I've been stuck in a cycle of addictive behavior for awhile now; for the past few months I've been returning every 3-20 days to porn... after each time, picking myself up, dusting myself off, renewing my commitment, continuing on, continuing to relapse consistently. I've felt a bit apathetic about this journey for awhile now... there's no passion like there was in the beginning, when I said with fire "I WILL DO THIS. I WILL LEAVE P*** BEHIND." I come here to write but find little to say, mostly reading and appreciating others' posts. I've felt defeated for a bit. I've made lists in the past, of all the reasons I need to quit p. They're compelling. They used to get me fired up. More recently, however, the narrative in my head goes something like this "I know I need to stop, I know all the damage this could cause... but, I've PMO'd thousands of times: if I'm careful and I make sure I won't be caught, what's one more? Will it really change anything? There's a couple of lies in there: subtle and pernicious lies, worth exposing. Truth is, in the moment of temptation, I don't want to see the lie, and so I willfully ignore the truth and go forward and indulge anyway. I've been looking for something... new perspective, new insight. A reason, like a punch in the gut, to help me dig in my heels and say NO. I've found it. I was thinking back over something I read a long time ago, about a man proving to himself that he's a man, and not a piano key. Looking this up, it comes from Dostoyevsky. He certainly meant something different- perhaps even opposite - from the meaning which I've taken. Nonetheless, this quote was the root of my train of thought: I'm a man, and not a piano key. Five observations: One: This effort we've undertaken- to abstain from watching pornography- is difficult to say the least. Our biological drives are powerful, the sex drive not the least among them. We're visually-oriented creatures, with powerful imaginations. In addition to our basic drive for sex, we're creatures who seek out meaning, connection, and intimacy, all of which are deeply connected to our sexuality. Two: Life- even for those of us who have it relatively easy- is brutally fucking difficult. Life is often stressful and lonely and tiring and unfulfilling and full of suffering: not only for us, but also for those we love. And it ends in death. Three: We live in a culture which is both obsessed with sex and saturated with sexual material: even when you're not looking for it. Billboards. Commercials. Magazines in the grocery store checkout line. An exhaustive list would be very, very long... little reminders of sex, all the time, everywhere we go. Four: We live in a world where screens are almost completely necessary to function in daily life. One might try to extricate themselves from utilizing screens- I have- it's an uphill battle to say the least. We live in a world where we carry fast, HD internet in our pocket, all the time. Five: There's a 97 billion dollar industry whose sole goal it is to... get us to watch porn, and keep us watching. One way they keep us watching it- we who are already addicted- they make it really good, really addictive. They have the resources, they know the psychology, and they manufacture the thing for us which is most difficult to stop watching. Taking these five realities together, what's your reaction? Mine was this: the game is fucking rigged. It's rigged so badly against us, how could we ever expect to win? And every time I watch porn, I beat myself up and rain down condemnation upon my own head: "you stupid bastard, you're going to destroy your life... why don't you stop?" Upon writing that last sentence, I'm feeling a bit more compassion for myself than I have in a long while. I hope you do, to. It would appear, given the five observations made above, that what lies before us in abstaining from pornography is an impossible task. And yet, some of us have stopped. So it's possible. For me, tonight, the thought resounding in my soul is this. I want to be one of us who have quit porn for good, with 500+ on my counter, and I want to do it for one simple reason. All of the factors point one direction: we're going to watch porn, and we're going to keep watching porn. The truth is, we're men, we're not machines, and we have a choice. I refuse to be played any more. I am not a piano key.
Great post my friend. A relatable read. A couple thoughts to consider: you sound like someone who has been on this journey alone mostly. Do you have an AP? Do you ever go to SAA meetings? Are you in therapy? The game /is/ rigged, but if we can get help from larger community, we get "reinforcements." As youve pointed out, we cannot beat it through pure "willpower" alone. 3-20 days sober is good. Be proud of that. I was on that recurring train for a long time, got fatigued, and gave up mostly. Destroyed my body and my brain and now I have PIED. You are in a place that I WISH I was still in...you have more opportunities and a faster road to healing if you stop now. Sometimes reading the horror stories on this site helps motivate me, too. Journal ASAP, especially when you relapse so you can identify the **triggers** in your mood, emotions, etc. It's finding those points when you can actually stop and hit the breaks. Also watch Terry Crews "My Dirty Little Secret" video series. I think it might really help. Keep positive, youre doing good!
