Hi, I'm new here. I don't really know what to say. I'm really lonely I guess. PMO is kind of a problem only even at my best on long streaks without I struggle so badly to find a partner and involve people in my life generally. I have a diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome and other issues too. I have only had sex a handful of times - at 36 - but I don't necessarily feel PMO is the pure cause of that, but I doubt it can help! But when I feel like porn and cyber-sex is the best I can hope for, that is a seductive line of reasoning. I get into really kinky far-out stuff, and part of me feels like: 'Why should I be ashamed?' but at other times it feels empty, sordid and pointless. I crave intimacy and affection. The sex I've had has felt amazing. It might be hard for my to explain how my autism affects me, ultimately it causes me significant pain from routine things - definitely the kind of things that would be involved with a date. I was posting on Reuniting for a while but they said it wasn't the right place. I tend to hand out on porn sites with a social element, chat-rooms, profiles etc. so at least I am interacting with other people.
Spill it. That's a great first step. Tell us why you're here, how bad your addiction is, why you want to stop, and how you plan on doing it.
Porn is a false substitute for true love and connection. And what's worse is that it actually distorts love and connection with continued use. One of the reasons that I knew that I had to quit was because I was venturing into different videos that I once found completely abhorrent. I remember about a month ago thinking to myself after watching something disgusting "how did I get here? I used to find this kind of video repulsive, and now I'm jacking to it?" And then this question "If i'm watching this, which i used to find repulsive and abhorrent, what videoes will I be watching in the future, and how will that affect me?" There are many, MANY men on this forum just like you. Read their stories. Continue to write your own and figure out what's working for you and what isn't
Yeah. I guess my porn addiction is mild, I feel a bit guilty coming here - I was doing okay the past year or two, felt very much under control, until stress of taking new things on in life - positive things, but demanding - made me spill into orgasms, then I'm back bingeing and just feeling like sex - and specifically porn - is kind of the centre of my life. But I get conflicted, part of me likes that! But I know that if I can get far enough through orgasmic fallout then everything tastes better, I appreciate the little things in life, looking at plants, animals, the sun, the sky... it all just feels lighter and less constricted! I've ventured into stuff I'd feel uncomfortable admitting to here... but actually, I've avoided getting too far into stuff that really troubles me - don't know if I should mention triggers here or how to do that - but stuff like violence, money exploitation, 'meta' humiliation/domination that sort of thing... I've never actually paid for porn or cam girls or anything... I just go around for ages sniffing out the best freebies I can get my hands on!! I've been out of work for ten years, well, never really managed to work at all... so obviously that makes me very careful with money. I got ill after my masters degree... all autism related... and maybe it's a goal for the future but at the moment the focus with the health professionals is sorting out my routine including medication... with an autism specialist involved explaining things that I didn't even realise, about neuropathic pain and what amounts to nerve damage, other professionals are finally - after years of (understandable) reluctance and strict rationing - becoming a bit more flexible about the possibilty of treating pain (i.e. with medication)...
Yeah sorry I'm a bit rambling, but my situation is kind of complex... I guess part of me wonders - and given what amounts to a social disability impacting upon my romantic/sexual experiences/behaviour, how do I know if I have an addiction to porn to deal with and improve my life through dealing with... and how do I gauge how addicted I am? I know it's all kind of subjective... am I just worrying too much and need to shake it off?
Welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and sometimes challenge you but not judge you. Thank you for sharing your story. As you will come to learn, there is no fetish or desire that someone on this site has not already experienced and alluded to or mentioned. The enemy is here to steal, kill and destroy. What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO?
I just don't see how I can quit porn... I can go without masturbation or orgasm for 100 days+, a couple of times in the past. I get to the point where curiosity is the enemy! After about 60-80 days I've forgotten how it feels crashing back into orgasm and become slothful and apathetic, I feel like a kind of predatory mindset just hanging around waiting for far-out cyber-sex and grazing on extreme porn in between.... any activities I do just kind of slotted in amongst that, rather than properly redirecting attention and focus (can be an autism issue too). But at my best, this kind of brief peek is just too naughty to resist!! And for me it doesn't automatically lead into spiralling hours of bingeing... I guess part of what I'm saying is I love porn - but only one aspect of it - just the combination of people expressing their sexuality, and also using contempary media in tandem with that... of course that's simply not the entire situation. But yeah... masturbation, orgasm... these are just depressing for me, in my state of disconnection, isolation and loneliness... but my porn use is so directly connected to actual contact with other human beings, chatting about situations and fantasies - but that's all that ever happens for me!!! Thank you for the reply.
