Day 1. Last Wednesday I posted my current struggle and received some great comments, both recommended therapy. I probably should go to therapy again, right now I just can't afford it. That being said I made it 5 days without PMO, which hasn't happened in a long time. I was also able to cut back my drinking drastically. The straw that broke the camels back was a horrific panic attack last night, which I used alcohol to cope with. I caved this morning and engaged in PMO. I fully intend to outlast 5 days and go for much longer, I think the panic attack was brought on by a lack of alcohol and PMO, 2 things my brain has been used to a lot of on the daily. I'm not entirely sure how to cope with extreme anxiety situations like panic attacks as it's not something I have dealt with before... It's almost like abstaining allowed me to feel again, but feel everything very strongly. It's honestly a blessing that God pushed me through a difficult 5 days like that and stuck with me the whole time. Even now after I relapse and sin he is right here seeking my salvation and pushing me to be the man I was meant to be. Always encouraging me to try harder and push through the toughest times together. He shoulders my burdens, I will try to make them lighter. I'm seeking some routine advice on living my life. Now that I'm back I still feel a bit lost and could use some suggestions on how to pray (CPilot recommended from the heart), what to pray, if I should pick up the gospel and read every day again, etc. Also, what changes can I make in my life to help manage stress and addiction? The only healthy habit I have picked up over the past 2 months has been getting back in the gym and lifting at least a couple times a week and trying to get 8 hrs of sleep every day. One thing to note is that I work as a Park Ranger and work a wide variety of night and morning shifts throughout the month so having a normal schedule can be difficult. Planning out my weeks tends to help with that. I will also be seeking to spend more quality time with my wife, any recommendations on how to go about that or some ideas on how to grow closer again would be greatly appreciated. I'm excited to be living again and I appreciate all of you. You have helped me so much in the past and much like God you are here to help again. Despite the fact I feel I turned my back on this community and left last November. I am deeply sorry for that.
How to pray from the heart? A very good question. I think this is something of an individual thing but I will happily share what this means to me. 1) Silence. Find a place where you will not be distracted. The longer the better but don't worry, it can be as short as a few minutes or as long as you need. In any case, if I am praying for help with a specific temptation, I try to pray for as long as it takes for the temptation to go away. Invariably, at this point the evil one tells me I don't have time for this and invariably, I do have time. This is important to remember. 2) I often use the A.C.T.S. method to compose my prayers. The sequence is important so try not to skip right to the end. A-Adoration. Spend a little time considering God's incredible works (like the universe, like nature, like the structure of matter, etc. C-Contrition Admit to God you are a sinner who is sorry for his sins and declare your determination to do God's will T- Thank God for His incredible mercy, love, justice and all the gifts He has given you personally (your talents, your family, your job, the very planet we live on, your life, etc.) S - Supplication, now ask God to hear your request and for the grace to do His will 3) Try to listen for God's reply. To me, this usually comes in the form of revelation in my mind; often something I have never thought of before and probably wouldn't have considered on my own. Sometimes it comes in the form of a recollection of the words of a pertinent prayer or a bible verse or the wise words of others now resonating in my mind. Invariably, as long as I have given my human mind enough time to hear and understand, I am also left with a new bit of happiness within me. In any case, it is common for everyone to become distracted at this point so we need a strategy to stay focused. It is helpful to begin this listening stage by saying the name of Jesus reverently and quietly with the exhale of each breath. While doing this, I like to consider an image of God such as Christ and His sacred heart or Christ on the Cross. I think about a huge persona of Him hovering over a lonely highway. When a thought comes along to distract me, I consider it as a car passing on the highway. It comes by me, it passes, I let it go away and I return to the image of Christ. If need be, I tell myself I will return to that thought later but for now, I want to keep my focus on Christ. In this way, not nearly as complex as I make it out to be, I share my heart with God. I am not sharing someone else's words but my own. Certainly it is very helpful to bring ourselves closer to God by reading scripture and thoughtfully reciting prayers by rote but during this time, I just want to share what is in my heart with God and listen for His reply. Remember, God love you personally. Yes, you. So, He wants to hear what is in your heart, not someone else's. My apologies for hijacking your post like this but I pray this is helpful to you and others.
