The only people who call me (except mother and grandparents) only vent and tell me about their day or their small problems. Every time I talk about something, they either ignore it or don't have much to say and make the conversation about them again. I notice this with a lot of people around me to, so much so, I really don't talk much unless someone asks me something. I know someone is different when they care about the other person. Most times it's satisfying being quiet and observing people from a distance while I work hard behind the scenes in silence, but sometimes it feels lonely. I get over that feeling pretty quickly now, but still. Does anyone else feel this way?
Think about it like this - when someone vents to you about their problems, it's because they trust you enough and value your opinion enough to hope that you can maybe help them.
To some extent I can relate to that. When I was in high school, I had a lot of female friends. They would come to me when they were having problems with their boyfriends. I was a shoulder for them to cry on. When I became attracted to several of them, they all friend-zoned me. I vowed to never do that again. If a woman wants relationship advice, she should look elsewhere. I don't care if that sounds callous.
I try to think like this, until I try to help and they totally ignore what I say and keep venting. It gets tiring tyring to talk to people who don't want to listen
A lot of people are like that, I noticed it too. And I don't think that's because they trust your or whatever. Most would do the same to everyone listening. They legit don't care who they are talking too and they won't remember you. When you talk with them it's like talking to a wall, there is no connection. I wonder if they feel alone or not listened to and just need to vent or if that's just their personality. Clearly the society is pushing you to be selfish.
Doing it sometimes it not really an issue. Doing it all the time is a form of what's called "emotional vampirism" and can be extremely draining for the person having to put up with it. I know people who do the same - almost all they do is talk about themselves, and as soon as you talk about yourself, they visibly lose all interest in the conversation, and repeatedly interrupt you so they can be the one to talk again.
That's why I've found it easier to just wit until people ask you a question, you will never catch me vonlunteering info again. It's exhausting talking to people who don't listen. Why waste the effort? Hey man I get it. Just got to know when you're being used and when you're actually helping. Hard to tell sometimes, but I get that feeling completely. I see, so I guess this is a common phenomena then. What a world we live in... Honestly I ask myself sometimes, "At the end of the day, who cares?". The pursuit of trying to be understood is useless, at least for me. Everyone has something going on, I guess it falls on certain people to give of themselves and be selfless.
Yes I feel this way often. I decided that I don't want to be used that way any more. People don't care about me. They want to use me. And with "use" the "misuse" and "abuse" are very close imo. If I don't feel a connection, I stop the conversation and move on. This week I joined a walking in cafe at our church. The hostess there asked me how I'm going. (Wow, a question!) I tried to share with her that some things are not going very well. She started to give advices and shared a lot of her own story. Out of respect I kept eye contact but that's only a confirmation for them to continue there talks. I tried to stop making eye contact, staring at my glass of tea. Then things changed. She asked me again something. But at the end of our conversation the ratio was like 20/80 or 25/75 me and her time talking. I've learned: If you stop confirming the other, they will stop talking. The good people are seldom but they exist. Yesterday I was in the same walking in cafe and met a family who was sitting there. We had a very respectful conversation where everybody could share their opinions. I felt really heard. But yes, it's quite seldom unfortunately. I also learned that not everybody is able to talk about the things that I need to talk about. Think about the real serious stuff as porn, addiction, loneliness, childhood issues. I share these things with a therapist, and with one or maybe two others who I really trust. But most people don't want or don't dare to talk about these things. They seem to live in a sort of raised version of themselves and when they call you, the flood of words comes out. I think they have lost the connection with themselves in some way.
Most people don't have a healthy "self". Means most people are very needy to become emotionally healthy. Emotionally healthy people who are really themselves, can give something, or, in better words, can share something. I wonder what will happen if you start setting boundaries to these people. A few weeks ago, again in that walking in cafe, another lady, the hostess. She kept on talking and sharing to me while I didn't asked her anything. I tried to give a reply to her 3 times but she kept interrupting me. I became angry and set a very firm boundary that I really didn't like that she interrupted me continuously. She was kind of shocked, but the next time, she will remember me ;-) I expect the hostess who voluntarily do that job, is in a servant role. But the truth is that they do that job in a try to become better themselves. And that would not be even that bad if they try to keep the conversation balanced. ---- Don't let yourself use that way guys. It's better to be alone than to be used. We are too valuable to be used, misused or abused. But we are the ones that need to learn that to others. We need to learn the others how we want to be treated.
Somebody in a training group once asked the question, "Are you really listening, - or are you just waiting for your opportunity to talk . . ?" It made me rethink how I communicate with others. Ironically, it made me less tolerant of people who just complain.
I can’t even relate to my friend’s problems, it’s usually just them blaming someone else and refusing to take responsibility themselves. That’s why I never try to complain.
I learned this about a year ago, people really don't care. Harsh truth, but it helps to live and operate in reality. Sad world where we must walk alone most of our days, but it's worth it. Very true, it's good you had that experience with that family. At this point, I can tell someone is different if they listen and inquire, rather than hear and reaspond. People like that are very rare, as you said. I try to be that rare person, but that leads me to your next point of boundaries... I'm going to start doing this. I thought people would get the hint when I go quiet, but they just don't stop. I'll have to put my foot down, but at this point, I'm starting not to care. The can waste their time talking, I'll mute myself and do something productive. Thank you for sharing, feels good to know I'm not the only one. I love that quote, I've heard it somewhere else as well. Really changed my approach on talking to people. And same, I'm getting a low tolerance for complaining, especially with problems people can solve. They don't want solutions, they want to be victims. Honestly same, I try to have sympathy, but there comes a time where complaining is victimhood. Especially knowing the work I had to do to overcome certain hardshps, there's no reason why others couldn't do the same. Thank you all for your responses so far, I'm enjoying this discussion.
