My confession

***TRIGGER WARNING***

Before I start, I'm going to just rip the knife out of my chest. I've seen really, really, really disgusting shit on the internet. I've seen loli, and depictions of CP (I still don't remember if it was real or not though).

I saw a disgusting ad that had a chi**'s face, with tits overlayed on it with a red background, nude loli scene in a softcore hentai comic (before I realised it was actually mixed hentai/loli), loli in general while scrolling, and I remember seeing thumbnails on a porn site, and the girls looked quite young, however I don't know if that's just me assuming they’re underage (from POCD or something and I'm getting older), or if it was actual underage shit. This loop is still going on in my head.

I first was exposed to porn when I saw a thumbnail with Princess Peach naked (with censor bars), that was my first exposure and I was curious about porn ever since. I first started my porn use when I looked up “Princess Peach naked”, or “Princess Peach bikini” on Google images, and I remember scrolling for ages. I then started looking up "belly button" in YouTube in around 2012 or 2013 (I was 11/12 at the time). I used to watch belly button porn as that was my fetish at the time. It started off just with women doing belly button challenges (like putting ice cubes in there, or using ear buds to clean it and smell it), and then belly button fingering, poking, licking, and so on. I was also masturbating to bikini pictures on Google images, and using deviantart for hentai for Princess Peach, Rosalina, Daisy, and so on in bikinis. I had/have a belly button fetish for as long as I can remember. I remember being a kid and being quite aroused by the belly button, before I knew what porn was.

By 2014, I was masturbating and watching belly button porn on Youtube every single night. Then, I saw a video called “hot navel comparison”, which involved two blondie woman comparing each other’s belly buttons (and fingering them, poking, talking about it, etc.). This was one of the first videos that extremely aroused me, more powerfully than the other simple fingering videos.

In 2019/2020, I started moving off from Youtube and onto Pornhub. The reason why is because the “hot navel comparison” video got deleted off from Youtube, and it was moved onto Pornhub. I remember thinking “I shouldn’t be on Pornhub as it has actual porn on it, but I’m only going to use it for this video only”, however you can probably imagine that it didn’t last very long. I eventually was using Pornhub everyday for belly button porn. This continued everyday.

On 14th December, 2020, Pornhub decided to delete every single non-verified video off Pornhub (because it was recently discovered that Pornhub had CP on it). This means that it deleted the “hot navel comparison” video. This made me look up “hot navel comparison” on Google, and I clicked on the first link in the videos tab. The site was called pornzo* (the star is censoring a letter), and there were others like hcli*s, and so on, non-standard sites like PornHub or X-Videos, etc.

THIS IS WHERE IT STARTS GOING BAD.

I clicked on the video on the site, which then redirected me to another site (but I didn’t realize this at the time), and I clicked play and masturbated to the video that I wanted.

After I was done, I scrolled down, and there was a banner advertisement with a chi**’s face, showing tits, on a red background. I was horrified and disgusted, and left the site immediately (however I can’t remember if I scrolled back up to the video to “clean myself” from what the fuck I just saw). I then went to sleep thinking what the fuck just happened. However I don't know if that ad was actually real or not.

The next night I made a REALLY stupid mistake. I decided to go BACK to that site. The reason why is because I thought the ad was just some temporary thing, but no, it was actually the SAME ad on that site. I clicked off immediately.

Then, I made an even DUMBER mistake. I realized that the webpage with the CP ad was actually a popup, so I decided to get a popup blocker on my phone so I could watch the video in a safe site with no CP on it. I just realized however that this is an extremely selfish and stupid decision. I just realized that I’m willing to go to dodgy websites that even have CP on them just to get what I wanted. I don’t know how to deal with this guilt and shame.

After that, I just went back to Youtube and XVideos to get belly button porn.

In the middle of 2022, I made the worst mistake of my life. I decided once again to go back to pornzo*. The reason is because I wanted to see yet another belly button video that was deleted from Pornhub, it was called “hot belly teasing” or something like that, which again involved two blondie woman teasing and licking each others belly buttons. This was on the same fucking site as before. So, I actually got hooked on that site as it had all the belly button porn I wanted from Pornhub. Why are all these videos going to pornzo* and all those other dodgy sites and not X-videos or something???? This I never understood why. When I clicked on pornzo*, my heart was beating so hard because I was worried I’m going to see a CP ad again. When I saw that the ads were adults, I had a huge sigh of relief, and thought that the site was safe (the site even had a warning at the bottom, saying that “CP is a federal offence and shouldn’t be on this site” or something like that, but that still doesn’t stop people from uploading anything they wanted to these weird sites).

I remember one night where I was scrolling belly button porn on pornzo*, and I clicked on a video that just had the belly showing in the thumbnail, and a girl walked up to the camera. The only thing I remember is thinking “she looks quite young, I should click the fuck off”, and that happened twice. Now I’m just going through that memory with anxiety, worrying if she was underage or not. This memory actually got repressed for a long time, until it resurfaced when I first started thinking about all this shit. It’s impossible to prove or disprove the memory which is what causes the anxiety. However I do remember looking for belly button teasing, fingering, etc. and scrolling for ages from beginning to end without ever seeing a single CP thumbnail, so who knows.

