Flatline SO not turned on by me

My wife is overweight and it does affect our intimacy and my attraction level to her. However, when I get sober for a week or two or more and she’s putting effort into her appearance, the weight and unattractive visual features matter a lot less. I start appreciating and desiring her physically and stop seeing the flaws as much.

This is my experience, just one person.

For you, know the things you can do better. If you’ve slacked on your appearance or clothing or stopped doing something to be attractive, acknowledge it and see if it’s something you want to do going forward. Don’t obsess or beat yourself up or be defensive, but own whatever part you have (big or small). This is not meant to be any judgment, but attraction and intimacy very much rely on two people doing their part and showing up their best. I imagine you’ve been doing that already.

Also ask him if he’s doing his part and how his reboot is going. Don’t be scared to probe and ask him how frequently he’s still using porn to masturbate. Again, my experience, but if I’m using porn once a month or less, my libido and attraction for my wife goes up a lot and I’m on antidepressants that make it harder too. Ask him if he should get more help or there are tactics he wishes he were doing. Start a supportive, honest and open dialogue.

I hope things get better for the both of you.

 

It's not you. It's his brain completely fried and if after 11 months there is little progress he had a CHRONIC case of PIED. though i understand why you might feel hurt. But in my case I rebooted for just 35 days and made big progress. After my fiancé and I had incredible sex one moment I CRAVE her now. Currently going through a bit of a flat line, but for the most part I drool over my girl and she is chubby. i love every inch of her.

 

During reboot, there will be phases of flatline and there will be bouts of strong libido. Everybody is different, so the best way is to understand your SO, and his patterns.

Tell us more about the patterns. During the reboot, are you both going completely hands-off each other, or is there some form of intimacy from time to time? You have stated that he is going through a flatline and has lost his libido. Do you sometimes make approaches to him to test his response? Does he attempt to approach you, to test his own responses? During this reboot, what is the intimacy agreement you have between each other?

 

I can't say this has affected me at all in my reboot. I'm super attracted to my wife. She's gained quite a bit of weight as well. But I still see her just as attractive. I'm very thankful for this. I've always preferred real sex to PMO.

Hopefully that can change as things get better for you. I expect that in time your husband's libido can increase as well as his attraction to you.

 

Flatlined are funny. I have had them last for weeks and months during previous reboots. Having been a porn/sex addict since my 20s, I can tell you some odd shit happens.

I've been married for 15 years and I do have flat lines where I am not attracted to my wife.

What I mean is not attracted to her in the sense that I just want to get off. I tend to crave the intimacy of sex rather than just getting off when I get that feeling during a flat line I may think about sex but i just don't seem to have the desire or will to do it.

Not attracted does not mean unattractive. If you're wondering I would ask for clarification.

 

I think 11 months is too long. Something doesn't seem right.

For me, personally, my attraction towards my wife increased. Not the other way around.

 

That's true. Not to think the worst but there could be some PMO use that isn't being admitted to.

@aryascarlett do you know or have you asked if your SO has been clean this whole time? And do you know if they would be motivated to lie about it? IDK just a thought that may be the reason for no improvement in PIED.

 

11 months clean and still no libido. There could be several things at play.

• He is not being honest about how clean he is and is actually still using porn regularly. Or he’s found another substitute with massage parlors, other sexual or cyber relationships, strip clubs or escorts. This is very unlikely but I have seen people do that.
• He has a physical or mental issue (e.g. chemical imbalance) or antidepressants are blocking his libido.
• He’s become a sexual anorexic and has blocked sex from his life and mind entirely. I have seen this happen. It’s more common among women.

Either way this is a relationship. Have the difficult conversations, ask the difficult questions. I didn’t volunteer info and my wife didn’t ask questions for many years. Don’t sit on the sidelines wondering. You’re delaying years of your life and years of his potential recovery. My wife did this and it quietly hurt her for a long time.