My Story and Introduction

No I’ve been doing steroids for over a year now. I maxed out my potential before doing them although I probably would have taken them right off the bat if it wasn’t for side effects and plus I didn’t think I needed them. Unfortunately in my case it’s pretty much impossible to hit my fitness goals without them so I just went for it. Once on your pretty much on for life so if you’re not comfortable with that commitment then I say don’t do it. It does feel pretty great. Not invincible but it allows you to actually achieve your goals at the gym which is an amazing feeling. You’d be surprised that it actually still takes a lot of work to get big even with steroids. I would say the biggest perk is the sex drive. It makes women more attractive and makes sex a lot better. Women are also more attracted to you because it’s just a genetic thing for them they are attracted to muscular masculine men. People also respect you more due to your physical prowess and alpha male traits. That’s probably the biggest plus.

Amazingly I wouldn’t say it makes my addiction worse. It helps and hurts in various ways. It helps because orgasms without porn are already amazing so makes staying away from porn easier. It obviously hurts because your sex drive is higher pretty self explanatory.

Overall it’s definitely something I enjoy doing and I don’t regret it in the least. I just wish I started when I was 18 not 28 to be honest.

 

Days 5 and 6

Day 5 I woke up and didn't use porn for the first time. I was officially resensitized to normal masturbation. That night, however, I was so exhausted from work that I had zero willpower and PMO'd again.

This morning, day 6, I woke up and used porn and facebook again. The brain fog at work was legit. I still feel depressed and worthless from all this relapsing. On my way home from work, I convinced myself that because it was Friday night and hot out, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to cruise the mall.

It was a nightmare. I couldn't stop myself. I cruised the mall and creepshotted 3 hot girls. One girl was smoking hot and she knew I was creepshotting her. I told myself I'd leave her alone but as my behavior escalated, I ended up convincing myself that she didn't care and liked the attention and went into the store she worked at and tried to take more shots. She knew, was creeped out, and it was horrifying. On the way out I was paranoid and convinced that a guy from the store who worked there was following me. Overwhelmed with guilt, I deleted all the shots, even good ones without even looking at them. I went home and convinced myself I'd never do it again, but minutes later, I was wishing I kept the shots. All in all, I ended up cruising the mall twice, another smaller mall, and target.

This is literally the worst things have been. Cruising store after store for hours. There is no way to be subtle about it, it is creepy and the girls know it. I feel like a piece of shit for making them feel that way. I need to stop. This addiction is so strong and it is killing me. I tried to avoid masturbation but I couldn't and I PMO'd.

I think that the mall incident scared me off for a while, but I know I'm screwed because Sunday, I'm working in the city and it will be a hot day with hot girls everywhere. I don't know how I'm going to stop myself.

I don't even know where to begin with controlling this addiction. Things were going good until I downloaded the Tumblr app and I've been struggling ever since. I am addicted to the porn on my phone, and it is driving me towards voyeurism in the real world. It seems that if it's on my phone or if I have access to it in any way I just can't say no. I need to block the app store altogether and my camera and just live without new apps or a camera for a year until my brain rebalances and I can get my life back together. Even if I have to block it for life, that is what I will do. I refuse to live like this. My therapist, however, is on vacation for weeks so until then I'm on my own. I'll need to just do my best to control myself and reflect on my behavior.

I'm getting more and more committed to quit, but it seems like the next relapse is always just around the corner. This is why I want to just block everything and have my life back. This is the hardest transformation of my life.

 

When I quit weed, I used medication as a crutch. Without it, I legitimately couldn't quit. It was impossible. I couldn't eat or sleep. Life without weed was impossible.

So, I saw a psychiatrist and said, "I'm trying to quit weed. I need medication that makes me hungry and sleepy." She prescribed a medication called Remeron. It made me sleep like a rock. When I woke up, it felt like I was tranquilized. This is exactly what I needed to quit weed. I almost felt stoned. I was able to go through the withdrawals of no weed. I had diarrhea like water, and I would wake up multiple times throughout the night drenched in sweat. I would literally have to towel myself off, change, and then go back to sleep multiple times per night.

Eventually, the physical withdrawals went away. I was left with depression, and I had to face life head-on without escaping with weed. This was hard. This took about 2 years. I stayed on the medication for two years while I got my life together.

After two years, I was finally ready to embark on a life of complete sobriety. By the grace of God, I found a website called dominatedepression.com. I purchased the program, and step by step, I was able to use supplements to come off of Remeron and balance my mood. I weaned myself off of Remeron very slowly. Taking 1/8th of my dose off at a time. Now, I am off of weed and Remeron all together. It took me nearly 3 years, but I can't even see myself going back on weed or Remeron.

This is what I hope to accomplish with quitting porn. I plan to use porn blockers as a crutch. As of now, everything is blocked on my phone and computer, except for the Tumblr app, and my camera. This is leading to relapsing over and over. By blocking the app store and my phone's camera (thank god this is an option), I hope to rebalance my brain and go through the withdrawals just like with Remeron. Then, when my brain is rebalanced, hopefully, I won't even crave porn ever again.

