My story

I am 29 years old and I've recently come to understand that I am an alcoholic, that I'm also addicted to porn and masturbation. I started masturbating when I was 11 years old, and went from once a day or once every other day to several times a day at 19. The porn began at about 19, mostly softcore and voyeurism. I never got into any hard fetishes beyond watching non-actors/actresses have sex.

I started drinking occasionally at 19, which is when I had my first hangover. But drinking increased substantially at 21, when I became of legal age. I fell in love with a girl at 21, dated for a few months, and almost got married, but things didn't work out. Looking back on it, I see that both alcohol and porn/masturbating began to increase around this time and that all these things are likely connected to why that relationship didn't work out.

Ironically, I am a Christian and while I greatly enjoy discussing theology/history/science topics, I have been unable to leverage my faith to help me with these problems. The one thing that religion should've done for me I have been unable to do. Part of the issue has been that I didn't truly see a problem in what I was doing as I was in a state of denial. Now that I'm starting to see the problem, I'm trying to move beyond my religious viewpoints into something more practical, so it isn't just a mental exercise but actually something that edifies and builds me up to be a better person. That's something I have yet to accomplish, however.

For the past year or more I have been dealing with various degrees of depression and not understanding why. I recently went through a tough breakup with the same girl from eight years ago; I reached out and reconnected with her after a death in my family motivated me to reach out to someone that could bring me comfort. But things didn't work out again this time, and upon deeper reflection I am now certain that my alcohol and porn/masturbation problems were in a large way a contributing factor. This breakup happened several months ago, and it hit me harder than it did eight years ago. I had sick, dark thoughts, and on several occasions contemplated suicide. Not in the way of considering ways of carrying it out, but more in a "feeling sorry for myself" and wanting the pain to end kind of way.

I made a couple abortive attempts at rebounding into a new relationship, but that only made me feel worse. I tried taking up a new outdoor hobby, but I was still struggling with bad feelings and depression. Finally, I went to the Suicide Watch section of Reddit to see if I could get some ideas of how to help myself, or perhaps figure out ways that I could contribute positively to others and help them with their pain (and taking the focus off myself some). It was during one visit to Reddit that I found out about this website. When I started reading everyone's stories, it was like a light bulb went on. I related so much to the kind of emotional problems people were complaining about. I finally realized in large part where my emotional problems stemmed from. A few weeks ago I resolved that I would eventually stop porn/masturbation completely, but I kept delaying it. This brings me back to the alcohol problem. I had a close call with drunk driving a year ago but got lucky and avoided a DUI. Two nights ago I drank too much and decided to leave my home in order to get more alcohol. On the way back I got into a fender bender with a neighbor's parked car. The next day I spoke with my neighbor and, while not admitting to being the one driving (although it's something I'm sure we both tacitly understood), I offered to pay for the damage as soon as he had an estimate.

That is when I reached my "rock bottom." I am tired of the close calls and the feeling of inevitable dread that I am slowly killing myself with alcohol. I am tired of being stuck in an emotional rut of depression and loneliness. I have resolved to give up alcohol and porn/masturbation for 90 days, with the goal of making it a permanent change.

I have more to say but I am running low on time. Thanks for reading.

-ancient

 

Thanks, John.

One thing that has helped me tremendously already has just been posting this. Since I cannot use PMO to relax as my normal routine before I sleep anymore, I keep several books and my Kindle beside my bed now and the time before I sleep I use for reading. I'm reading books on addiction, both alcohol and sex, and that has been helpful for me to stay focused.

I'm currently on day 2 and so far I feel some urge to PMO but no real urge to drink. At this point I am not trying any special diets, although within two days I want to resume gym activity. I'm trying not to make too many changes at this point. (My doctor prescribed ambien has also been a lifesaver for being able to sleep as well.)

In addition to posting here anonymously I also shared this with a couple friends. It's an incredible feeling to finally be totally honest with someone that knows you personally. (Disclaimer: I'm about to write some things about my personal faith that has helped me. I do not write it to "convert" anyone, but perhaps these reflections may help you as well. I am not interested in debating these issues with anyone, and if you disagree with my religious views I would ask that you just move along. I have noted that even non-religious people often believe in some kind of karma, and it may help such people to view what I'm about to write in light of karma, namely, as my attempts to avoid the exploitation of others for selfish sexual gratification or avoiding alcohol abuse, all of which only ends up hurting myself and those unlucky enough to be caught up in my wake as collateral damage.)