Is there a place where abbreviations are explained? What's PIV? What's JW? Thanks. *** EDIT - Found glossary section myself now ^ ^ *** (Still don't know what 'JW' means - in relation to a girl?)
I don't know what JW is. In relation to porn, just because you cannot see it, does not mean it cannot happen. It may take more work and more time and more discipline but it can happen. Check out In Case You Didn't Know for strategies and tips which may help you along your journey.
Yeah. I'm freaking out right now but when I pull focus and look back at the past three years I'm doing okay. It's the last 6-12 months have sent me into a bit of a tailspin - stress from new things leading to wet dreams and what I always get after that: 'Well now I'm in orgasm withdrawal ANYWAY and that's punishment without even having got the nasty thrill that deserves the punishment... so, the world is cruel and now I'm back on the orgasmic fallout treadmill, I may as well gorge on some filth and wanking, just until I'm ready to stave the whole thing off.' That happened in the past month or two, and about 9 months or so ago. It's the crabby sat at my computer in a sort of strange sated/numb state waiting to sit what fresh depravity will pique my curiosity and twisted, morbid sense of humour. ^ ^ Just got to ride it out... SO UNFAIR THOUGH!!! One trick I have is to always increase on my last gap - orgasms for me - and ideally double it. So if I managed two days without, then relapsed, next time REALLY trying for at least four - you know, ideally, 14, 90, 5,000,000 day... ideally... but REALLY just AT LEAST double! I first started getting in the whole thing a long time ago now... 2008? Certainly by 2010? I remember getting Marnia's book - from Reuniting, before it had a name change...
Calm down. Take a deep breath and exhale. It's going to be okay. This is a process. This truly is a journey, a marathon of marathons and it is the most frustrating and yet rewarding journey you will take. You've just started and the beginning often sucks... it just does.
Are you currently working with someone who is helping you sort all this out? You mentioned an autism expert, but sex therapists can be amazingly helpful, too. What I hear as I read your writing is that it sounds like the PMO part is only a side issue in the search for meaningful connection with others. What are your friends like?
No I'm very isolated. I don't have any friends. It is a real struggle to interact or do anything like that. I can only really manage structured activities around other people. I manage to get to a 2 hour art class and a 2 hour drama class every week, other than that my contact is basically 3 support slots from a local organisation, 4 hours each. Yes it does feel like PMO is part of a bigger issue and why I feel a bit awkward posting here - I'm not saying I don't have issues and a problem but it feels like others might have a far more significant one (in terms of addiction). I guess probably one key thing for me is seeing how I probably actually self-medicate with porn amongst other things, the pain and sensory arousal just gets so intense and makes me so hyper that it is painful and so I'll want to do something very intense to cut through all of that, which could potentially be extreme porn. I guess another issue is the isolation around this specific aspect, I'd feel awful mentioning it to my family, very humiliated and awkward mentioning it to care professionals and like I say, I don't really have any friends as casual interaction is so difficult for me. I have never really considered a sex therapist, I guess because it seems like a slightly tangential element, my autism causing issues around social interaction and so on...
One thing you may have to address is the "my PMO addiction is not that bad" mentality. From what you're telling us...it is. Let's look at the facts: 1.you cant stop 2. you want to stop 3. you're addiction is becoming progressively worse 4. you're doing / looking at things that scare you and that you don't want to look at 5. it's impacting your social life 6. you're reaching out on multiple forums for help You need acceptance. Accept that you have a problem, that you need help. You are addicted. Your addiction is killing you. But you can't get better until you accept that fact.
Ah. I didn't know the severity of your Asperger's. My niece has Asperger's, too, and she has a close-knit group of friends--outsiders, quirky, brilliant...she's in her element. I would be your friend, if I could. How can I help you? You have all my unconditional positive regard. I'm completely safe emotionally. I don't need or want anything from you, although I'd like to be connected if I can...
