How do I help my SO. She has been hurt so much for my tears of lying and deception. How to I make it up to her. How do I prove I'm working on it this time for real. I lied about getting better a few times. Taking positive steps while all the while hiding my porn stash. I don't know what to do so I need help
Trust is like a bank account. It sounds like you're in a serious negative balance. It takes time to "repay" that. Make small deposits in any way you can. Don't make any more withdrawals. In time, you'll slowly build trust. I've lost loved ones over porn. It hurts.
My experience over the years with a couple of addictions: 1) I was never able to break an addiction by trying to help my SO or by trying to make it up to her. 2) The only way I ever overcame a serious addiction was when I got to the point that I (really) decided I was going to do it for myself. Getting to that point meant I had to accept that my addiction was controlling me in a negative way and that I was really committed to changing my basic outlook on things no matter how much it hurt me at the time. And it really hurt for a while. That is frequently really hard to do while in a relationship unless you both are quite mature and very committed to the relationship, and can be really honest, open minded and very good at communicating. 3) IMO, once you get to the point that you can totally commit to recovery, and you have a partner who is willing to work with you through the process, you have to do everything you can to make it work. Honesty is paramount now. She needs to know that you are serious and that this has a chance to work out in the end. IMO any dishonesty at this point is an end game for the partner, as it should be. It means the addict is not really committed to change. It doesn't matter how hard that may be for them, the end result is are is they are not ready to change. So, are you ready to change?
