Married man trying to find his sexual self

Day 37 since I started to count. We're still going. We just moved to Barcelona (well, still getting settled). Obviously she was annoyed, but "expected it to happen". There are trust issues (how could there not be any), but I am still the love of her life, and I am still her best friend. We will go on and see where we end up. She wants to help me as much as she can and I am endlessly thankful for it.

I understand porn addiction is not just sex related. It's so much more on the "inside". Thoughts, behavior, perspectives, comprehension, empathy. It's way more than I ever imagined.

But here we go. Each day means progress. I am just worried that I will never actually see/feel sex drive and become a "real man". By that I mean having self confidence, changing my behavior, growing up, AND having sex drive. It's not about sex itself, it's about "feeling right". And I am definitely lacking that. I cry for no reason, I am extremely jealous, I get aggressive at times, I have no patience, but I have all the anxiety and fears in the world (and low self-esteem, too).

No idea WHEN it will change. I'll just go on. We are now in Spain and I will have more time soon to be on my own, learn things, work out, meet people, learn a new language, maybe teach a language...simply doing different things. I hope it helps, even if it's only distraction.

 

Day 40. Mixed feelings. Our agreement going live. Crisis.

So the last 24h were pretty intense. My wife met with a guy to have a drink. We agreed beforehand she would share her location and be back at 23:30. Obviously things turned out to be different. She was late and forgot to share her location with me. She also stayed ~2h longer and went with the guy to his apartment where he had wild sex with her (think handcuffs, collar, spanking etc). That's what she told me today (the next day). However, during that time she thought it was a good idea to tell me she was "in a bar" and "waiting for the taxi". I could not tolerate those obvious lies and asked myself "why not just tell me if we got the agreement anyways"? I cried a ton due to those lies (not because of her being with him interestingly).

She said the sex with this guy was bad. He had like a program he likely repeats daily with other girls. It was wild, yes, but without any individualism or mutual pleasure. More like him using her as a toy. My wife wants sex, yes, but sex she enjoys and where she feels pleasure. It's not what happened in this case.

She came home crying and said "I am someone special, not some idiot from tinder who only wants sex. I know where I belong and where my heart is". I know exactly what she means.

A few hours later she basically raped me at 5 AM since sex gives her more energy (more so if she does not come). So we had sex at 5AM for the first time in weeks. I loved it even though it was nothing great.

It is actually quite hot knowing my hot wife to enjoy her body (when I can't) and then coming home to me and being excited to have sex with me. Not sure what it is, maybe just the routine being broken. Like a taboo. We both know she is not after "relationship material" or "love". She just wants pure pleasure.

Anyways, meanwhile I have my first date with another girl today. It's my first date ever, literally. I met my wife online and we never had actual dates until being officially together. Weird right? I am not even sure what to do. But my wife helps me in the process and is actually advising me what to write them...and what to talk about etc. This will be interesting. She wants me to get some experience, grow up and be more self-confident.

I also tried to go the gym today and get a personal trainer. But at 500€ a month I kindly declined. Will have to do it all myself then I guess. Just following the gym app and hoping for the best. Will also check facebook groups to see if I can join someone else in their gym routine or something like that.

 

She felt humilated/used in a sense that sex is not the same if it happens with a stranger vs. your husband. She says she did want sex and felt "intrigued" to give it a try with him, but in the end she could not relax and enjoy it as she always had thoughts in her head (guilt). Also she did not like that she was so "easy to convince" which made her feel even more hollow.

She says: "All the men are the same. They only want sex. You're the only one who loves me without wanting sex. In fact, you want me for everything I am, not for the sex with me."

She loves me endlessly (and so do I). It's just so frustrating for both of us. She wants good/meaningful sex (something Tinder cannot offer in the end) and I want to feel sexual desire and have good sex with my wife (who does not feel anything sexually for me).

Yes, she is confused and does not know whether she wants more meetings (more sex) or not (avoid bad feelings/guilt/giving me even more pain).

I loved it in the sense that it happened very surprisingly. I did not expect it and felt very excited. The sex itself was not great (I did not last long), but I still loved it in the end. For her, it's never enough. Not sure if it's the addiction or not, but she simply can't get excited for/by me. She gets wet sexting with other people, thinking about guys in Tinder or what not, but not with me.

