Not sure what happened, AGP? TOCD? Instantly? what happen?

Hey so I am a 18 year old male or atleast I am pretty sure. I had a great life all 18 years. I had always been manly, never done anything feminine or ever liked it in my life. Nothing to do with trans, nothing my childhood and everything was manly and masculine, loved myself so far and still do. Never questioned my gender not a single percent literally nothing other then me having social anxiety and being a bit shy. Other than that I am 100% man and my entire life has been man and have always fucking loved being a man. Up until the day after graduation which was a month and a half ago. I have always loved woman and never liked men in my life. One of my dreams was to become a stay at home father because I did computer science and i wanted children very bad. I graduated from high school everything was good and great. And then, one day, I saw this dreamybull video a man who is known as a meme who does like anal masturbating to himself and it’s been always so funny to me but when I saw the video of him talking about how he got into it, i was bothered from the video for some reason. I just left it and then the day after i graduated is when all hell broke loose, May 24th. I went out with my friends and I remember we went to the back of spencer’s and i saw the butt plugs and for some reason I was bothered by it but I didn’t know why. I told my friends what if I bought one for my girlfriend (I have never had one but I tried so many times) In porn I started watching it and PMO-ing when I was like 15 freshman in high school. Only masturbated to like pictures of naked women, or lesbian porn or just solo girls. I just like watching as if I was 3rd person NEVER imagined myself as the woman one time. Always was aroused at getting with woman and honestly it was mostly like wholesome relationships like cuddling and all that and just sex as a regular man. I loved looking good and always have I still have people being like damn your a good looking dude, you don’t look like your dad at all (when I hang out with him) and it makes me feel pretty good or sometimes I feel good when people call me sir, I have always wanted to look badass too like an anime character dude, like looking badass, I kinda look like phoenix from valorant.
And just imagining myself badass as them is just sick as shit. Anyway, I had a hard time watching the porn videos with men in it because I got uncomfortable seeing a dick in the videos so I never watched those. I watched just lesbians and solo but it was all anal. I just remember my friend showed me porn in like 4th grade and up until 8th I would watch the the anal videos sometimes and just sit there hard cause i didn’t know what masturbation was. Anything including me was nasty as shit though like I never wanted shit near my ass or anything sexual related to me other than my dick of course with a woman. The only hard things I watched in porn was just lesbians, solo, hentai anything with anal gaping, shit, and farting, all that disgusting stuff and just watching it visually gave me all the pleasure I never wanted to ever experience this nasty shit to myself or imagined it. Until the night after graduation I went home from the mall with my friends and something was a little off but I didn’t understand why. I watched my usual anal porn video and masturbated to the video. After I randomly came up with a thought, I wonder what it felt for the woman? but like I wasn’t curious like I wanted to see myself I just asked a general question because it randomly came up from the dreamybull video about sticking shit up his ass and how he got into it. I then got scared and wondered why I asked myself that? AND IT wouldn’t leave my head, I started searching up so many things that night and reddit stories which was awful. I scared myself to death and thought I was gay, and had my first ever panic attack crying and grabbing my hair wondering why it wouldn’t leave. The next day and every day since then was living hell getting worse everyday. I thought I had HOCD. But then I threw in a thought I said a month prior to my friend saying I wish I had my own tits to play with cause I was so horny and didn’t have a girlfriend but it just left me and the thought never appeared again I didn’t actually want boobs at all it just literally left instantly and I lived life just watching porn like I never had the thought and looked at everything in life the same like I usually did. I do remember one time last year I was mid bust and as it was coming out i randomly thought what if I had dicks in my ass but it kinda didn’t really do anything it was just a random thought. Like if you randomly imagine some shit kinda like if I imagined the video game I was playing while I was busting it was kinda like that, like it didn’t help me ejaculate faster it was just a thought kinda like the boobs thing. And ever since that night and obsessively imagining I would get extreme anxiety over literally everything related to gender, he or she, what my pronouns were, thought about when I walked towards female and male bathrooms, didn’t hesitate just walked into males. And I didn’t understand what was happening. I was also imagining boobs on myself and I fuckijg hated it all and I still do. I would kill for my old life. I didn’t get aroused at shit and when I tried to watch porn during this it was hard I couldn’t even do it, my brain instantly was imagining it self in the woman’s position and if I wanted to watch it I had to ignore those thoughts and just pretend I was a male in the videos or 3rd person. It was awful. I didn’t know what to do so I asked my sister who is gender fluid and has ocd as well as my mother. She’s like bro your so dumb, if I saw any ounce of you was female I would have told you to become my sister already. And still up to now I am no where feminine and never really enjoyed it. I needed answers which ocd can’t give you. Every pretty girl or some girls would trigger me to think do I want to be them or be with them? And I couldn’t even look at pretty girls anymore because I tried to imagine them as myself over my hot male self cause I look too good for this and never hated myself so I don’t understand what happened. I loved my voice my facial hair, was actually mad a week before the thoughts I had no goatee. And still during this I still 100% love woman. And that’s what I always have. So I had a hard time watching porn and it wasn’t very enjoyable, Like I can get hard but now my brain was imagining myself as the female and I felt bad about it because it didn’t make any sense. Just getting mostly anxiety from everything. Couodjt look at boobs nothing everything was triggering me Inwas imagining shit on me I never had it and I just disliked it so much it wasn’t even hot. I had my sister help me and I was like Ok i’ll try a skirt on and it wasn’t really hot it was just on and the only thing that was good was the ballsack air, I even tried putting bras on during these thoughts and it wasn’t making me aroused and it was kinda just on me again making me look like a girl which was kinda annoying, then I looked at it from the side where the boob was supposed to be inside and I was like idk I guess that’s kinda hot? But wasn’t aroused by it at all. That was 2 weeks ago, I didn’t know what was happening. I loved vagina but I didn’t really watch much porn with it. Always loved my dick so much and randomly began to get uncomfortable with it, I was like are you fucking serious? What happen to my manly self? On top of this everytime I look at words I used to call woman lioe mommy or bbg