Hi, my bf has told me that he has been watching porn since he was a teenager until now ( he is 31), the first time he told me this I was shocked, I felt so sad, like my body was not good enough for him, I told him that and he said that that has nothing to do with me or how I look, I told him that I did not like what he was doing and I wanted him to stop and he told me he wanted to quit but it is hard, everytime I thought about it, it hurt. We are in a long distance relationship (almost 2 years) we visit each other every 3-5 months. Last time I saw him was for 2 months, we were living in the same place ( he told me about his porn addiction long before that) , we were going fine, I asked him if he was watching porn during the time I had had been there and he said NO, then I did something bad, I went through his phone and I found a few porn open tabs, it destroyed me, he lied to me, I told him what I found and he said that sometimes he felt the urge to watch it, and he has been doing better over the past months that I should be supporting him not judging him because it is hard for him to overcome this addiction, and I started to seek more information about this whole porn addiction and there are some things maybe you guys can help me. I am trying to be supportive for him but 1 I do not know if he is trying his best to overcome it, I think I will never know also I have a higher sexual drive than him which when we were together was an issue and I am scared it might be because he has been masturbating while I was there and that breaks me. I love that guy and I truly want that he can overcome this addiction, sometimes I ask how he has been doing regarding to the consumption of porn but I do not want to do it too much, I do not want to become a control freak I suggested him to go to therapy and he denied it, he is an introvert, does not have many friends. Please, what can I do to be more supportive? or any tips or suggestion I know he cares about me deeply but sometimes I am afraid this addiction will break us eventually.
One thing to remember is that he is addicted to the high from porn not the girls., its about dopamin stimulation. Like a drug. Its not really different to drug or alcohol abuse but its much harder to talk openly about. I could easiely talk about drugs or alchol abuse to a therapist but masturbation and porn feels very shameful to talk about. Especially for guys i think. I dont have a GF but what would help is continued posetiv support. Its good you have come here to learn more. It would be good for him to also learn how bad porn is. You could continue to learn more and show and tell him about it. Try to convince him but not pushing to hard, always in a posetive way.
first - him not meeting you at your sexual needs is likely because of his addiction to porn. Hes getting some of those needs artificially met and its screwing up the relationship. a high sex drive is usually a dream scenario with a partner, so dont feel bad for that. most importantly, is that he needs to want this for himself. If he wont go to therapy or join nofap than theres not much you can do.... I mean therapy didnt help me (most therapists have problems with PMO too) but this place sure has. hes got to want this for himself. If youre supporting him and giving him tools and options, that is more than 99% of us guys here have. if hes not showing *tangible* steps of improvement, it might be time to look elsewhere. and as others say - this has nothing to do with you or your attractiveness or anything else. This is a heavy addiction that is ingrained in us as young boys and teens by a multi-trillion dollar industry designed to slowly kill us and make us into dopamine consumer drones. its really not you.
It's a troubling sign that you're the one here asking for help, and not him. He can wish, hope, and "buckle down" all he wants--but as long as he tries to overcome his addiction by himself, purely through his own willpower, he is virtually doomed to failure. Every addict needs some outside assistance, whether it's an intervention, time in a treatment facility where they literally don't have access to their drug, or severe, 'rock-bottom' consequences (like getting arrested) before they truly start to seek help. Your boyfriend has the opportunity to seek out help before things get even worse. My first question to your boyfriend would be: "Okay, you hate this addiction and you want to overcome it. What filters or blockers have you put on your phone?" ... because it sounds to me like the answer would be "none." A filter is one of those external forces that can help an addict get some traction. If a porn addict doesn't have some kind of restrictions on his phone, I find it hard to believe that they have much desire to overcome it. "But I need to be my own filter, you see ... I don't want to depend on a crutch for my sobriety," they often say. But addicts are incapable of being their own filters--that's why they become addicts. Again, trying to do this without some type of external influence is next to impossible. Do you guys live in a major city? Most major cities have Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings where he could be welcomed and share about this issue. Men in SAA struggle with behaviors all over the map, but almost all of them can relate to having a porn addiction. It's hard to understate how powerful it is to sit in a room full of guys who truly understand, and who will accept you without shame. Shame is a huge part of this addiction, so it's really important to push back against that, and meetings are amazing for that. Isolation is also a big underlying trigger--you say he's an introvert without many friends? Then I'd definitely encourage him to attend a meeting and start making some new friends who understand this issue and can talk with him about it in a way that's constructive. But in the end, he's the one who needs to lead his own recovery. If you're the one doing the research--if you're the one saying "hey babe how about this SAA meeting at 12:00pm on Tuesday," or "I bought this book for you that I think can really help,"--then that's not going to work. He needs to be the one taking the reigns of his own healing. Now, for your own mental health, you have to decide how much you're willing to tolerate. Can you forgive some lying, knowing that this addiction carries a ton of shame and that addicts are likely to lie about it? Can you trust that his addiction is about his hijacked brain chemistry, and not because you aren't hot or sexy enough? How much effort do you need to see him putting into his recovery in order to stay with him? These are all important questions for you to ask yourself. If his porn use is an issue for you, then he needs to be making some practical, tangible changes or effort in order to keep you in the relationship. It can't just be "I'm trying harder now." Trying harder has never been a reliable solution. There have to be meaningful steps that illustrate a clear intention to get better.
This is an extremely difficult situation you're in and I'm sorry that you're in it. First off, know that this is NOT about you. It never has been and it never will be. This is a HIM problem. Porn is a problem, obviously, but its not THE problem. Almost always, with porn addicts, the addiction stems from something else. Its a result of rejection, abuse of some kind, or some kind of trauma endured. Second, I would say that for most people in a situation like yours, no, he cannot be trusted. I say that mainly for two reasons: 1.) You say he refuses therapy, and 2.) he said he didn't look at porn at you found out that was an absolute lie. If he really wants to stop, he'd already be in therapy before you even knew anything about it. I'm in genuine recovery, and unfortunately, it took my wife several years of enduring my lies and deceit to get truly serious about quitting porn. I'm so sorry if this is harsh or painful to read, but I'm just telling you the truth as I see it. I hope he wises up and sees you for the amazing gift your relationship together could be.