1.80m, 70kg. Definitely more muscles. I have not understood a thing you just said there. I went to the gym quite often, but not with any sort of program. The gym I am subscribed to has an app which supposedly lets you pick your goals and gives you a program according to your goals. But I am not sure if it actually helps or not. Guess I'll just have to try.

OK, sorry. I feel like the whole problem is so widespread that the boundaries between addiction, recovery and real-life sex are a bit vague. I am also not sure if my addiction was only the escape valve of some much deeper issue within me. Not sure what exactly it would be. But I feel like I simply don't know how to "treat women" and went for porn as the "alternative". So in a way, my addiction and the real-life sex issues with my wife are deeply connected I would say. I can't overcome the addiction on the one side without knowing "how to have sex or at least have sexual desire" on the other. I think I need to tackle both.

None at all. There have been a lot of triggers (work stress, wife meeting other guys to have sex, bureaucracy stress, financial stress, etc), but I understand porn is not a solution, but yet another form of stress to my body. I don't want it ever again in my life. I don't want my counter to start from 0 again. We are now at day 44 (which is quite something for me). I don't want to lose my progress, even if it may not be much.

Today I had morning wood while hugging my wife. I had the urge to take of her pants and show her "who she belongs to". Issue is our little daughter was sleeping with us in the same bed. Another issue is my wife is impossible to get wet by me. So even if I wanted to, there is just no way for me to have sex with her without either her using her toys or me applying tons of lube. Both isn't really spontaneous. In the end I just got up and wrote to you guys. Disappointing, feeling incompenent, impotance.

 

52 days in.

OK, now if I am getting too explicit here, just let me know. I want to give you a brief update.

1) My wife went with another dude again (10 yrs older, more experienced, skilled, very kind to her). They had sex 4 times in about 2 hours and my wife actually came in the 4th round. Why am I telling you this? Because it means that she is simply very difficult to please (needs a lot of effort/time/skill/technique). She did not have a proper orgasm in YEARS and still needed about 2 hours. This makes me feel less bad about my performance, even though I hardly have any stamina whatsoever.
2) Regarding myself I have more libido now. In fact I woke up at 4AM and had this weird feeling of being awake 100% and just could not sleep. I was right next to my wife and was excited "for no reason".

Spoiler: Potential trigger

In the end, I basically raped her (now this is the wrong term since she is fine with it but you get the idea). I managed to make her wet enough with my hands (while she was asleep) to find my way in and have a bit of fun.

She did not wake up and did not even know anything when she woke up. I must add that she takes medication which makes her very sleepy.
3) My wife and I found a much younger (11 years) girl for me who seems to be interested in me. So maybe I can get some more experience as well and have a bit of distraction, too. Remember, my wife and I both agreed it's fine to meet other people. I am not yet sure if I will have any closer contact to that girl or not, but my wife says her "signs" are too obvious. And I admit, they are pretty obvious. It's just a bit strange since I have no experience in this regard and find it all a bit "vague". But time will tell.
4) My wife and I also found some new fire in the sense that she agreed that we both "must live our lives". So apart from seeing other people, it's also about trying new things, or making experiments.

Spoiler: Potential trigger

So what we'll try is anal.

It's been a phantasy of mine for ages but my wife was never into it (mainly because it's "dirty" and because she has issues about her self-esteem and her body without any reason whatsoever). But now she wants to do experiments too and we are very intimate (obviously, after 10 years). So we both want to try that and see if we like it. I definitely fancy the idea, but I am not sure about her. Maybe it's a way I can get more libido/erections (just thinking about it is hot), but in the end it's not a one-way-street. She has to enjoy it, too. Otherwise it makes no sense. Again, time will tell. We won't know only after a few attempts I guess.

Summary: I am in a much better shape than before. I have not watched any porn. I am in two therapies (sexologist + psycho), my wife and I experiment a bit more (even though the sex itself is very short and bad), we both enjoy our lives by seeing other people and enjoying ourselves, and we both figured out (more so me) that nothing is affecting our love and internal connection. We're far beyond a normal couple/relationship. It's on a whole different level. It's a bit like best friends, but being married and loving it when the other achieves something. I think that is the purest form of love there can be.