t know how deep he was into the addiction. Please, if you have anything helpful to help me, let me know. Otherwise, please leave. Thank you.
I greatly appreciate this response, thank you. I’m doing a lot of self worth / self appreciation / self love work books. I’m seeing a therapist that specializes in betrayal trauma as well as anxiety and depression for other problems I am facing. I’m doing a lot better compared to our DDay but I know there’s still work to be done, on both our parts.
Thank you so much. We talked about it and I told him we can talk about it before he starts. I spoke to another group of PA partners and they said they would talk about boundaries concerning her and their partner’s relationship and so I feel like that’s a vital step for me to feel safe. He’s very empathetic and listens to my issues and I couldn’t appreciate him more for those things.
I wouldn't worry unless your instinct or evidence suggests otherwise. And as a side note, I'm not surprised he's not keen on the camping. If it's on work days then maybe. But if he's meant to do team building over the weekend, make small talk, and keep the corporate filter on? no thanks indeed.
There are a number of dependancies, questions to consider (not necessarily to respond to publicly): - Did the broken trust of his PA involve cheating? Is this work situation similar to his PA indiscretions? - At team bonding trips events - will there be alcohol involved? - How long has he been in recovery for? Months or years? If years, he should be building up a toolkit to help handle this. While he still needs a 'sober' voice to rationalise 'the addict' in his brain offering him poor advice, he should be better prepared for this vs. a few months in recovery. Ultimately, it all comes down to the individual. There are plenty of men on this forum that have had issues with PA, but the idea of engaging with a woman in real life is anxiety-inducing. If that's your husband, I'd say your the chances of this ending in cheating is probably low? If however, his indiscretions involved stepping out on the marriage, then yes, for sure - your feelings have very valid. At the end of the day, if he relapses and/or engages with his colleague in an inappropriate way, he'll have to own this mistake and deal with the ramifications. While you can point out some fears and anxieties you have, ultimately, the decision will be up to him as to how he handles this. He can remove himself from triggering situations, but there will be a time where he does need to work with a female in the future. In our current corporate culture, this will one day involve Christmas drinks, office party etc etc etc (however, I think camping is a pretty unique experience.. personally, I wouldn't want to go... but more because I don't want to camp with the professionals I work with). He'll need to build up enough strength to handle triggering situations in the future (with caution... obviously, putting yourself in harms way is not a smart idea). After disclosing your fears with him about this, you could put in place a plan of some DO's and DO NOT's that will both keep him sober, as well as quell your fears. That might be, no alcohol or texting you every few hours while in a social-work-party-setting (note: not at work... that wouldn't be productive). Agree with previous responses - working on yourself is a really important. Sounds like you're doing that work. You're both rebuilding - and congrats to you both for hanging in there and working on it. Transparency is key. Honesty is key. Working toward full-trust is also key. Good luck!
I dont know your partner, but I can just share my experience with my addiction. I was heavily addicted to porn. Even in my relationship I just could not stop in a consistent way and lied about my use. Not proud of that. However, cheating with another person was something I never ever even considered. Admitted, being addicted comprimised my decision making in certain aspects of my life, other aspects however stayed untouched.
This is a rude response to someone who gave you an opinion that you didn't like. They probably didn't mean any harm with what they said, but I find it annoying how intolerant some younger people have become. If they don't agree with another's opinion they can become hostile. You should realize that for the most part, everyone here is trying to help although they may not be able to express or say everything in a way that you agree with. The answer is not for them to leave, but maybe for you to either accept people's responses or not ask for anyone's opinions or help.
