Leaving, at last...

Starchild5x · Aug 23, 2021

DesperateHousewife7 said: ↑

It’s been about 3 days since I’ve spoken to him about my suspicions, found out I was right that he’s still having ED for porn/masturbation reasons, and suggested he do a polygraph test. You can see my previous posts for more details on how that went, if you’re curious.

Now, after some time, he’s agreed to do the test, and he’s begging for ONE MORE chance. He says this time will be the last time and if he lies to me again, I can leave him. He said he’ll file for divorce himself if he does it again. He said I can give him random polygraph tests anytime I want to for the rest of my life. He says that this was the first time he tried to address the problem and fix it, but he made mistakes which he now will learn from and he will do it right this time and go back to his program and not leave until the CSAT clears him.

I am very conflicted.

A) Chances don’t work. I’ve given him probably about 10 chances now to really fix his fuck ups and work this out. I’m afraid that even if I do give him one more chance, I’m just setting him and myself up for failure because chances have historically failed us every time.

B) According to our agreed upon Boundaries and Consequences, point B says that the ONLY thing that will not be tolerated and will cause an immediate end to our relationship as husband and wife is lying. He agreed to these terms, and then he lied again. (Specifically, the last time I initiated sex 2 weeks ago after him showing zero interest in sex for about 2 weeks, he had ED and I straight up asked him if this is because he jerked off already, and he said no and grew irritated with me that I’m accusing him of that when he’s just nervous because it’s been a while, and then 3 days ago confessed that I was indeed right.) So, I feel like I have to now execute my end of that agreement. If chances don’t work, maybe consequences will? Although, we did separate in September for this very same reason for about 2 months before I let him back on the couch, and it clearly didn’t work.

C) I love him. I love every other aspect of our relationship, the family and life we’ve built, our friendship... I DO want for him to not be an addict and to not lie to me anymore and for us to flourish happily ever after. I DO NOT want to live the rest of my life dealing with the trauma of addiction, having to rely on polygraph tests, or any of the other bullshit and triggers I deal with on a daily basis as a result of HIS addiction. This addiction is not like alcohol or drugs- it’s something that is a personal attack against me as his wife/sex partner. It’s me choosing to live with an addiction that causes my husband to choose to get off to other women/his own hand rather than me every time I want sex and to feel desired. He can’t get it up, he’s already jerked off. Sorry.

But I can’t have both. I’ve tried. For almost 8 years now. So I have to choose, do I stay married to the man I love and sacrifice my mental freedom and the most intimate part of my marriage? Or do I sacrifice the man I love, the father of my babies, my very best friend, the person whose opinion I value more than anyone else’s, and the unity of my family, and my current lifestyle- in exchange for my mental freedom from this addiction and potential future opportunity of a different kind of relationship?

Damn. I have 100 people telling me to choose option 2, and 1 person (the addict I love) telling me to choose option 1- and why am I more inclined to option 1?!?!

I wish I didn’t have to be the one to make these decisions.
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Because it hurts so much xx

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Leaving, at last...

Starchild5x Fapstronaut