Hmm... addressing PMO doesn't affect autism. I can stop I have done before, the addiction is fluctuating and was at its worst, I don't know... 2010 or so... I just keep having relapses! And that is why I'm reaching out... my social life has been non-existent since 2008 when I lost the structure of education and had a chance to interact with people. My main issue in reaching out is around my ambivalence, when I'm relapsing, and in orgasm addiction, my thoughts just become: 'What a load of happy clappy bullshit, just have a wank every few days and don't worry about it'. I'm not looking at things that scare me I just feel like like a loser wasting my time in a pointless endeavour that only causes me to fixate all the more on my isolation and soial disability: 'Porn is the best you can get and it's all your worth... maybe if you weren't such a poor unemployed loser you might at least have a chance to be a John...'... when I get stressed out I look at things which are extreme but not extremely violent or abusive... just stuff that I appreciate mainstream society frowns upon... and which realistically, drastically narrows my chances at finding a sexually compatible partner... It isn't like I spend hours on porn when otherwise I'd be doing good stuff, it's more that I feel trapped in my room in my flat so what else is there to do? I try to go out for a walk but when I come back I still have the same anxiety and pain going on - that might blur into PMO territory but it really isn't the be all and end all... I don't know what I can say to assert that... I've been having the same struggle around pain relief for years with medical professionals who don't have autism awareness, and put me through the dual diagnosis drug rehabilitation route... now finally they're saying that this isn't appropriate, as the autism specialist has explained that it is quite possibly a scrambled nervous system meaning that regular sensory sensations are registering as pain due to hyper sensitivity. Going for months without orgasm or masturbation was nice but it didn't change that and there's no reason why it should - I hate posting that here on a site where it's all about getting super motiviated and so on, but it is my situation. Today for example - dang it's hot here - I've been just logging on to a site to check if there's any messages. I haven't watched any videos, I've been exposed to porn and maybe spent a couple of seconds, I didn't search for any specific porn, I didn't play any videos, I didn't touch myself at all and after a couple of seconds I felt pretty sickened and left - I know some people would count that as relapse, that's why I'm not making a counter... but the only way I connect with people is online!! So I am always holding out hope of meeting people... it is stupid though... people without my difficulties are generally basically just online for kicks. It is hard for me as my whole life I've been looking for help - I guess we maybe all are in one way or another - and things are worth doing and do help, but also, they aren't 'a cure'... so I have to be realistic about the outcome! It's also worth considering just how stressed I might be when I'm posting! I'll get extremely wound up!! I probably don't belong on this site - I used to post on reuniting until Marnia eventually told me to stop... but no... I should be positive! I can make changes and do things... and this stuff can only help!!!
Looking for help and accepting help are two different things. Your story is very, very similar to a lot of those on this site, including my own. Quitting PMO doesn't make all our problems go away. It's just a start. It's our coping mechanism. (I prefer to think of it as quitting Lust, rather than PMO. Lust is the real addiction.) After quitting PMO we still have to confront the problems driving us to PMO. Often it is feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, isolation, despair. Without PMO we're forced to look at those things we've been covering up. It's a painful process. We have to start confronting our problems in a healthier way. Some of us exercise. Some become more social. Many of us turn to a higher power. You clearly cherish porn. Ever ask yourself why? Often it is because in that world we are Gods. The women (and men) love us and will do our bidding. They're our slaves and we're their master. It artificially inflates the ego, and makes us temporarily feel good about ourselves. And then we go out to the real world and wonder why everyone isn't treating us fairly! Ha! My friend, so long as you have your porn to run to, that little fantasy world in which you're a God among slaves, you won't be truly motivated to face your problems.
Yeah, lust sounds like that's about right. I don't cherish porn, well, in context I worship sex, and that is the only route that is available to express that. In the week since I last logged-on I have not really looked at porn at all, half an hour or so, on a site I went to to socialise (i.e. check for possible hook-ups)*. Yes I feel inadequacy, isolation, despair and loneliness. Routinely. I'm confused about exactly what my problems are. I'm lonely but social interaction is physically painful for me. I am unemployed but I get by on benefits. Sensory issues overwhelm me and I feel anxious and sick. I hate feeling so shut off and as if I'm in a world of my own. Nothing seems to have implications or effect. I am in a void like limbo. The frustration for me is that even having quit I still can't interact or find a partner. I have been orgasm free for over 100 days a few times, maybe 200 once or twice. I just set-up a twitter account and began adding a ton of things to get involved in nearby. Music and politics and autism advocacy... exercise would also be good too. I subscribe to overwhelming amounts of things and get stressed out though. It is overwhelming. I've just got the spike coming up now, I know that it will be the worst part, the sting in the tail of orgasmic fallout - that will be coming in the next few days. Currently I am despairing about politics and war. * I would like a relationship... would I? Yes I think so. But I haven't had any intimacy for many many years... it is hard to think what I do and don't want... I think right now I'm in a bit of an orgasmic fall-out funk... it is 12 days since my last orgasm.
