Freeing myself from the past

I'm new to the NoFap site but have lurked a bit in the past and drew inspiration from the stories of others, so I thought I'd do my part and share my experience. As I'm writing this I realized it got a lot longer than I intended but it really does feel good writing it all out for others.

Where I was at:
Before starting NoFap a little over a month ago now, I was extremely depressed. I'm 20 years old and on paper I had a very good life and I feel like many people ( including myself ) could look at me and be envious of me. I had a close group of friends I talked to regularly, a great and supportive family, I had a near perfect GPA in a difficult university program and my future career was looking very good, however I never really felt that I wanted or deserved any of it.

I started masturbating occasionally when I was only 13 year old, but in the past 7 years the habit only grew worse and worse until I was undeniably addicted. For probably the past 3-4 years I would PMO multiple times a day and it made me feel deeply ashamed of who I was. This shame turned into depression and I believe made me think perversely about life; as if I was worthless.

No matter what I did I could never truly open up to anyone out of the deep shame I felt so while my life was moving on, it never felt like it was happening to me, but rather someone else who actually deserved it. I sometimes would catch myself frequently talking or doing something entirely unconsciously and would feel myself suddenly "wake up" and feel confusion and fear. This was probably my biggest asset in succeeding as I could unconsciously mold myself to peoples expectations, but it never felt real. The real me who was around only when I was alone and conscious felt only a boredom and dissatisfaction with life.

My Recovery:
I've tried NoFap before a couple of times but could never really make it past 20 days. I think the reason for this is because it felt really fake; like I wasn't doing it for myself but instead because I felt it was what a person should do. This would lead me to relapse and fall deeper and deeper in my addiction.

That all changed a little over a month ago, before New Years, when I decided that I would put an end to it all and stop my addiction by the end of the year and start fresh the next. This included all the other habits that I didn't feel proud of like mindlessly grinding video games and staying up all night doing nothing.

On the fourth day of the new year, I was in bed trying to fall asleep early but while half asleep I had a dream that changed the entire way I think. It's hard to describe really as it was more of a feeling, but I felt that if everyone could love each other the world would be a perfect place, that's all it comes down to. It sounds absurd but I felt so moved that I no longer worried about my past depression and felt that I had finally felt what I should pursue, the love of life.

The rest of the month was rather uneventful in terms of things actually happening to me however after that dream I began to love life. I no longer struggled with my PMO addiction and felt no shame towards myself as I had previously. Its still early but I feel that I am forgiving myself for my past and am really not that person anymore and it feels great.

I was able to stay true to all my other goals as well, quitting playing video games entirely and fixing my sleep. The time I spend with my friends is the same but entirely different as I feel like its really happening to me. My life is no longer passing before my eyes but instead I am living it. Everything feels so real and instead of dreading the days I am loving them, even if I do the most trivial tasks like shoveling snow or taking out the trash.

I used to be obsessed with how I was perceived by others, thinking about my status and trying to compare myself to everyone but I no longer feel that way anymore. All I desire now is a simple life where I can learn new things alongside people I love and care for. Instead of trying to get rich to find happiness I instead dream of moving out to a quiet town away from the city and settle down with a wife and children living a humble life. Maybe I'm being idealistic but I just want to be able to freely express my love to at least a few people who can understand and accept it.

For my career, I only want to make enough to have freedom in my life and then pursue becoming a writer or an teacher, something I've always thought about but have been to afraid to pursue. I have always enjoyed teaching people and feel like I have a unique way of thinking about things and did not have that much support growing up, so to inspire even a few people to reach their potential would be the greatest feeling.

It's hard to say how much of this change was attributed to my PMO addiction but I think that freeing myself from that shame really freed me from my shackles. It has only been a month but in my mind there's no chance of me going back, I finally feel alive.

Now I can finally enjoy life.