Hi Guys, I'm Melanie.Things didn't clear suddenly, just of nowhere, please help me to connect the dots. I'm presenting you the facts: - my husband was sexually abused as a child - his mother neglected his emotions and herself looks represents very sexual image as a woman - we've been married for 2 years, we have had sex maybe 10 times so far My biggest concerns: - I cought him masturbating a few times when I would never denied sex if he only wanted - his all devices are locked with passwords - he likes flirting - he has 2 personalities in one body - he ordered a stripper against my will - he cuts me off from his social life Finally i reached the rock bottom, I connected all the dosts. Without screaming I said to him I know the truth. Finally he admitted to his porn addiction. - He said he's gonna start the therapy when money will arrive (very soon should be) - He said he's not so into it anymore, just sometimes, he said he doesn't remember when was his last time. Is it even possible ? MY QUESTION IS: Can I believe to an addicted person? In his words? Without any help or any proffessionals help ?? Does addict who wants to really get out of this hell will talk to his family? Should he talk? Should he seek for proffessional help? I had a meeting with the sexuologist-psycologist - I'm already under the supervision, he's not. She told me if his finally aware of the problem I shouldn't force on him or even offer a therapy, it should come from himself only. The waiting period is 3 months. If he doesnt offer his initiative I should leave him. I just need your opinion on that. I appreciate that, love you all
You said he admitted to his porn addiction, so he's probably doing it more than he's suggesting. It doesn't sound like he's being totally upfront, open & honest with you about it which suggests he doesn't truly want to change yet at least. I say this based on what you've said ie you caught him masturbating a few times despite you wanting to have sex, locking devices with passwords, he likes flirting, having 2 personalities, ordering a stripper against your will & cutting you off from his social life. It's not necessary to talk to extended family about it but to his partner, you, yes. He knows you know now so it's not a secret, so yes you two should be talking about it. It's possible to get through this by yourselves working together but professional help may be needed. But before we get to that point of asking this question, you two need to be talking & communicating openly & honestly together about this. I recommend talking to him about how you feel about all this, how it's an issue for you & your marriage.. ask him if it's an issue for him & if he genuinely wants to change because he won't change unless he really wants to. If he wants to change it's gonna take some time to heal from his past or from his current ingrained habitual coping mechanisms, behaviour & attitude.
Hey Mel, Thanks for opening up. Wish you the best of luck regarding this. Anything I say, I hope to not be offensive, but bringing awareness around things. There's a lot here to uncover, and I'm confident there's a lot he's not telling you. And to be honest he (at this moment) doesn't sound like a great guy. Maybe he has the potential, but in a relationship - honesty and integrity is one of the most important things. And it sounds like he lacks that. If he was hiding this from you, he is hiding other things from you. Everyones sexual preferences are different, but 10 times during 2 years of marriage in my eyes is extremely low. Once again we are all different and I'm not to say what is right/wrong. But in my eyes a healthy relationship would consist more frequent, connecting sex than that. It sounds like you care a lot about him, and that's amazing. But YOU cannot change him. He must change for himself, and not for you. He must want this truly for himself. Liers will tell people what they want to hear. So who knows if hes actually telling the truth when he says hes going to quit or try to quit. He could be just telling you what you want to hear. Actions always speak louder than words. His actions will show truly. I am currently in a relationship and it's a truly amazing one. We never fight and when we don't agree on things we both find an amazing solution. She trusts me and I trust her, and I prove to her with my actions that I am the best man for her. If I don't show up, I worry she may leave me. If she doesn't show up, I will definitely leave her. We both have talked about this and the value of being the best versions of ourselves in our personal life and relationship life. Not everyone desires a relationship like this, but it's out there. A relationship where both people are growing, keeping each other accountable and becoming the best versions of ones self. As I grow, we grow, and our bond grows. I will not settle for anything less. Nor should she. I don't believe anyone should settle when it comes to relationship structure and relationship bond. So... My advice. "waiting for the money" is bullshit. the timing will NEVER be right. If this is important, you would start now. He should start putting an effort to quit TODAY. not tomorrow. TODAY. And he should find someone to keep him accountable or check into rehab. And while I'm not saying you should leave him (it's never that easy, nor is running the best idea) you do need to be thinking about if this person is the right one. If you know it's not a good fit, staying longer will only make things worse. Best of luck, -Cade
I'm going though my own reboot myself while in a marriage. Here's what I'm finding so far. You cannot change him. And if you are forceful he's just going to hide it from you more. I obviously don't know your complete story but I can definitely say that I have tried changing for my wife even when she didn't know I had a problem. I knew it was a problem but I couldn't do it to please my wife no matter how hard I tried because I don't think you can kick an addiction to please others. That's because I was ignoring the causes and triggers of the addicting behavior and they hit hardest when the addict is alone where I'm not accountable to others. I really think that the key and the only way for someone to identify they have a problem and to fix that problem is to do it themselves. I do wonder if there are ways to be very supportive of him through this. You can't just start out pointing out all his faults and things that need changed and expect a positive result. Instead I think it's important to work on the little things that cause these behaviors. Working on a deep emotional connection may help. Asking questions as to why he feels the way he does might as well. I think these can be very sensitive subjects and people will often put up walls as a defense mechanism to protect their psyche so starting with things that don't threaten his emotional state may be a good start. In time I think that will show him that you are a safe place for him to confide in. I think it's important to keep that in mind, don't be pushy just be loving, reassuring and understanding. Unfortunately I think there is a strong possibility that things will take a very long time to result in an outcome that you find favorite. I've been battling this for on over 2 years since telling my wife and have tried stopping most of my life. And just am finally starting to identify why I feel and act as I have in the past.
