This may get lost in the deluge of posts here, but I wanted to step up my efforts to rid myself of this lifelong struggle, which is now tearing apart my marriage due to my cyber infidelity. Without getting into the details of its personal impact on me, I wanted to create a space where I could be held accountable for my progress, which I am more determined than ever to make through this community and finally going to therapy. On Day 3 of no PMO, I woke up this morning and relapsed via PM-ing for about 15 minutes. I feel bad about myself for losing control when my willingness to change is at the highest level ever, but I know that setbacks could be a part of this journey and firmly believe it will slowly become easier for me to control my urges if I can get through 10-14 days cleanly. I am back at day zero (want to get to 60 or 90 or end my addiction altogether, as in the "none ever / never" cold turkey method), and plan to post short updates here each day. This is as much for myself as anything and I am not expecting much, but any and all advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
Day 2 since my last PMO, and I held steady and fought against all urges. Feeling pretty good as this is now day 4 since I started this commitment, albeit with a brief relapse. Not feeling super positive about myself when I get stuck in negative thought loops about the harmful effects of all my past activity on my relationship to my wife, but she is increasingly open and accepting of my ability to heal through through therapy. I can tell that she is starting to believe in my potential to improve as a partner, and that his a huge motivator for me to continue on this road to recovery. Will update hopefully with another successful 24 hours later entry tomorrow.
It's day 3 since my brief PM relapse, and day 5 since I've gone mostly cold turkey from PMO. Feeling a bit groggy and unfocused in the past 48 hour or so, with bouts of anxiety. Things feel better at home so that's steadying me. I will have to find outlets like exercise to overcome the urges because I expect them to intensify. Only managed a short 20 minute cardio session the other day but want to increase workout intensity and ride that adrenaline to get past the next couple weeks of urges. Getting to 2-3 weeks will make further progress easier, I think!
