Hi everyone, I come here to seek motivation and help in rebooting. I want to read stories of people who succeeded to try and learn something from their story. I was in a cycle of masturbating in the morning/evening in bed every day. I decided to change something so I studied NoFap a bit but I decided that I don't have time for using forums. I started nofap on my own and I went for 68 days until I relapsed on 27th of November 2023 and I can't keep it up for longer than a month from then... I made a vow unto myself to try and go past the 100 day mark in 2024 right now I'm on the 2nd day and going strong. I've installed porn blockers on every device I own. I want to share my story on why I ended up in this endless cycle and I hope it might help someone. I was born in the US but now I live in Poland. Because of that I have double citizenship which is quite unusual here. What makes me more outstanding is that I am 6'4"/193cm tall while weighing 210lbs/95kg and I am lean. Everyone in my friend group thinks that I have everything going good for me (can elaborate). But what the don't know is that I have so many masks for every occasion that I myself can't be sure who I really am. Most of people I've ever told about being from US asked me why am I in Poland. The answer is always quite simple: I was kind of kidnapped by my mother. Some of you might ask how but the explanation is simple. As always each summer she would go with me and my sister to visit her parents in Poland while my father would stay in US because his profession wouldn't let him go. While my dad's brother was supervising the construction of my dad's new house in Poland my mother planned on divorcing my father and living happily in Poland while he would be paying her high alimony. She took me and my sister to her parents place and we lived there for the summer time. But pops did something that is beyond respectable. He sold his very profitable business to come after her and live with us in Poland. He told her that he won't file a kidnapping report if she came with us to his new house. She did just that and took him to court for a divorce. Me and my sister were used as a weapon in their war. While my sister had a hobby of horse riding I was staying in home playing games or going out with friends to play football. Someday I was searching for something and I discovered porn. First I was curious of it but my 12yo brain decided that it's time to also discover masturbating. I did for the first time and started doing it more and more often like every time I went to bath I would do it quickly just to go out and act like nothing happened. It was tiring and awkward because I thought that my parents, teachers, friends or random people I meet knew that I was doing that. Sometime forward and I have my first serious crush. I think about her every now and then but I decided to do it to her picture... After that she ceased to be a person in my eyes but just a sexual object. I've never done it again with any girl I know or ever knew because how disgusting it felt. In 2018 as my parents divorce went on my mother decided to move away from my dad. I didn't think like that back then but she manipulated me and my sister into moving with her. While living with her I was allowed to do anything I wanted, there were no chores or family bike trips every sunday in the summer. My day looked like this: wake up, eat, go to school, school, come home, eat lunch, play games for the rest of the day while eating chips. My mother could afford to pay rent and buy me whatever I wanted to eat without working cause my dad was paying her 2000$ for each child monthly which is about 6x average polish salary. In that time came GTA roleplay which made me live a life in game not in reality. Not long after that came the Pandemic which made me spend more and more time living a life which I wouldn't ever had if I lived like that. Even with online classes I was barely able to make it from year to year almost always failing mathematics. All that time I was masturbating 2 or more times a day. In December 2021 while browsing YouTube I stumbled upon this bald black guy screaming something about boat crew two or carrying some boats. I thought to myself who the fuck is that guy and what makes YouTube think that I need to see him. I made some digging (literally typing who's gonna carry the boats in google) and found out about David Goggins. I watched more and more of his interviews or edits. YT began to promote more and more self improvement content to me which made me stumble across the infamous Tate brothers talking about father's role model. It made me curious if my lack of father figure for the last 3 years could have any bad consequences. After 10 minutes of researching the topic I discovered that most of my issues come from exactly that. After a month of thinking I made up my mind and I moved to my father in January of 2022. After half a year my grades improved drastically. I passed 3rd class with 7th best GPA in my class. Then came summer during which my dad took me to states so I could meet his friends from there and to show me what ways are opened to people with high education to motivate me to study. I met a few really highly educated millionaires who treated my like a normal person. It made me think about removing porn and masturbation from my life cause I stopped doing that for 2 weeks before going to states. I genuinely felt better without that. Now back to the story. My dad had to go back to Poland for a week because of some government related businesses. I was left in a foreign place. I went on to visit a few of my dads friends to talk about my parents relationship. I learned from them that my mother was always acting weird. She didn't want to learn English or get to know other polish people living in the states. I contemplated about my mother's behavior and I came to a conclusion that she had planned it long before going to US. After I came back to Poland I had to go on a apprenticeship from my school to learn my profession. Good thing for me is that the company I got to work for was about one hour way from my home. I had to be there everyday on 5.30 AM. I got a chance to train my discipline by getting up everyday on 3.45 AM doing 20 push-ups 20 sit-ups and eating something before leaving. I managed to do it for a whole month without any resistance from my body or mind. I also wasn't masturbating for that month. It lead me to discover that I tend to masturbate while I am bored. After that I got into really bad mood in October. I was contemplating suicide some days but decided that it's not the way to go. Also a friend I made in school in May/June the same year helped me by just being there for me. In the last week of October I joined a gym nearby and I was consistently going there. I lost 55lbs/25kgs, gained some muscle and more than doubled my bench press PR since then. My 4th year of school I ended with 2nd highest GPA in class. In the time period since February 2023 until July 2023 I've had my first gf. I was still masturbating daily then, while hoping for maybe losing my virginity to her but that didn't happen luckily cause she turned out to be mentally unstable and controlling. As of today I don't have a difficulty to get girls but I don't think of them as people but sexual objects which disgusts me. Right now I passed the 1st semester of my 5th year in technical school with the best GPA of all my classmates, exceeding the 2nd one by .3 points and class average by 1.5 GPA. Life feels good right now after not masturbating or watching porn for two days but I don't know what tomorrow will bring me. I wish you all to stand firm and believe in yourselves cause everything is possible as long as you're breathing. It's almost 12AM and it took me 2hrs to write this and I have school tomorrow. Goodnight and I hope we all will reach our goals and win the fights we don't talk about this year! Gail Lewis 10 year Walmart associate Illinois 844 signing out, goodnight As a proof I attach a picture of my passports.