As I wrote before, I am a Christian, but I have had a difficult time trying to view my problems in light of my beliefs. I didn't even fully realize the extent of the problem or even the damage that I was causing myself until recently. I thought that merely reading or studying the Bible was enough, and it wasn't. (James 1:22-25) But after posting here and sharing my struggles with a couple trusted friends, I finally (for the first time in my life, I think) feel "forgiven." Now it's up to me to "go and sin no more." (John 8:11) For the first time in my life I feel protective of my new state of feeling forgiven which is helping me stay focused on not relapsing. And by stepping out of my anonymity and sharing my struggles with trusted friends that know me, I feel accountable in a good way and I also don't want to let them down. I highly encourage anyone here to share their struggles with someone trustworthy that knows you personally. It will put you ahead of the game. This is not because I believe it is necessary to "confess" to a human before you receive forgiveness from God, but I do think it helps put you in a state of commitment to the path of healing. (James 5:14-16) You are also more ready to forgive yourself. By nature I am a perfectionist, and yet when I look around at what I've done this past decade I see how little I've accomplished and how I was capable of so much more. I used PMO to get a temporary good feeling (dopamine release) and alcohol to dumb the emotional pain from particular failings.

When I look back on my youth, I had no idea of the true ramifications of what I was beginning to do, although I was given plenty of warning that I didn't heed or believe in. Part of this is because, when I think back to being a young adolescent, we have difficulty understanding the long-term consequences of our actions, or at least this is true of some of us and it was certainly true of me at the time.

I hesitated for some weeks to post here and to take action against what I realized was a problem. Part of my hesitation is because some part of me didn't want to change, and the other part is the nature of the problem itself. It's an embarrassing problem to have, being an addict, and especially being addicted to PMO. But it really shouldn't be, because all it is is a natural chemical reaction in the brain. Wanting sex is natural, we are supposed to want that, to be in a relationship with a human, to bond and to procreate while in a committed relationship. I had to ask myself: Do I really believe in the Bible? Do I really believe in the implications of maintaining that belief? Do I really believe, for example, that there is a very old and highly experienced, highly intelligent spirit creature that knows my weaknesses and that of the entire human race and has therefore set traps before me? (2 Tim. 2:26; 2 Cor. 2:11; Ps. 91:3) So why on earth would I try to hide my problems and deal with it entirely on my own? I'd be playing right into his hands (or at least continuing to do so) if I kept ignoring this problem and not seeking out assistance. I need all the help I can get at this point. Which is why I'm also going to resume seeing a therapist and also telling her about my realizations and goals.

Looking back, what amazes me was how simple of a trap this was and how easy it could've been to avoid. It literally is the 'low hanging fruit' that gets us. (Gen. 3:1-6) Hopefully this doesn't sound too paranoid, as I also believe that it was ultimately my choice and decision to do all the things that I did. I wanted to. (James 1:14,15) What's done is done now, so now I'm left with the struggle of healing and digging my way out. Current science tells us that everything I've been doing up until this point has been altering my brain chemistry, making it more difficult for me to stop and easier for me to continue repeating my mistakes. As a situation alone, it is a trap of genius, and with the added embarrassment on top of all this (due to the nature of the trap), it just creates a perfect storm of addiction.

Now that I've realized the dangers of what I've been doing as well as the implications of what it means in association with my Christian belief, I am now taking practical steps to correct my behavior. But instead of only focusing on the negative aspects regarding how I got myself into this mess, I want to reflect more on the provisions that God has promised that I would have access to, to focus on those things, in addition to all the practical steps I've been taking. As I develop more positive reflections and insights I will post them here (unless I'm told to stop, for whatever reason).

-ancient

 

BTW - I paid my neighbor $1500.00 to fix the damage that I caused to his car. As much as that sucks, I remind myself that the cost of a DUI, driver's license revocation, added insurance costs and loss of employment would've sucked far worse. I got away lucky, and the next time I have a temptation to drink I will simply remind myself that I've already paid for the most expensive 12-pack in history and that that was simply a habit I cannot afford.

 

Yes, the neighbor took mercy on me which I appreciate.

I have thought about AA. I just left a message to see if I could schedule an appointment with my therapist for either today or tomorrow, or whenever I can. I haven't seen her since February, and we never discussed the PMO topics before so I'm sure she'll be able to help me make some recommendations for next steps.

If you have health insurance, there should be no reason NOT to go to a counselor or therapist, in my opinion. It will be just one more thing to help commit you to a state of progression and healing. And it'll be a lot easier to tell one person privately than it would be to tell an entire room of people... although I may eventually do that as well, if I find I need that kind of a support group.

-ancient

 

Yesterday I visited my therapist who referred me to another counselor in my area that has studied specifically about breaking these kinds of addictions and who is pretty much the "go-to guy" for breaking free of alcohol and sexual addictions. I immediately made an appointment for Monday afternoon.