This is very good advice. Do therapy for yourself. You've talked to him already and its out in the open. If he doesn't take any action in three months . . . then get out. He might never change. He won't be fixed, or cured, in three months, but if he is taking some action on his own initiative . . . then there is hope.
I'll put in my two cents, and hopefully, it'll help. You must realize the reality that stings the most as a wife of this man who is struggling severely. Here is the reality; You can't change him. You'll spit, cry, and scream for him to stop and love you more, but deep down this man can not be changed by anything you do. This has to be a realization in his head, and he needs to know how much damage he has done. There are some things that you can do to induce change or influence him, but you can not force-feed a change in his thought. It's obvious your marriage is shakey, I mean come on, you've had S only 10 times in 24 months, and who knows what your communication and financial side of things look like? This is a very serious and personal situation for you, and as someone who has limited experience, all I can say is you really need to reach out to his friends. Address the concern many times to him and then at some point you have to bring someone else he's close to slapping him across the metaphorical face. Just remember that marriage is a 3-legged stool of Se*ua| In(erc)urse, Money/finances, and Communication and that you will NEED to keep these three in order to keep this marriage going.
If you would believe him, you would not ask here, right? So I feel you are making a statement and ask for feedback. What I noticed: You found him masturbating and from this you concluded that he is addicted (read here what you are actually implying: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Addiction#Internet). Note that, while you might feel relieve by insulting him and while 'addict' might feel like an appropriate way of insulting in this case, you do not help him by calling him addicted. To the contrary, if he would start to believe he is addicted, this will make it psychologically more difficult for him to actually end the unwanted activity (https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2015-42188-001) (because he would then not believe in his competence to change his behavior but accept that something is controlling him and his actions. When he watches porn again, he may even reason it was not his fault, but fault of the addiction and ask you for your understanding. Before anything can improve, he has to understand that porn is not part of your definition of partnership, take responsibility for his actions and then show the will to change - the only other alternative is that you revise your expectations towards your husband (and I feel that the latter would be the worse choice). ) It will help you to find for yourself, what you want for you, for him and for your marriage. And then act accordingly. For instance, a) should you find that you want to help him, try to behave in a way that also makes him stronger. There are couples that live happy with porn being part of their lives. It will take time and some wrong turns may be taken along the way, but with commitment, behavior can be changed eventually. b) should you, however, find that you want to hurt him, go ahead; society and the pain you feel gives you all right to act out of a superior position. I recommend that in this case, you disconnect from him so that the suffering for you and for him is minimized. c) and if you find that your main motivation at this point is to receive consoling comments, exchange with others on the topic, but in general you like to return to business as usual, no further action required. Take care, Stephan
No, that is not what she said. She said that in the 2 years they've been married, they've only had sex about 10 times, and then she said in her list of "biggest concerns" that she caught him M'ing a few times even though she never denies him sex. That doesn't say she concluded anything. However, after she talked to him about it... How is she insulting him when he is the one who admitted to her that he has a P addiction? And, what makes you think she felt some kind of relief from that? She may have felt relieved to finally be told the truth instead of a plethora of lies, but nothing she said indicates that she was insulting him at all. If he is an addict...and especially if he acknowledged that himself...it would not help him if she negates that fact. That's called denial, and it's never helpful for anyone's recovery. If an addict starts to believe they're an addict, then it's actually possible for them to eventually get in recovery. The psychological difficulty created by the inability to recognize the addiction for what it is (denial) keeps many addicts stuck regardless of what their SO says or does. No one ever gets into recovery by denying reality. I believe she already knows this. The problem isn't that she's unaware of what she wants in her marriage. She knows, and so far, she's the only one who's taken steps to try to address the problem. She can "want to help him" more than she has ever wanted to do anything in her life, and it doesn't matter one bit if he doesn't want to help himself. She can be supportive (and there's no indication she doesn't want to be), but she can't "make him stronger." His recovery is up to him. As for the happy P-watching couples, I would bet that those couples rarely, if ever, include one of them being a PA, and I don't think that's the kind of marriage she's hoping to have, anyway. Why do you feel the need to be so hostile towards her when all she's done is to come here seeking advice for her damaged marriage? Nothing she said would imply she wants to hurt him. She is the one who is hurting and trying to find support to make things better. Clearly, you don't understand what it's like to suffer through betrayal trauma, and then, to make it worse by being blamed for someone else's choices that hurt you in the first place. Society as a whole has very little understanding of this, and the few who do recognize it for the painful hell that it is are certainly not trying to act superior because of it. Further, I think it's obvious that she is not just seeking "consoling comments," and instead, she is truly looking for advice about her marriage. Perhaps you should take some time to educate yourself a little more before you dole out advice about a topic that has such an immense impact on every aspect of someone's life. Empathy...it's one of the last things most addicts are able to obtain because it doesn't happen until after they learn to not be so self-centered and to accept the responsibility for their choices and the consequences of those choices.