I never consider your sound advice hijacking. I am returning again after some recent horrendous events and this was exactly what I needed to jumpstart my journey back into deep faith and prayer. I'm going to try and put these practices to good use!
I am an environmental scientists. Most recently I worked as a park ranger. I live in a forest, I love nature and it connects me to God. My wife is the most important person on the planet to me. I found God later when I was 18 years old and he healed me from PMO and all the damage I had caused to my relationship. Now I'm 24 and after years of being free of PMO I find myself struggling again after falling back into it during a very stressfull period in life (college, moving 1400 miles, fixer upper house, multiple full time low paying internships, etc). Unfortunately the habit stuck around and I let it get worse. This also made alcohol an easy thing to turn to when dealing with stress. Life is not that stressful now and I don't have any excuses! God will guide me and I will listen! My goal this week is to stop PMO permanently and make it till Friday without a drink. So far I spent some time reading the bible, now I will practice the ACTS prayer method!
This is officially Day 4 of no PMO and I didn't drink yesterday! The small victories matter all the same. I am feeling the effects of alcohol withdraw though. My brain will be wracked with withdraw from substance and pornography as I continue on my journey. That being said my faith continues to grow and I have been spending hours today in Christian study and reflection. Where withdraw leaves a hole in me Christ fills it ten fold.
Continuing no PMO or drinks until the weekend and the cravings are beginning to set in. I will stay strong, please pray for me! 1 Peter 2:11 Beloved, I beg you as sojourners and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul,
One day at a time. Count each day of sobriety as one big step forward. You can do this! Praying for you. Please pray for me.
Well I was doing pretty well there for a while. But here I find myself again, this time experiencing another traumatic event. I grew up with a dad who was severely addicted to drugs and frequently cheated on my mom. He was a massive manipulator, narcissist, and gaslighter. After a long period of sobriety (15 odd years) he has been back at it again and it's been digging up a lot of past trauma. Now I am flying my mom up north as it's kind of an emergency and a really terrible situation for her to be in. This year I have experienced these life altering events. 1. Had to put down a dog I loved very much. 2. Finally taking the battle on alcoholism seriously. 3. My dad recommitting the acts that caused me childhood trauma. 4. Being unemployed for a strenuous period of time. 5. Getting close to divorce. 5. Seriously considered ending it all. To be completely honest this has been the most difficult year of my life. It came close to conquering me. I am going to double down. I am not going to let the grief, hurt, pain, shame, and the devil win. God has kept me around for a reason, I'm going to show him I can do better. Two positives as of late is that I have been working on battling my porn and alcohol addiction. I have been having consistent victories and been making long strides comparatively to my past. I will keep on going, I will pull myself up from this crap year and make life work for me, I'm tired of letting other people and pain rule my life. The only one allowed to rule my life is God. Here is my gameplan for the days moving forward... 1. Make life work for me. Conquer it with God. Routine is important. 2. Read the bible for 10 minutes and pray the ACTS. 3. Read and process my life altering events, do not let them rule me. 4. Plan my day. 5. Do chores and listen to something after prayer, planning, and readings. 6. January 1st I will go get a job and become financially stable. Unemployment has been tough, I have had so many interviews, applied to at least 40 jobs, can't find positions in my field and have been holding off on taking a job that I will not enjoy. But January 1st I'm going to go into a place where I know I will hate the job and just take it anyways. Bottom line is I need the money to survive. I will try to find the positivity in unfulfilling work like I have had to do many times in the past. At the root of me is God, he is always here for me, he forgives me, he gives me another chance, he aids me when I need him most. I refuse to squander his love.
God's grace is strong within you. You've been dealt some serious blows and yet you are ready to get back up and fight for your soul and a life with God. I know Our Precious Lord is exceedingly proud of you and He will reward you in ways you probably don't expect. Sincere congratulations on your determination. "Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance,4 and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, 5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us." Romans 5: 3-5