So far I'm holding up okay. I tried to go out last evening and see a movie but had trouble focusing and enjoying it. I'm feeling very irritable. Halfway during the movie I got up to use the restroom and upon returning found that a gentleman had taken my seat, despite the availability of other seats and the fact that I had left my soda container in it to mark my seat. I switched seats but felt enraged; I wanted to go back and slug the guy. But I reminded myself of what it is that I'm trying to do, that I'm particularly vulnerable to strong emotions right now, and to just relax. Still, I couldn't enjoy the movie so I left.

Amazingly, a minority of people that I thought would be in my corner has turned against me after I confided in them about my addictions and what I was doing to get help. It seems that either they don't want me to change, or in my selfishness over the years I hurt them along the way and they saw this as an opportunity to kick me while I was down. In either case, I take this as a sign that I must be doing something right. I will do whatever it is that I must do regardless of what anyone else chooses to do or say.

Prayer has helped, especially when the fantasies occasionally pop in my head. Yesterday was tough, but I am hopeful that today will be better. Staying busy and focused.

-ancient

 

Just a quick update: 4 days and still going strong. Feeling good today and keeping busy.

-ancient

 

Five days and still going strong. Last night I had a good time as the designated driver for a friend. I even watched a couple movies with my buddy and never imagined being able to do that without a beer in my hand. Of all three addictions that I'm battling, masturbation seems to be the worst. I don't really crave the porn or the drinking... but the desire to masturbate is like an undercurrent of hunger that lives inside my head, just below the surface. It even feels like it's right in front of my skull where my forehead is, which may just be my imagination. If I could inject my forehead with a syringe of dopamine I probably would, if such a thing existed (mostly joking).

Really looking forward to my session with my new therapist on Monday and coming up with new strategies and coping mechanisms. Otherwise just keeping it simple and trying to stay out of trouble and compromising situations. Also, I purchased "Breaking the Cycle" for my Kindle which I will read throughout slow moments during the day.

 

I'm just going to go ahead and say it: This sucks. I never realized before how much my mind unconsciously wanders toward sex and objectifying women. Today has been very challenging, however, I have not given in nor will I give in. I realize now that I've compartmentalized aspects of myself and one of those compartments is "Christian" and another one is "chronic masturbator." I have to completely get rid of one compartment and entirely embrace another, and I choose Jesus. I want to be more like him. Now that I've confronted these addictions I finally see how far from the goal I really am.

I'm reading more in "Breaking the Cycle" before I get back to the work I have to get done today. If anyone reads this and has a few words of encouragement to offer, please share it. I need some encouragement today.

-ancient

 

I honestly feel better just after typing that out and reading it. I'm also tired of being in the apartment today. I have a sudden desire to go to the gym, even though I promised myself I wouldn't attempt any intense exercise for a couple more weeks because I didn't want the additional pressure. But I suddenly, really, really want to go lift some weights. I'm going to get into my gym clothes and head that way now.

-ancient

 

I just wanted to jump in the forum and post to let everyone know that I am still holding on. I have more to say but I'm a bit in a hurry now. Will write more later (had a major epiphany last night).

-ancient

 

Ah, one week. I'm finally here! I think I must have crossed the threshold into a flat lined period because the urges and sexual fantasies have basically stopped. I think I've been doing some major detoxing in several areas and am now past the worst of it. Yesterday was incredibly emotionally painful, for several reasons that I'll go into in a future post. I was either on the verge of tears or extremely angry, those were the two emotional states from yesterday that I can recall. Visited the new therapist, it went well with a lot of questions asked and answered. Some questions went into my childhood that I would've been completely unprepared and unwilling to answer just a few days ago. The reason why I was probably open and honest as I was is because I had already gone through those questions on my own when I read the book, "Breaking the Cycle." So I was expecting it to go into those directions and I was ready to be honest about things I had ignored or not faced literally in decades.

I may be doing group therapy sessions soon, and I've got appointments for my therapist blocked out for the next month.

More to add soon. Want to directly respond to a few posts here. Thanks for the support, all.

-ancient

 

It was the most difficult the day before, so perhaps it's a "darkest just before the dawn" kind of thing. I hope it doesn't come back, I'm glad it's gone!

Would highly recommend: 1) self help book reading, 2) deep reflection and introspection, 3) meditation and prayer, 4) telling friends that you know and trust, 5) working with a therapist.

Getting enough sleep, etc also helps.

-ancient

 

These past two days I've had a very stressful move out of an apartment that was made more stressful than it needed to be by others. In spite of these events I am 8 days clean and going strong. I feel a little urge here and there, but for the most part I feel like the worst is past me. Now it's managing day to day and coming up with better coping mechanisms and strategies going forward.

Tired, will do a direct response to some comments that were made earlier a bit later (likely tomorrow).

-ancient

 

Nearing day 10... beginning to feel physical discomfort (not my just my imagination or mind acting up). My response: at least 45 minutes on the elliptical. Going to the gym now.

-ancient