100% dead on! For some reason Stephan thinks identifying someone as an addict is a personal insult, rather than an acknowledgment of a problem. I guess calling a diabetic a diabetic is an insult also? Stephan has it backwards, he thinks admitting you have a problem causes the problem to get worse, when it’s failure to acknowledge you have a problem that is one of the biggest issues with getting help.
I personally, Lie a lot when it comes to addiction. One thing I have learned is that sharing doesn't reduce the pain, an addict remains an addict. One requires to take steps to get out of the problem. It's million times difficult than said. I am struggling to do nofap for 7 years with no luck. Your husband's condition seems much worse. What he needs is a strong realization as to how much this addiction is causing a problem for him. This is a very hard pill to swallow. You can't expect him to cure himself in 3 months and you can't live with an addict forever either. Try for a year and track his progress, ask him to be honest and tell him it's okay to share and you won't bite. Just ask him to track how much he masturbated and when and to what. See each month if the frequency and intensity goes down. If it does then he is slowly but improving but if not then it's up to you. You can leave him.
Hi Melanie, I’m sure that this thread is giving a lot of advice to you. But, I want to interject a personal experience. I dated a girl for two years, we lived together for a year, I have a porn addiction, we had sex at least once a day but that wasn’t satisfactory to her. Truthfully if the addiction had killed my libido and given me erectile dysfunction it wouldn’t have been enough for me either. Because of the porn addiction I didn’t appreciate her beauty. That hurt her. My porn addiction made me conceive of sex in a warped way. I did things I regret, she sexually assaulted me frequently and I allowed it because porn made me think it was okay. I sexually assaulted her once because of the same reason. I woke her up one day because I was masturbating to a picture of another woman in our bed right next to her. Because of porn I would have sex in my sleep and frighten my ex, waking her up in the middle of the night and having sex with her, all the while having little to no memory of these occurrences. Sometimes I would be aware of what was happening but only able to watch what was happening, I couldn’t stop myself, I was out of control. Im not saying that this will happen to you. But, porn does things to your brain, I have hypersexuality disorder so my experiences may be more severe than your husband’s. However, there were many points where I wished I’d left my ex in order to avoid hurting her. Where I just wished I could take back the hurt and hate that I caused. She wasn’t great to me, but my biggest problem was the porn and the issues that trickled down with it. I regret not leaving her earlier for her own good. Sometimes I wished she’d left me earlier. We broke up mutually and we still live together and love each other as people, but we weren’t right for each other. I would consult people that you’re close to before you leave this person, but a relationship should be easy. Someone shouldn’t constantly be hurting you, you shouldn’t constantly be getting into arguments. My recommendation is to leave if you’re unhappy, or at least give yourself some distance. Breaking up seems hard, but just because you stop having sex with someone doesn’t mean you can’t both be happy or even have to exit each other’s lives entirely. But from the sound of it, it doesn’t even seem like you guys have much sex. I agree with previous replies, he needs to change for himself not for you. I have seen plenty of women especially endure highly abusive relationships in the hopes that a person will change, they constantly go back even if they do leave. Do yourself a favor and leave if you feel like this relationship is unhealthy and stay out. Find someone else who makes you happy. It’s scary, it might be hard for the guy initially or even for you but both of you can get through it and will be better for it. You can even offer him support through it, but do it from a distance. But obviously don’t take advice only from strangers, ask people who you’re close to but really listen to them.
