I realize when I am at work I am hyperfocus to my work and nothing exists. In weekends I don't have chill time like regular people. My mind is ultra hyperactive and I guess porn is the only thing that reduces the voices in my head to silence. Its the only thing that calms down my mind. During the week being busy with work I completely forget about porn. But instead my mind locks into work and I can go focus even for 4 5 hours and not move from my PC. Being off work or off porn. I have like 4 5 voices at once, I am observing everything around, I am thinking about past triggers, I am thinking about work. I realize now porn is not about sexuality and is not about getting high, my mind is speeding all the time. I am going 3 weeks no orgasm was 2 weeks hardmode but looked at the shit today. What I realize is that my mind is very hyperactive, regarding work and life. I saw couples last Friday and I do remember what is like to hang out(been loner for past 10 years), but it feels so boring to have a relationship, to.. walk, I think even sex is overrated. To make things worse, I feel like porn doesn't keep the pace with me. I don't know why I watched today, but is not intense as is used to be 2 years ago. To be honest I am thinking to get a bike, it seems fun. I am thinking to get into investing, I am thinking to get promoted, I just want to live my life like is no tomorrow. In reality I think I just wanna get high porn exists... But idk it doesn't fulfill me like 4 5 years ago. Its dull, it shuts off some of the voices. I don't even want women, relationships, love... I think I have ADHD, there is no way a normal person have this way of living I have.
I feel that. Finding ways to just disconnect and calm your mind can be a big help. I like to take a cup of coffee in the quiet of the morning and have no screens and just sit, hopefully with my bible. Because of the way your brain flags things as interesting, porn can scatter your thoughts to keep trying to find different highs. Dr. Trish Leigh has a couple of videos about this very topic. Maybe they can help you process the journey to recovery.
I’ve been diagnosed with ADD, and I was reminded today how medication did help, in a way. Regular exercise also helps. I think a bike would be a wise choice for you. Porn never fulfills. You just notice how it doesn’t because you’re looking for it.
I will update on this. Yesterday I was hyperactive with my mind. But today I went in the city, not for a solid reason, I just wanted to leave the house. In my mind I realize at the moment I don't want women or sex, there is an attraction to that feminine energy but I would not date. But I observe myself and I realize I am not normal, from 20 to 30 my self development went to trash, and is not because of porn. Also people seem more relaxed, calm and enjoying their life. I saw couples Friday and I realized how slow they live their life. Next day morning I checked porn.. it was boring, is like I am going to a party and I just wanna leave. It wasn't fullfilling or immersive, it was looking at things for no reason but at the same time triggering. Even if I am 32, I think I wanna just hold off with girls. I would like 6 months hardmode, but to feel natural and free from the filth. Secondly I think having a woman is not a goal, once I recover from what happened between 20 30 years old, like being more social, actually exposing myself around single women I am sure they will get me. I honestly lost interest in women, sex and porn feels boring. I am 21 days no orgasm tomorrow but I did peaked at porn however, once I don't peak I reset the counter but keep a second counter for no orgasm. The actual orgasm is really damaging for me. I am not 100% I have adhd but the entire male family tree I know had/have addictions.