or anything got completely reverted to me, I was like wtf? Why am I having a reaction to this. It’s like my brain switched places on me I was like what is happening to me? This was a little over a week ago. I have never cross-dressed or done anything like that in my life other then experimenting and don’t really want too. But then the worst thijg happened. I keep searching from answers everywhere and I saw some creepy dude fantasizing about becoming a woman and it was his happiness and only wanted to be a mother and pregnant and all this. AND I thought it was a good story and it was not, the guy turned trans after 20 years. And the thought with my ocd thoughts plagued my brain and my brain began to imagine me pregnant I was like there’s no fucking way, like I am not enjoying this, when did I ever want to become a pregnant mother are you serious? And because of this and I kept thinking I was like oh my god oh no what if all these thoughts and me wanting to be a father this is what it was and I got scared I was like oh hell no go away please. I could never get rid of it because of the ocd. When my brain does it, It gives me distress and it makes me feel like my stomach is big and then I can’t breathe unless I huff my stomach up and I am like why why is this happening? Until I dont think about it I feel better. I never wanted any of this, I wanted a normal man’s life. Almost everyday I cry, distressed, pray to god and don’t know what to do. After all this it got even worse reading about agp it got 10x worse, contemplated suicide like 10 times. Then when I read about apg I instantly started getting hard at everything. My brain sticks to everything. I saw a gay dude walking, kinda laughed at him then my dad brought it up and I started obsessing over thr way he walked kinda like the pregnant thing. I started gettijt anxiety even in my feet I was like oh my god I am gonna get up and start walkijg like him. And I was fixated on my feet ans I was walking like him for a second and I got scared and it also happener when I pulled my hand back and it looked girly I was like oh my god I am turning into a girl. I forgot about the leg thing then I started walking normally again kinda like when I am not thinking about the pregnant thing. I get randomly fixated at things like my chest throughoit the day at like saying do I want tits? At one point that was my main issue like 2 weeks ago, but then I remembered I liked looking badass but why did it randomly feel like something is missing on my chest? I am so confused Ive always loved my body how did this happen instantly? Anyway yeah, and after reading the agp stories a million times I now get aroused and never have I don’t know what happen. I never liked dicks and getting fucked or anything but instantly I wanna get fucked like a girl? That doesn’t sound right at all though, it happened instantly. It still doesn’t now, what happen to me? I got so mad a few days ago I literally went to the bathroom and started sticking fingers up my own ass and I got a super wrection and jerked off and spreading my cheeks like the girls in the video. And I was like what the fuck? This isn’t right at all, I’ve never liked shit near my ass at all and I still don’t want to imagine any of this shit it gives me more distress then happiness, just like the rest of the thoughts. I just want to be a normal man. Then earlier today I jerked off to some hot asian chick on reddit shitting and wondered to myself I was randomly not really getting hard, I was like what? Why the fuck would I want shit up my ass and why would I want to do this like these girls? And I never liked men or dicks, I thought futa were hot in the last couple months but never masturbated to them cause it felt weird. I am so confused what happen, why I randomly am getting aroused after reading these stories. I could never see anything from the man’s perspective anymore and it’s awful honestly . This was not the life I envisioned and wanted. I always wanted a quiet life with a wife and kids and now I turned into some kinda of monster. I was like well now I have to deal with this or turn trans. But then I was like, going trans is just gonna make it worse, I can’t live out my masculine dream, and I would never be able to leave my house because for some reason I am randomly aroused at these thoughts and it would be just masturbating 24/7 and that would be the end of my life basically. And it doesn’t make since to turn trans, I have never had feminine energy in my life and now all of a sudden my brain switched in just a few weeks. and I still have no feminine energy. But I can never look at hot woman now without my brain asking if I wanna be like them or randomly saying I want that or their hair. How? I’ve always loved myself and my body. I can’t even enjoy music because my brain thinks anything of the men talking to woman it relates it to me. I am like holy shit fuck my life. Nothing is enjoyable anything. I feel so alienated from my real self, my body, pregnant? Wtf? I DONT KNOW HOW THIS SHIT JUST HAPPENED INSTANTLY AND NOW IM GETTING AROUSED AT IT. I punched the shit out of my balls and stomach and my head to stop thinking like this. I just want to be a regular fucking man again, I don’t want to fucking imagine tits on myself. I don’t want to be in the woman’s position in porn. I want my old self back and I would kill for it. 2 days ago I pmod too 2 trans videos and I never even fucking liked that shit before the thoughts. I somehow got even bigger wrection. I got so mad at myself, I was like dude are you fucking serious? Why the fuck do you randomly like this shit? And I still felt horrible about it. The pregnant thing is the worst I don’t know why I fuckijg read stories. I don’t know what happen to me. I get fucking hard if I feel my own ass, when I take a shit it’s just awful. This is no way to live a life. I just want to be a regular man, live like I used too. Have a wife and kids, none of this fuckijg random pregnant which I never imagined in my life or dicks up my ass. I am scared to even go near guys now and pretty sure I might get aroused even though I am straight. I am 18 years old man I can’t even live fuckijg life. Everyone has enjoyed their summer, I been on hell. I don’t know what happen to me. All of this stuff just doesn’t sound mentally good it just sounds depressing. Even if I do enjoy it, it just sounds depressing like it’s dark that entire way all of the thoughts. I don’t even know how to feel happy anymore. I wish I had someone that related to talk too. If mine is AGP it must be very minor or atleast I assume so I think? please help me, I am so young and I haven’t even lived life yet and I just randomly changed in a month and I been thinking 24/7 every single day depressed not knowing what i like or not and it’s just awful, and it happened instantly. I am also Christian and looked towards god during this when I was never really religious and I don’t know if there’s a way to live a normal life again like I used to and enjoy everything again, and be manlier again and not imagine such weird things like this random pregnant thing which I hate, and this porn shit. When I think that nothing will happen to my body or nothing will change and it’s mine I get relieved for a little bit or I don’t have to imagine this random pregnant shit or sex shit I am relieved, it’s so calm. Can anyone with experience please talk with me? Privately or in here? And give your opinions or what I can do? Don’t say anything that can bring up new stuff in my brain though please. Thank you! Just want to feel the same as every male as I used too.

