Hello everyone, it was suggested to me to post my story in this forum as a means to get some advice / support for what I’m going through. So my story is this: I found out a few days ago that my boyfriend has been struggling with a porn addiction for the last few years / the majority of our relationship (dating three years this August, 2023). It was one of those things that I just sort of found out and brought it up to him and we have had a few conversations about it since then. He hid it from me as he was scared I would leave him over it, since he knows my personal stance on porn. So when we talked about it I felt absolutely horrible that he has been struggling with this alone so I told him I will be here for him 100% through all the ups and downs that he will have while trying to deal with his porn addiction / recovery. He says he hasn’t watched porn since around his birthday in July, 2022 but I’m still feeling upset as I feel lied to and I’m just having a lot of emotions. I was just hoping to reach out to this community to get some suggestions or advice or just anything to help both of us during this time. We want to stay together and work through his recovery together as a couple, we just are having a hard time knowing where to start as I am dealing with trust issues with him now. Sorry for rambling, I hope what I am saying makes sense. I just want to help him during all of this but also help myself a bit too because this is all so new to me and I want to be as supportive of him as possible. I also want to add I ensured not to make him feel shame or anything, which I did unintentionally in the past before I knew about his addiction. I just want him to feel safe and comfortable enough to talk to me about this so I can do whatever I can to help him. He is my entire world so any advice would be appreciated! I am just in such a vulnerable state, which is why I found this group for support. I also told my boyfriend about this group / website so that if he wants a safe space to talk about his struggles that it is an excellent resource for him for when he is ready / if he chooses to go this route too. Thank-you to those who have read this and to anybody who responds. I hope you all have a lovely rest of your day!
Based on what you said I think you have an amazing outlook on this. I'm a PA struggling myself while in a marriage with a wonderful daughter. Your boyfriend is very lucky. Has your boyfriend told you when this became a problem? I would assume his P problem started during early teen years as almost all seem to. It's so common, young adolescent teens are very mentally driven towards sex and fall into this almost by accident or out of curiosity. I remember the first pop up of P I found. It wasn't even something I looked for. After that my curiosity and desire would keep me coming back. As my life continued I would really more and more on it as a compulsive way to deal with stress and anxiety. Through my entire life I've known I needed to get rid of this habit and haven't been able to. (34 years old now.) What I've finally come to realize is to truly kick a P addiction you have to do a ton of personal development and reflection to find why we as the addict are driven to it. To do this I think one must identify the triggers that cause someone to have an urge for P, I have written about much of my story on other posts. Once those triggers are identified it's then important to work to change the way we react and create healthy behaviors to replace the addiction. I am finding this to be one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. The improvements in our marriage though have already made the sacrifice worth it in many ways. With a relationship comes a need for honesty between both of you. I have lied about my problems many times to my wife. In the back of my head I always thought. "I know what I'm doing is wrong, I'll just fix this problem and then I'll never have to be truly honest about what I've done". This logic always failed for me as I would find the foundation of not being truthful would be like a rabbit hole that would lead to more PMO use and more lies when asked about things. I had absolutely no personal accountability because I had already been untruthful about what I had been doing. I also have found that unless he is truly willing to kick the addiction and do the hard work to kick it, It will come back most likely. Keep in mind this is not something you can fix for him. It's something he will have to want to do himself. It very well may be challenging at times depending on your boyfriends struggles. Relapses are common. It might get very frustrating at times, I have found in my reboot that I feel like I've climbed mount Everest, but to my wife it looks like something barely noteworthy. (My first month long streak of Nofap for example) It's truly an internal struggle to deal with a PMO addiction and can really affect us. Your honesty and understanding will help a lot in your relationship!
I replied to your message in the SO group, but there were a couple different things you mentioned in this post that I wanted to address... You feel lied to because you were lied to. It's normal for you to have all these emotions and to not trust him when you've been betrayed by the person you thought you could trust most. It will take time and effort for him to rebuild trust, and he has to do his own work. You can be supportive, and it's great that you are, but the reparation of trust is up to him. Please understand that his feelings of shame do not come from you. They come from within. PA's often deal with a lot of shame, and ironically, it sometimes fuels the addiction. That's why he wasn't honest with you about his addiction in the first place. You might have said some things that poked at his shame, but what you said didn't cause it. And, there's nothing that you can say or not say that will eliminate it. That's another element that he will have to learn to work through in recovery. Most SO's want their partner to be open and honest with them about everything, and they can be compassionate and understanding and do everything imaginable to try to help their partner. But, until the addict starts to work through the shame, it is very difficult for them to do that...and it isn't because of anything the SO is doing wrong. I understand it's frustrating and hurtful when they won't let you in their 'bubble.' You love him and you just want to help, but besides being there and being supportive, the only work you can do is on your own healing. There's a great book you might want to check out...Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens. It will help you understand all of this a lot better. It would be great if your bf would read it as well to understand your side more clearly.
This shame I think makes it extremely tough to be honest about this. This is something that is easy to lie and hide with no immediate consequence. I also think there are layers we deal with of opening up this shame. We are scared of being vulnerable and will only open up a small bit. Then continue to hide this rather than deal with it. Finally opening up has really helped me. I feel much more comfortable being myself with my wife. If I can help your husband in any way let me know. There are many people on here that want to help!
Honestly, porn has served as a source of novelty and comfort in my relationship. I wanted to watch porn when my relationship was struggling or I felt bored. Stay fresh. Go on dates. Have fun. Be spontaneous. And try to listen and avoid dumb arguments. That’s the best way you can support him!
