Long time fapper looking toward recovery

Hi, everyone. I don't remember where I heard about NoFap, but it was pretty recent, and came at the right time. I'm a long time fapper, about 30 years now (started early with the Sears catalog). I didn't notice a problem until my early 20's, during my first relationship that lasted more than a year. About a year into that relationship, I just lost interest in sex with my girlfriend. In retrospect, I guess it wasn't that sudden, there was a gradual decline in my sexual arousal with her. In the 15 or so years since then, I've had a few long term relationship that followed the same pattern. The pattern has always been the same...I lose interest around a year in, and the woman puts up with me for a year or more with no sex, and then decides she needs to move on. Heh...I've had girlfriends that openly wondered if maybe I was gay, and my feeling has always been that I wish THAT was my problem (I don't mean being gay is a problem, but if simply coming out of the closet was all I needed to do, I feel like it would be easier).

I recently celebrated my third anniversary with my current girlfriend. I don't think we've even attempted sex for at least 18 months. I love her, and when she stopped ignoring the elephant in the room, I agreed to get help. That was about 6 months ago. I knew my problem was PMO, but I would openly only admit to depression. So I saw a therapist, and for the first time in my life revealed my addiction to PMO to another human being. 3 weeks ago, after my therapist basically said, "This is going nowhere, you need to tell your girlfriend", I finally disclosed my problem to my girlfriend. I knew she wouldn't freak out about it, she enjoys porn (though she likes the storyline, not my ten second clips on a million sites on the internet). I had a fantasy that telling her would make me feel accountable and I'd stop cold turkey. Next day, PMO, then shame and self-hatred.

So I took my therapist's other advice. Attend SAA meetings. After my first meeting, I went on an 8 day streak of no PMO. Almost no urges, it was easy, and I felt great. I had more energy, I got things done around the house, got more exercise outside the house. Those 8 days were easy, and then one morning I woke up with a powerful urge for PMO. The day after my second meeting, I decided to look at porn, but not masturbate. That led to edging. By evening I had given in to PMO. I went on a week long binge (well, almost a week and a half at this point).

Yesterday was the worst. I wasted 2 hours on PMO and felt darker and more ashamed than ever. I spent the first half of the day in my right mind, and was sure I wouldn't give in. When the other part of me kicked in, I didn't even fight it. Same thing today, I simply gave in to PM. Before the O, though, something happened that very rarely happens. I guess part of it was overstimulation, but I got bored. I usually just keep going when that happens. In this case, my right mind poked its head in, and rather than ignore it, I simply closed all my browser windows, reopened Firefox, and looked for NoFap.org.

So I'm here. I've read some posts, watched some videos at yourbrainonporn, and I feel more inspired than ever. I look forward to participating in the group!