My problem ruined my relationship.

Quite frankly, I'm asking the same question.

@Schizophrenic_Warfly, I did get the vibe that you're more focused on salvaging your relationship than on your own recovery for yourself. I personally don't see any hope for this relationship. And don't see @Revenadd ever forgiving or trusting you. And I don't understand why she is still in contact with you. I would still recommend that both of you get involved in a support group such SAA and Sanon. They'll provide support and guidance that therapy and forums cannot provide. It saddens me to see this so much. But never give up on becoming a better version of one's self because that journey is worth it. Wishing you both well.

 

Infidelity is one of the very best reasons to walk away from a relationship. Of course you don’t think so because you got yours, you weren’t cheated on, lied to, gaslighted abused. You just slipped up right?

 

He's still totally delusional. This thread is like a case study for why you can't take active addict posts at face value. He outlined that the bad stuff happening was her talking negatively to him, rather than that he is still actively acting out. Just wild.

 

I'm sorry to hear about the level of deceit you've been subjected to. It really is sickening, probably one of the worst I can remember reading in here.

I feel like when someone posts in here seeking help we want to give the benefit of the doubt, but there is an element of those posts that appear to be for the benefit of the SO reading them more than anything else. Fortunately, I think you're too wise to it to be manipulated by disingenuous gestures of change.

 

Sorry for what he's put you through. Even before you commented it was clear how self centered he is. Good luck.

Schizophrenic, you need to take a good, honest look at yourself. If you want a relationship it can't be only about you. She never agreed to have all these creeps you've involved in the relationship, and didn't deserve it. Why can't you see that? You should treasure your partner and nourish the relationship, not crush it.

 

Sadly, your problem didn't ruin your relationship, I murdered it and then cremated the remains. Once you lose trust, it's done.

No one wins in this kind of thing. Personally, I would swear off relationships for now and start working on recovery. Dig into your past and try to uncover the roots of your addiction. As someone who's also had experience with this hellhole type of porn, I've found the roots to be very deep: being molested as a child by my step-mother, trust issues, self-hatred, an a lack of self-worth. I don't know your history @Schizophrenic_Warfly, but I would put money that you have similar issues, especially the abuse one; it's been a very common theme I've found in the trans porn community both by users and providers.

 

This first sentence from Jerry cannot be stressed enough, indeed: The biggest step you can take is decide to do this for yourself.
If you think you have to quit a certain behavior only for the sake of meeting a partner’s desire to have a more thorough closeness or, on a bad day, more thorough grasp on you, then you will have hard time quitting, as it might feel like exchanging ‘being totally controlled by addiction’ to ‘being totally controlled by a partner’. Therefore, first of all in my view comes the aim for being myself fully under control of my life and work on all shame that leads me to go into secrecy .

I wish you good luck in finding a new partner one day with whom you can be open right from the beginning about all your behaviors!

Fully agree and my compliments, @KevinesKay , for the wisdom of your answer! (And I’m trying to learn from it!) One can indeed learn a lot from the way you address a conflict that has gone to the extreme, by not starting to argue with either person’s position, but matter-of-fact-like acknowledge that there is a situation that each one has to work on their end with the support from others, @Schizophrenic_Warfly to come to terms with why he has certain desires and whether he can address them through personal encounters rather than online outlets; @Revenadd to find out what approach to take in order not to fall into the trap again of attracting a notorious liar (and/or whether her attitudes may favor someone to become a liar) . I wish you both good luck in healing ❤️‍ from your wounds. And indeed it is never helpful to bring a personal dispute into a public forum, though i fully understand the need to vent.