Introduction

This is a crosspost from another thread regarding PAWs, but I think it would be worthwhile to introduce myself, and offer assistance to any others where I can.

Dear friends,

Checking in coming up to 5 months monk mode. I created an account as have lurked for sometime and wanted to share some experiences and get some advice from those further along the path.

Background - Im nearly 32 year old (male), started PMO when was 12-13. Watched porn via old VHS tapes etc, and although I masturbated daily through my life (avg. twice) never considered myself an issue with porn until around 28-29 years old - when started edging and watching it when high (cocaine) for hours etc. I definitely was a sex addict as well as porn and have slept with hundreds of girls (and prostitutes) over my time - I was a pretty big party animal in my 20's. Also from around 27+ had a pretty bad habitual (weekends - $3-500/week) cocaine habit - I'd stay awake from Friday-Monday and sleep with 2-3 girls, and watch hours and hours of porn. Through most of this thought I was just a young guy having fun!

After getting into meditation around 3-4 years ago as was pretty fed up with life - led me to the realization I had a problem with sex (and porn/cocaine) - which is insane how long it took me to realize this (a lot of my friends are still in to it)

I first attempted nofap in Novemeber 2018, and through the next 3 months, got to streaks of 35 days, I also slept with 7 girls during this time. Then in March, after doing a silent meditation retreat, I managed to get the resolve/insight/wisdom to stay strong up until now (coming up to 5 months).

I was always confident outgoing, and never had any real social anxiety until last few years, where in high pressure situations - meetings, presentations etc I'd get crippling anxiety for first time in my life.

Since starting nofap and giving up cocaine, alcohol etc (at the same time), I have experienced;

1) Crippling anxiety, namely social. Things like going to shop felt like having a panic attack. Seeing even family/close friends would make me feel panicky - I used to laugh at how crazy it was - it wasn't any conscious thoughts driving the anxiety, something in my brain/body didn't feel right which gave constant feeling of something 'going wrong'
2) In and out of feelings of crippling depression
3) Crazy crazy dreams and urges
4) HOCD coming and going
5) New extreme fantasies and urges for things I'd never had before
6) Constant throb/ache in front part of my brain around 1-2 inches from the front. Always a low throb/ache - but goes ballistic if even think about sex in anyway. Also to note - this same throb goes crazy when anxious also.
7) Sleep is terrible

I've had some of the craziest urges I think is humanly possible to experience; to go have sex, do cocaine, see a prostitute, sleep with a number of kinky girls that I have in the past, and managed to ride them all out by using the Dharma (teachings of the Buddha), and over 25 days in silent meditation retreat (vipassana).

Something tells me the ache/throb in brain, anxiety, and overall recovery are all interlinked - the day my brain stops aching is day Im probably recovered.

I will in due time make posts/videos regarding meditation/mindfulness and nofap, along with advice for the anxiety and depression that comes with it, and advice on how to cope.

We can use nofap to simply rewire our brains sexually or we can use it as one of the greatest gifts to make huge progress on the spiritual path. I suggest the latter.

I have gained a lot of insights into addictions/suffering over the past 3 years of meditation, especially so during my 25 days in intensive meditation retreat and handling withdrawls with mindfullness. I hope to share and assist what I've learnt, carry on my own progress into sobriety, and help any others whilst I can.

May we all find freedom from our suffering.