Last time I was here was 2020 January just before the pandemic started At that point of time I was going through a very rough period in life, was cheated on, severe ocd that prevented me from leaving the house at one point, no job, out of university and v depressed When my OCD started to resemble more like psychosis and had me bedridden doing 12 hours of compulsive checking, not sleeping, eating and had me talking to a piece of paper i thought my life was over I accepted my fate regardless of what happened to me at that point and went to the psychiatric hospital. They recognized how severe it was and I really thought they would inpatient me(they did not). Escitalopram 20mg and ERP/ACT and working very hard on stuff for a year got my ocd under control. This gave me my life back, i studied hard and passed entrance exams to start electrical engineering in 2022, moved out of my parents place and im in my 2nd year of university. I spend most of my day in uni studying or working in the lab, got an internship and found "my calling" Great.. so far? The ex thing feels like a long forgotten history, I have problems trusting women or even friends and like being by myself, im socially not anxious anymore and do well but still like being alone Whats never changed in all these years is this horrible addiction. Been trying to quit for 7 years now and I keep slipping up, keep failing, losing faith in ever getting better and then just give in. A week of porn usage and the shame kicks in, the feeling of "i dont even find these people attractive, sure they are good looking but i dont like them? id rather be in a relationship.. what the hell am i doing?" Its just so frustrating, sometimes i think about going to the psychiatric hospital again and telling my doctor about this but its so shameful. OCD wasnt my fault, I could tell him I had all these compulsions no matter how bizarre they were because it was something i didnt ask for, my brain is just wired wrong. But porn feels different, the only people I can talk to about this are strangers online. I feel incredible shame to try and approach my doctor about this I really dont want to watch porn, sometimes i stop in the middle of things and just imagine being in love with a wonderful girl and just holding hands for goodness sake, i dont like the idea of sexualizing someone I dont personally love At what point do you guys think things are too bad and you need to see a professional? My OCD and depression arent 100% gone and whenever I think about how bad this addiction is I can feel myself slipping back, the stress causes me to start compulsively checking again or I start socially isolating, binge eating or some other self destructive behavior Ive come a long way and I do appreciate myself for it but this certainly isnt enough and I absolutely must get this under control before I graduate.. before this academic year even ends What should I do? For someone who's struggling with this and failing so many times over so many years?
First off good job confronting the OCD and doing the work to manage it. I also deal with it myself and I know it can be very challenging and stressful at times. The combination of meds, ERP, and therapy have mostly helped me do ok with it. Btw the book I like is The OCD Workbook by Bruce M. Hyman. Personally I think it's good to see a therapist regularly, even if it's only like once a month, just so you have someone you can talk to about how things are going. Just having someone there to listen helps me a lot. As for being worried about talking to your doctor about everything you're going through, I think you can let that go - trust me these guys have heard everything. I have had the same worries myself before about embarrassing thoughts, and when finally airing them with my therapist they've been rather unsurprised by them saying like "Oh yeah that's quite common, yeah we can work on that, etc." They know that with a condition like OCD the thoughts we have aren't who we really are, they are just "noise" floating around because of our brain chemistry and they mean nothing about our character. On battling porn addiction, well I probably don't have anything to say you haven't heard before. I do think people with OCD have a particular challenge with it because of our nature to get "stuck" in repeated behaviors. However this is not a hopeless thing that we can't change, especially when we realize how bad the aftereffects will be for us after a porn binge. The cost is just too high in the way the PMO cycle reinforces our worries about self-esteem and such. Anyway just want to encourage you on your path and tell you you're doing ok buddy. I can really relate to your struggles and I think you can take some pride in how you've dealt with them. You are stronger than you realize. Just keep working on taking positive steps and good things will eventually come your way - you'll get through school, and when the time is right a girl will come along that you click with, and you'll realize how much better a real relationship is than endless hours clicking through porn sites.
