Today is my 150th day clean from PMO. I am super happy, this is another threshold in my recovery. This month was very special: I went back to my hometown Buenos Aires for first time since I started my reboot. Why it was this so important? Because it was there where my fap and porn addiction started 40 years ago. I came back there to “face and fight some ghost from my past. I got bullied and molested when I was in 6th grade and I can now understand that this was the trigger for my porn addiction, as well to my bisexual fantasies. I decided to go back to that school, because since I started NoFap several memories from those years came back to my mind. I was not sure if they were all real or not. I entered the school very nervous. I asked for permission to walk around, and immediately a lot of memories came back. One of my worst memories is that three or four older kids inside a restroom surrounded me, they tried to force me to touch their genitals, I resisted and they started punching me. I had an idea where that restroom was located, as soon as I saw it I realized that this was not a bad dream, it did happened, and my mind was trying to hide it so I could forget. I was also in the courtyard and remembered that some times there were these kids that grabbed me from behind pretending that they were having sex with me, etc. The most astonishing thing is that I’ve tried to forget all this, and the result was that I sought shelter in sexual fantasies and fapping. I could not fight them so I started idolizing them, I felt weak and fantasized with getting to my knees and humiliate myself upon them. Unfortunately I could not speak out in front of my parents asking them to help me, probably because instead of feeling that I was the victim of these abuses I though that I was responsible for this harassment, that I was doing something wrong and deserved this. Three year later I changed school, got socially popular and became a leader. Nevertheless, I carried with me the “baggage” of these traumas, and kept having fantasies about men while fapping, which later became my addiction to watching gay porn and hiring male escorts. @JoeinMD wrote once: "They are human beings, they are simple guys, they are not Adonis, some god that I need to idolize". I copied this sentence in my Emergency toolbox, and helped me a lot reading this when I get an urge. When I left the school I sat down in a coffee place right in front and started writing during two hours. I could not stop. I can clearly say now that I was a victim of sexual abuses, and I hide in PMO to mitigate that pain. But I cannot stay in the victim role. I need to let this go forever. It has no sense to stay anchored in a story that happened 40 years ago. It is clear that all this could have been avoided, and I would have been happier. But fortunately I could manage to move forward in life. I have a great professional career, a wife and two sons and the pleasure of teaching in a renowned US university, which was always my dream. I kept this “leftover” inside my head, but it is time now to say goodbye to it. I am kicking the butt of these ghosts; I am telling them that it has no sense to recreate these stories any longer, because I am not that kid anymore. My addict part of the brain tries to push me again down to my knees, adoring male bodies and serving them, watching porn and fapping. But I am a grown-up man now, and I learned that we have some better moments than others in life, and I cannot keep hiding behind unreal fantasies, deceiving stories, fake idols and past stories. Getting rid of PMO helped me see all this so clear now! It is like I took away a mask from my eyes! I thank NoFap.com and NoFapAcademy.com for helping me move forward. I could have never done it without the help of Mark, Alexander and my entire fellow Fapstronauts who were there every time I needed them. Let’s keep on fighting Fercho
That's a great experience, Fercho - to revisit your roots for therapeutic purposes, especially to recall and reprocess now in a constructive way memories of abuse and all the feeling that arise which you can now look at (and maybe forgive even, seeing the brokenness of most human beings) and then choose to let that baggage go from your own life on yet a deeper level. I once did that myself when visiting family in my home state some 450 miles away from where I now live. I drove to my birth home and tried to remember my earliest memories at 3 to 4 years old, then I drove to the home I grew up to in the next town and did the same, Afterward, I drove to my elementary school, sat parked in the parking lot as I walked myself through grades 1 to 6 in my mind - any happy memory, any bad memory, how I thought of myself, who my friends were, achievements, regrets, what was happening to me in my sexual awareness, etc. Then, I drove to my junior high school (grades 7 to 8) and did the same reflection. Then High school; then my college in the next town, etc., my home parish church, some city parks, and such places where I spent time for whatever reason, etc. Basically, it was like a life review. It was quite a long time ago that I did this. By chance, as I just journaled today, I will be taking a trip to my home state next week to visit family. Maybe with the extra time that I'll have on my hands I might do the same thing again, as it's been a while. I can also bring this meditation into the context of my present PMO recovery. Congrats on 150 days!
Thank you very much @JoeinMD Your posts have been very helpful for my own reboot Good luck in your trip "back to the future" Fercho
Thank you @g2stop I like the word "catharsis ", I felt that strong internal force to write after visiting that school that was amazing, ideas and words were flowing, like suddenly being inspired Fercho
One of the most powerful sentences a human being can pronounce. And I'm sure this sentence is the starting point for everyone of us on this community. Life can start again, whenever. You're the only one who owns the power and strenght to pick yourself up and build something new and better. My friend @fercho29 , congrats! You are a true source of inspiration for us all here and I'd like to thank you for your words and constant motivation. You really deserve the bright life you're living now! Stay strong!
Congratulations! Very impressive! Keep up the excellent work, and maintain your strong guard -- now, even more than ever! "Temptation" has a special mode targeted specifically at those who have reached significant milestones in resisting it. So, if and when it tries to tell you "Great work on those 150 days! Now you deserve a little 'reward'!" ... learn to tell it: "Go to hell, asshole! The 'reward' that I really DO deserve is yet another 150 days of success!" I was happy to read that you have been blessed with a wife that has been so supportive of this process. Indeed, the struggle is much easier when you are not alone!
Thank you very much for your comments @Yesodi You are right, the voices of temptation inside my head come suddenly when I less expect them. Some times it gets easier to get rid of these urges immediately , using the inner dialogues as you describe. Some times it takes more work and will power. The course of NoFap Academy has been very useful for me, it gave me more tools to cope with the temptations You are right, telling to my wife was very important, although some times it fires back in some discussions, she has been very understanding but I know that she is hurled by the fact that I hide this so many years Keep on fighting Fercho
