Journal: Triggers, potential relapse signs & common patterns, hocd, pocd

August 28th, 2023

Introduction of this thread: When I have urges, or feel like just giving in even though I know I should not, I’ll prob make notes here and there of the environment, my emotions, recent patterns, the toxic cycle, how long since last time I pmo’d, triggers etc. The more I add on, the more those things to work on, and stay away from will be even more clearer, for example: what device is always used, where, what triggers led to pmo’ing, was the source of material linked to the triggers, how do you feel after? Those type of things

It’s been 15 hours since the last pmo session. Hopefully that was the last time I’ll ever intentionally seek pornography out. I intend to follow through with my word, although I’m aware relapses/slips are always possible no matter who you are, no matter where on your journey you are. That choice depends on your actions and if you’re really gonna stick by what you say or not. It’s easy to give in and lose control, but it takes perseverance, discipline, delayed gratification, forgiveness, humilty and pure intentions to do what’s better long term for you and others.

 

8/23/2023

Loneliness:
So far, I’ve never been in a relationship yet, or on a date ever. Last time I “talked” or flirted with a girl, I was still in highschool, and I was around 16-17 years old. Truly I desire intimacy, love, and a genuine true connection with a real woman. Not just physically, but also emotionally, mentally, spiritually. To laugh, share, love, experience, and grow through all the ups and downs together. I want to be able to take care of her, protect her, provide for her, be vulnerable with.

I understand before anything external in this context can happen (ie: relationship, marriage, etc) one must first begin to build up and forge that internal love with themselves. Self-love, and self-care in a non-selfish way, will in turn benefit all your relationships, allowing them to blossom and flourish to a level you thought was not even attainable. I’m not there yet, but obviously working on it.

I’ve said this quote so many times, because of how true it is: “We are all works in progress, and the learning never stops”.
^ Maybe I should be a little more easy on myself, hold more self compassion. I should really stop seeking mostly unrealistic expectations of myself and others, and stop trying achieve “perfection” for everything.
- I digress -

Anyways, I also feel like I haven’t met the right girl yet, but I also have not been putting myself out there or trying fully. Reason being is: social anxiety (elevated from pmo addiction),
lack of experience and “game”, and at this stage of my recovery journey I feel like a disgusting, perverted, deviant, weak, selfish piece of shit who needs to get himself together first (Quit PMO first atleast) before even thinking about bringing a girl into my life. Think about it, it’s not just her entering my life, it’d be vice versa as well. This “addiction” can NOT enter into any relationship. It’s destructive, toxic, and doesn’t allign with monogamy, or natural sexuality imo. Porn is pixels, it’s toxic. To me, sex without love is just not worth experiencing.

Whenever I truly feel healthier and more grounded, I feel like i’ll be divinely guided towards her. In God’s timing when we are both truly ready, whenever that may be.

Btw, when I say guided towards each other , I know that probably doesn’t mean I’m gonna wake up one day, see her knocking on my door, and boom, happily ever after. That’s not how it happens usually, but maybe for some people it has happened like that A lot of work must be done, stepping out of comfort zone, taking action, initiative, being vulnerable, I understand that. Just clarifying in case someone misinterprets my perspective.

Other triggers rn:
- Phone in bedroom
- Tired after a busy, long day at work
- Wearing boxers only
- Alone in my bed, under the blanket
- It’s gloomy, depressing and dark out, like it’s about to rain with thunder
- All my lights are off, so my room’s very dark
- Depressed and guilty over my last relapse
- “Horny”, thinking about the 2 “p-stars” I searched up last night, and how beautiful, attractive, sexy and alluring they looked.
- Chaser Effect
- I do NOT want to watch porn anymore, but I have urges which make me feel like I do, but I know it’s the addiction and it’s conflicting.

 

9/1/23
Just reset my counter, although I didnt PMO, or MO. Reason for the reset is because for the past two nights, I’ve been getting up in the middle of the night, and touching myself while mostly soft still and half-asleep LOL. I guess some people call that edging. I’m talking bout each time being less than 1min-30 seconds, but it’s still a reset in my books.

Doesn’t mean all my progress gained is gone, but it goes against the hard-mode rules I set, so it is what it is.

I see nofap as a lifestyle, a commitment for life. But the hardmode aspect I’m choosing to do until I meet the right girl, whenever that may be. Orgasm and intimacy with a real woman is natural and acceptable for me.

But when it comes to P, that’s a forever no-no
On the other hand, for Masturbation it’s hard to say I’ll never do it, but tbh I see it as unfulfilling, pointless, and not that pleasurable. Leaves me feeling like a lil bitch
—
Other comments: When I play video games I see sexualized characters too much, and have noticed myself staring for too long

When on social media I’ve unintentionally seen and stumbled upon sexualized, borderline pornography related posts and have looked too long as well

^ Same thing happen in real life. It’s like lust-goggles are on and I objectify/sexualize too much to the point where it’s unwanted and bothers me, causing distress because I then feel like a creep :/
___
Pocd comments:
I keep getting anxiety and intrusive thoughts when seeing teenagers, and even young girls I think. If I see someone who just looks nice, or cute, I’ll try to confirm if they’re old enough, and if they’re not I’ll feel anxious, panic, and feel disgusted because they could be under 18. It’s a compulsion to keep staring in order to figure out how old someone is, and it always ends with me feeling like shit, scared, panicking, and wondering why I just did that, or why I thought that.

For example I’ll be looking at a food menu on a glass window of a restaurant, and see that there’s a young girl (child or teen) on the other side sitting, Intrusive thoughts will try to say I’m looking at her, etc, when in reality all I did was notice someone sitting there…

It’s hard to tell what’s real and what isn’t, what thoughts are truly mine and what aren’t even when I KNOW I’m not the intrusive thoughts. Ocd is fucked.

I tell myself that anytime you notice a girl looks good, regardless if they’re a teen or child it doesn’t mean you’re attracted to them, it just means you can tell someone has nice features, hair, smile, genetics. and simply look “good” in a non-creepy, non-pedo, non-sexual way.

An unrelated example other people with pocd probably ruminate and experience is when someone just has a baby, and people say hey that baby’s so cute. Someone with pocd could panic and misinterpret that

tldr: Anytime I notice someone is good looking, cute, etc, regardless of their age or gender (POCD and HOCD spikes) trying to relate that to sexuality, arousal, and “attraction”. In reality, to me, true attraction and interest only applies when It involves a woman who’s an adult, aka 18 and up. 18 feels too young for me to engage with tho, and I’ve said it before that 3 years younger (20) is a more comfortable minimum age range.
——

Was taking a shit, brought my phone to the bathroom. Had urges to search up two “p-star” names. I didn’t do it, thankfully. But did start getting hard and my heartbeat started escalating the more I was thinking about them, their bodies, them in sexual scenarios. and looking up videos and images of them.

I successfully didn’t give in

 

9/1/23 2nd post

6:47pm: In washroom, have my phone with me, and had urges to search up another girl who’s involved with prn. She looks beautiful, but I’m not gonna give in.

It’s crazy & scary to think, that all it takes is one second to slip up up and go on auto-pilot mode, repeating the toxic cycle one more, leading to spirals of “just one more”, resulting in binges, escalating again, all which would drag you down even deeper…

btw I didn’t look anything up, just felt like posting it on here