November 14th 2020. D-day. Since then, it's been staggered disclosures....Each one a reopening of a wound that just can't heal, each one a little more detailed, a little bit worse than the last, the wound still bleeding from the last injury. I could always FEEL there was something more. Everything I asked I was confronted with anger, stonewalled, or have everything twisted around to "why do I want to make him feel worse than he already did?" I had my boundaries, or what I thought were complete deal breakers. Maybe that's the real reason behind the staggered disclosures...to harden us from the harshness of reality. If we heard it all at one time, would we stay? COULD we stay? Now I sit and wonder, what is wrong with ME? Why am I still with this person who so blatantly disregarded the boundaries of our marriage? Who could partake in illegal activities and come home and act as if he had done nothing wrong and sleep like an angel with a clear mind? Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse... PMO in public bathrooms and on country roads, multiple times a week, fantasizing about my family and grown daughter, wanting and fantasizing about having sex with everyone, whether I was standing there or not... I find out.. He prays on women in busy parking lots, watching them, fantasizing about them, and MO'ing, right there in the parking lot where anyone could see him. Young, old, pregnant, fat..every single one of them. The worst though...children. My worst nightmare come true. He looks at nude adolescent females online, (he denies child porn) and MO's to fantasies with them. He denies this fantasy in real life, just when he's in "fantasy mode." So I say... what is wrong with ME that I'm still trying to help him? How far we fall. This addiction takes no prisoners. If you think you will never cross your own boundaries, think again, even if you are the partner of an addict. If you think it's not a big deal, that you aren't hurting anyone, think again. If you think you can do this on your own, think again. If you think your partner doesn't need to know your secrets, think again. Get help before you find yourself in a deep dark hole with what feels like no way out and you take everyone you love with you into the abyss. It's hard to find your way back out.
I think you're love is unbreakable for him. It seems like he has fallen in to a deep ditch and needs a little more help...Some times we need extra help in order to gain a sense of control and accomplishment. If it's in serious need of looking at the unthinkable such as child then there needs to be some action taken place. From you're post is this you're boyfriend? Some times we take a dive into a ditch or endless hole, but eventually we can climb back on and begin to strengthen our self's again. Once we begin to fall we become limb, but we can regain strength.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s a message we all need to hear. For me it’s another reminder, that it is never just PMO. Eventually PMO becomes flirting, texting, emotional and then physical affairs. And then reckoning that will ruin my sweet wife’s tender heart, make her question all the love she has for this world and for me, make her regret and question our good times. I’m sorry he did this to you. I’m sorry we do this to you.
This post makes me think there needs to be an Al-Anon equivalent for porn and sex addiction. I don't know what to say except that sometimes we need to heal separately, at least for a period of time. This is not suggesting the OP do anything but the needs are just different. Speaking of which it reminds me of a mens meeting I have not checked out yet...
I do love him, but it took me some time to realize that I love me too. I know the good loving parts of him, and I'll always love that part of him. I do not love the part of him that allows him to choose his addiction, his lust for others, his inability to control his need to participate in illegal activities, over what I thought was the perfect marriage and the one person who would've never hurt him. I carry this burden alone because who do I tell? Our mutual friends who also have young daughters? My female friends that my husband fantasizes about or worse yet, they tell my children's father and I lose my kids? Or if I talk to a counselor and because of being mandated by law, they report him for possible illegal pornography or I get into trouble for not reporting him myself? I don't eat. I don't sleep, and if I do, the nightmares keep me from getting sleep thats worth closing my eyes for. I go to work everyday and pretend all is fine. I've isolated myself from friends and family because literally every place we go is a trigger for me and him. Gas stations, grocery stores, swimming pools...not to mention our own home. I have no safe place or safe person to go to. I can't speak for others and how they feel, but prior to discovery, I was a confident, proud, and stable person with a bachelor's degree and on my 2nd year of graduate school. I was not insecure, I'm still not. I know my value. It's the double life that my spouse led that has damaged me. My husbands addiction literally brought me to my knees. I had no idea. The lies, so many on top of more lies, and the secrets. Sometimes I can't breath and i can feel my heart skipping beats, and I wonder how something that is so broken can still work. Sometimes I'm so consumed with rage that i can't move, but more often its the pain of his addiction that engulfs me and I feel like its going to swallow me whole. But I will prevail. And I will walk with my head held high again. Even if that means I have to do it alone, I will fight and win this battle. And I hope you, whether as the addict, or the partner, will as well.
If it’s gone down this road then maybe marriage counseling would be suitable. Factoring it’s not getting better, you two aren’t talking this threw a level of control and sustaining it. I know you want to protect him. I know you love him. But when it comes down going farther in the gutter a string has gotta be cut. You may not want to. But think how this could be in a year..
I just wanted to agree, it is hard to find your way out. Both for the addict and the betrayed partner. You need to focus on you. You need to determine what you need to be happy, healthy, and safe. You deserve that. His choices have put you in a position that you never wanted or asked for. Until he decides to get into recovery there is absolutely nothing you can do except make choices that are in your best interest. Loving him more won’t make him change. Have you tried Bloom for Women? Or BTR.org? Pure desire run by some churches usually has a group for betrayed partners. I know you said you’re afraid to divorce because he will get half, but consider the consequences if he commits a crime and you get sued civilly. Pm me if you’d like to talk.
@justaboutdone After reading this thread I'm honestly lost for words. I really don't know what to say. I'm truly sorry you're experiencing this, my heart is broken for you.
