Looking to find inner peace

Hi all,

I'm a brand new fapstronaut looking to better myself by ridding myself of porn. In order to do that, I realize that I need support. I'm hoping to find that here in this community.

To start, I admit fully I am a porn addict and that I need help.

I'm going to write my story out in full here since I think it will be good for me. I'll provide a TL;DR at the bottom.

I was in my mid-teens when I began watching porn, once per week on the late night movie channels. After my family got high-speed internet, my porn use escalated to multiple times a week. After I started university, I would watch several times per day.

My wife and I met in our first year of university, and we hit it off pretty quick. We had talked about sex, masturbation, and porn a bit. Off the bat I lied about using porn, and swore to myself I would just quick cold turkey. I didn't need porn as I had a girlfriend.

Fast forward a few months, I found myself looking at porn and masturbating on occasion, even though my wife and I were having quite a good sexual relationship.

This carried on for a few years in secret, me secretly watching a little bit of porn and masturbating. I tried on several occasions to quit with some success, but found myself back in the habit eventually. I felt bad for lying about it, but I found myself justifying it in that "she just has uptight views on porn", "what does a little bit hurt?", and other reasons like that.

After university, we both attended different institutions for two years (her program of choice was in a different city than the program I was accepted into, so we had to be long distance for a while). It was during this time that my porn use got a bit worse, and I tried quitting again several times with not success. After several months, I became somewhat depressed and deeply concerned about my porn use. My use wasn't to the extent where I suffered PIED or other negative symptoms, but I found that I could not control my urges and could not quit porn.

I talked with a free therapist for a few sessions at the university about my problem, and he discussed with me some of the courses of action I should take. I ended up breaking down crying in his office because the pressure of lying to my wife finally got to me. I don't know what is wrong with me that made me lie for so long and not feel that bad, but I finally hit the point where I knew I loved my wife fully and was disgusted with myself for lying for so long.

I told her about my addiction and started doing some research on it. I found a few resources about quitting, and started on the path to recovery. I had a good long stint without porn use, and was honest with my wife and told her when I had masturbated to keep myself accountable.

However, this little dream ended and I began using porn on occasion (once per week, give or take), even after my wife moved in with me after finishing her program. For some reason, my mind started justifying it as "what can a little porn use do?" Turns out, quite a bit, as I was lying to my wife again and not feeling that bad about it.

Since then, I've talked with again two times on my porn use again, coming out to her that I was lying and crying like crazy. I don't know what it is, but my mind seems to continue to jump back to porn. What gets me the most is the lying, and I feel incredibly guilty and ashamed for treating my wife like this.

The reason I'm here posting on this forum now is because of the last time I talked with my wife and came clean to her again (last night). I had some urges a few days ago and had masturbated to them with porn. My wife had asked me about it, and I said I had masturbated. (we have a standing agreement that I can masturbate a bit without porn use while she is unable to have sex for medical reasons, but that I should tell her about it beforehand. I completely agree this is the best course of action under the current circumstances). I can't remember exactly what was said after, but I felt very guilty and ashamed of lying to her about the porn. I got to wondering how I could so easily just lie about it, and that bothered me. I got quite emotional with myself, and started debating the best course of action: continue lying? tell her the truth? seek help for my problem in secret?

I initially chose option three and started looking for a support group online. I knew I should talk with my wife, but I was so scared and ashamed. After looking online for a bit, I came across NoFap and started reading through the preparatory material. I was curious what the panic button generated, and found the Ted talk on cold showers. It was that talk that actually helped me work up the courage to talk with my wife about my continued porn use, to help me overcome my selfish feelings to wanting to do this without her. I cried and felt like garbage, but she just hugged me and told me we would work though this.

And now I am here.

I realize my story is quite long, and could be shortened. However, I think I need to get this all out there to be completely honest with this group, with myself, and with my wife. I am a porn addict, I have been selfish and a jerk for lying about this, and I know that I need help to do this.

I am planning to start a NoFap challenge soon, and am technically already three days into a "hard-mode" challenge. However, I need to plan this a bit more, particularly: finding some positive habits and hobbies to build; learn to recognize my triggers; have a plan for when my urges are quite strong, and when I have a bad day; learn more about the formation of habits (so the new, good ones can stick); and, find an accountability partner.

I plan to start a journal on here regarding my NoFap journey and will outline my plan. I am a man of math and science, so I plan to set some specific milestones and quantifiable way of measuring success.

Thank you for reading. I look forward to working with everyone in this community. Please message me if your interested in an accountability partner, or know of a math/physics savvy accountability.

TL;DR: I lied to my wife about my porn use, came out to her about it several times, fell into the old porn trap again and again, and am here now because enough is enough: I need to fix this and stop lying to my wife.

 

Thank you for the encouragement, and the link. I'll take a look through it when I am not so tired.

 

Thank you for the encouragement. I'll probably get in touch when things start to get a bit dicier on my end.

 

Good to see you are here. Definitely need the support in this journey.

My journal is right here if your interested in keeping tabs: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/journal-for-this-old-soul.86601/#post-697379