 

I also have a crush on this girl that loves me and I just keep doubting everything and I wanna be perfect for her.

 

But yeah honestly i mean it’s pretty bad but not that bad, life is still pretty awful, really annoying when my brain is like maybe you wanna be like her and look like her, and i’m like wtf? Very annoying I saw a girl with like her mouth open and I was like bro fuck it try moaning bro but to see if you like it. It ended up just sounding just like a moan, it didn’t even make me hard it kinda just sounded retarded. It’s a LOT LESS IRL, i actually do have a fantasy, not sexual or anything like that. I do too many things manly for this to even get close to taking over me. I look like Miles Morales so like a pretty good fantasy of me is being like Miles Morales and just being the strongest and the best and on top like him. So this has to be porn-induced, don’t know how all this happened instantly. I will not live out these devilish thoughts and I hope to feel as much as on top and be like Miles one day even though my brain is having a hard time imagining it I can imagine the excitement from getting out of this and cosplaying Miles since I got the suit already. I am quitting porn for good, shit really fucked me up bro. Also I pull too many chicks as it is, like I don’t need this shit. Just gonna let go everything that comes up in my brain.

 

But, when I don’t randomly think of like one thing, if I should wear this or this or do this and this, I am calm and good I feel like, but when I have these thoughts I am like shit I don’t know if this or this or not this and then I get stressed. So it feels like none of this is really real.