My Introduction

Hello everyone,

I have been a member of NoFap for a number of months now, however I have not formally introduced myself nor have I journaled using this site. I am a 22 year old male and my NoFap journey began in October 2022 when I realized that I was addicted to pornography. I didn't see it as something that affected my day to day life, nor did I think I was addicted to it at the time, it was just something I did in the evenings to feel good. The reason that I began my journey to discontinue porn use, was because I wanted to be in full control of my life. I had relationships fail because I "just did what others wanted me to do." I was vaping, drinking, occasionally using marijuana, and spent a large number of hours of the day on social media. I was letting these things run my life, I wasn't in control and I didn't really care about the damage these things were causing in my life. I started to care less and less about my schooling and other important aspects of my life, and my grades in University took a nose dive. There came a point where I was so mad at myself because if I continued to not care. I would end up just like the people I had surrounded myself with, I could get myself into more danger, people would see me as weak, just another guy doing what everyone else is doing. This set me off, and this is not how I wanted to be seen and not how I want to be seen to this day. I suffered from severe withdrawal for just over 4 months following the last time I viewed pornography. I had the worst anxiety I had ever experienced, I experienced a panic attack and came close to experiencing more panic attacks during this period. I thought that the urges that I was getting to watch pornography and masturbate following my abstinence, were natural and that I was simply "horny". But the urges were unbelievably strong, just to cause a surge in dopamine. I did not give way to these urges, and within 3 weeks, I had a panic attack and the symptoms of pornography addiction withdrawal became evident to me. While I was using pornography I believe that I had desensitized my brain's reward pathway so deeply to the point where nothing truly gave me deep joy and pleasure, and that I did not even truly experience emotion as someone with a sensitized reward pathway would. Since October of 2022 I have not viewed any pornography whatsoever, vowing to myself to never do this again or I would suffer the consequences as I had once done already. However, now being "clean" for over a year I feel that my dopamine reward pathway has become sensitized again, and this has brought about its own set of challenges. Things that were not once pleasureful to me such as exercise or social interaction, now cause me to experience deep joy and pleasure. When I finish a long run for example, I feel almost euphoric, as commonly referred to as a "runners high". I love to hang out with new friends I have made at school, and I feel really compelled to form deep relationships with these people and I find deep joy in interacting with them. The danger I have found is this; things that were negatively influencing my health and were not overly pleasureful during the period that I was watching pornography, would now be extremely pleasureful to me if I was exposed to them, as my reward pathway has become sensitized once again. I had to stop talking to many people in my old life that posed a danger to my wellbeing because they still vape, smoke, watch pornography, party, and even use hard drugs. I had to remove these people from my life to remove the possibility of getting exposed to these harmful activities through them.

I am on NoFap now because when I vowed to quit viewing pornpgraphy, I couldn't simultaneously tackle abstaining from masturbation. Now, I feel that even masturbation has a profound impact on my life. Following masturbating, I have a heightened level of anxiety, depression, and lack of drive and ambition. I am most concerned for the lack of ambition that I feel after I masturbate because its almost like my brain says "who cares, do what you want." And this feeling is strong. I am scared that I will fall into a pit of no ambition and even fall into old habits through my engagement in masturbation. This is what I am working through now. I feel like I have not experienced deep joy and pleasure in a very long time, and because of this I have not developed strong self control mechanisms, because I have not had to. I am feeling emotions that I did not know I could even experience following my abstinence of pornography, and it feels like I have to re-learn who I am and how different things affect me. The reason that I masturbate is because it feels very pleasurable, and there is a constant urge nagging at me to do it just to feel good. I believe that these urges are a result of my prior addiction, my brain always reminding me of the pathway to pleasure, which is a habituated response. Now that I feel true pleasure, my brain thinks I have some dopamine to burn and to do masturbate to feel good as a treat. However, I am realizing this is not ok for me, and that the lack of ambition that this causes me may pose a serious threat to my future self as it may lead me to old habits and activities that negatively influence my health and well being, pull me away from growing as a person and completing achievements, reduce my drive to experience the world and my ability to control myself. I recently just completed a 28 day streak of not masturbating or orgasming at all. Writing this out makes it seem ridiculous that I don't have control over this, and this is something that has been a part of my life for so long. Nonetheless, my goal here is to abstain from masturbation for 60 days (February 4th). I know that I have the strength and willpower to abstain for 30, however I slipped and made a mistake. This journey is not just about abstaining for 60 days. It is about envisioning a life in all of its aspects that allow me to live a life I believe to be morally correct and contain deep joy. A world that gives me pleasure through the mere participation of what it has to offer, and one that I do not need to gain pleasure through activities that negatively influence my health and well-being.

I know this was a very long introduction thread, maybe even longer than what most people write, but I take this matter very seriously, and I greatly appreciate you for reading through it in its entirety. I will be creating a journal thread that allows me to pour my thoughts, emotions, and experiences into text and better organize them, to track my progress, to share with members of the forum, and to help give bring to action a life that I want to build for myself. I will stay strong, I will reach day 60, for those who have invested so much time, love, and money into me. With this, thank you for reading, and I wish the best of luck to everyone as you embark on your journeys and get ever closer to the person you have sought out to be.