 

Day 6,

I woke up this morning oddly feeling good. Less depression and a more positive outlook. I attribute this to a few things.

First, last night was a wake up call. It scared me straight. I realized that I can’t get creepshot videos like the ones online without the girls knowing about it. I don’t know if they are using hidden cameras or something, but I’ve tried and I can’t replicate it. I’m not willing to risk criminal charges so for me it’s just not worth it. I also refuse to make these girls uncomfortable. If it’s harmless and I’m not hurting anybody, I’m cool with it. But if these girls feel unsafe I’m not cool with that. Also who knows what this behavior could escalate to if not unchecked.

Next, I posted a bunch last night. I was on nofap forums all night just posting and commenting. This has helped me immensely. It helps me put the pieces together and reflect on my addiction. I learned that I really should find a girlfriend based on something other than sex. Someone who makes me a better and more capable person. I don’t want to end up 35 or older, lonely, and hooked on porn because I was too picky finding a partner.

Lastly, I had a bit of a breakthrough this morning. I masturbated without porn and felt great. It immediately quelled my urge. I went back to sleep and when I woke up an hour later, I wasn’t even horny. I said you know what, I should probably just rub one out again just to be safe and really quell my urges. So I did that and it was a great idea. No porn just masturbation. The lesson I learned is that while on this steroid cycle my sex drive is super high. Honestly, I might just need to be diligent about cleaning the pipes to keep my sex drive at bay. If I let my sex drive build too much, I will lose self control and relapse. My new game plan is to stay on top of things and clean the pipes as much as possible to try and keep my sex drive honest. Especially without a sexual partner, this becomes even more important. Furthermore, my sex drive is super high even off steroids. It always has been. This is a realization for me as well. I may just need to stay on top of things through masturbation. Ideally I would be getting regular sex. But for now masturbation will have to do.

So, to start the day, no porn thus far, we’ll see how tonight goes. Hopefully this is day 1 of the streak.

 

Day 6 continued,

So I went to work and was feeling pretty good, in control of my life. I was starting to put all of this behind me and move on.

Then, my coworker asks me, “we’re you at the mall yesterday? I said yes, did you see me there? She said no, my friend Bethany thought she saw you there.”

My heart dropped like a stone. I broke out in sweat. I’ve felt like death ever since that moment.

This coworker of mine is a girl I was dating recently. I screwed it up like an idiot when I should have made her my girlfriend. I tried to make her a fuck buddy and she eventually dumped me and wasn’t having it. She hasn’t showed interest since.

I was hoping to get back with her, but now, my slim chances look even slimmer. Who knows what her friend told her. I mean, did she see me walking around looking like a creep? Bugging out and shit? I hope to god no but honestly, who knows. I was acting out pretty bad last night. My worst yet. It was bad enough to scare me straight but now with this, I’m scared shitless. I’m literally never going to the mall or target, or anywhere for that matter again. Fuck that shit. I’m not ruining my life over this shit.

I hope to god I just looked like a normal guy walking around and she didn’t see anything weird. Hope to fucking god. Regardless, I literally feel like death. This is my worst nightmare come true. The girl I want to be with potentially finding out about this shit.

I need to get my shit together. It’s not even an option anymore.

 

Day 6 Part 3,

So I got home from work. No urges whatsoever. My sex drive is kind of shot right now. I'm not sure why. It could be hormones, it could be from being traumatized, or it could be from just being so over porn and sexual thoughts that I just don't crave it.

I went to a block party in my town with my parents. There were a lot of young hot girls around but none of them dressed like complete sluts. Regardless, I wasn't bugging out as much and I kept my eyes to myself. I just wasn't interested, which was great.

I just got home. It's looking like today is going to be day number 1 of my streak. This feels like a great accomplishment for me. I hope I can keep it together.

 

My goals are to look good and attract girls. Have the hollywood physique. Essentially my goal is to incline bench 260x8, overhead press 180x8, and bicep curl 140x8. All with a 34 inch waist or lower. I think I’d be satisfied with this physique.

I do powerlifting so basically low volume high intensity. Make sure to hit a PR with every workout. My favorite program to follow is the Greek god program by Greg ogallager from kinobody.com. It’s a 3 day split with 2 workouts a and b alternating.

I wouldn’t say it takes more effort on roids it’s a lot easier I’m just saying to look like a god they won’t just do it for you. But compared to natural there is no comparison. Nobody wants to admit that without great genetics you simply won’t look like a bodybuilder or an actor without roids. Also nobody admits that 90% of actors, bodybuilders, and social media stars are on roids in addition to great genetics. I plateaud at some pretty pathetic levels of strength and I did literally everything to break them but couldn’t without gear. I tracked every meal and every workout for literally years. Never missed a meal, never missed a workout. I even bought fractional plates weighing as little as 1/4 pound to break plateau and still couldn’t do it.