One night I decided to type up “hentai navel” in pornzo*, and I remember seeing a thumbnail involving an asian girl sucking a dick in dark lighting. She looked very young in that thumbnail, and I remember thinking it was CP and almost vomiting. I saw another thumbnail where the girl was looking upwards in darkness, like there was a torch shining on her face or something. She also looked young, but to this day I don’t know if it was real underage shit or if it was just me being all POCD about it because she looked slightly young (and I’m getting older, I was 21 at the time). I clicked off and never went back there again, and I also reported that stupid fucking site.

Around this time I started to get curious about hentai. Specifically, belly button hentai. I looked up navel hentai, or something similar on Google, and got onto a hentai website. I went onto a hentai comic, and it had a girl fingering her belly button (with clothes on). I was extremely aroused by that. I clicked off, and later I wanted to masturbate to it again. I wanted to see what they were saying (as girls talking about belly buttons was also my fetish), so I copied and pasted part of the speech bubbles to an image translator. After a few pages, there was a nude scene, and I saw 3 women, and 1 girl, and I remember thinking “wait, why has she shorter than the rest? Why has she got small tits? WAIT, WHAT. THE. FUCK.” and I immediately clicked off, and went to bed. Later I forgot about it, but around this time I also decided that I should just quit porn, as you don’t know what you’re going to stumble across on the internet. About a year later I was looking up “hentai navel” or something on Google images, and I stumbled across the cover page for that hentai/loli comic, and it had 3 or 4 girls (all clothed in belly shirts), and one of the girls was shorter than the rest. Now I understand that it was actually a loli, but at the time that didn’t even occur to me, or if it did, it was just “oh she’s just a short woman or something”, not fucking loli.

After that I started going to deviantart for hentai belly button stuff, and the content slowly escalated to torture genres, with tentacles and drills going into the belly button. I decided to quit that shit when I stumbled across loli multiple times. Even Google images has fucking loli in it.

The second half of 2022, is when I started getting anxiety. I remember watching a video on Youtube on how to be a fighter pilot or something, and he said that applicants have “background checks”. In this moment, I thought, “oh no, does that include my dodgy internet history?”. This was just an itch though, and I could still function in the day. One day I remembered that I uploaded speech bubbles from a hentai/loli comic, and this REALLY FUCKED ME UP. I thought “Oh no, I technically tampered with loli, what if I get in serious trouble for this?”, and I remember thinking “it was just text, it was just a speech bubble, it was before the nude scene”, and this reassurance just made the anxiety worse and worse and worse, then at one point I got so much anxiety and paranoia that I couldn’t eat for a few days, and then all the shit porn memories started to haunt me ever since. This is when I thought “enough is enough, I should actually fucking quit porn now”, and this started my journey into quitting porn.

The thing about the loli speech bubble incident is that I can’t “forget” about it like all the other loli encounters, because I sent a speech bubble to a translator, then making me “tampering” with loli. However that was before I realized it was fucking loli before the nude scene, and now I’m going through extreme shame, anxiety and guilt because of that. I’ve also been feeling extremely ashamed for all the other shit as well. I've been crying so hard that these days my emotions are just not there anymore. I just feel numbed from all the extreme pain.

I also remember one night while scrolling on Google images, seeing "girls with belly shirts" or "girls lifting up the shirt to reveal belly button", and clicking on it, and for some reason Google decided to take the word "girl" a little too literally, and IT WAS LITERALLY PAGES FULL OF UNDERAGE KIDS IN BELLY SHIRTS. Sure, it wasn't illegal, they were stock photos, but it still fucks me up to this day.

I don’t know what to do with my life. If I've ruined my life, well so be it. I really fucking hate porn, my mental health is entirely ruined, to the point where if anyone mentions pe****ilia or something, I get extreme anxiety and shame because of all the shit I’ve seen.

I confessed everything to my parents and close family members, and when I first confessed to my parents I had the biggest crying breakdown of my life. And to a point, that did help a lot to get this shit off my chest, but the shit memories are still there.

To anyone reaching the end of this mess, thank you for reading.

 

Thanks for the support. I'm not sure what to get from your comment.

 

I understand deleting the "why the fuck would you post this nonsense", but please let all opinions open to the public. I want to know the truth about my actions, good or bad. Thank you.

 

Thank you for the kind words. They mean a lot to me. I actually haven't watched porn almost a year (last time I watched softcore porn was almost 1 year ago on Youtube and Google images, and last time I watched actual porn was 1.5 years ago on X-Videos). However I haven't have a good commitment to quitting masturbation yet, I'm doing that now.

Again, thank you for the kind words.

 

What I'm also feeling really shit about, is that I just realised that the scenes before the nude scene also had loli, therefore I fapped to loli, even if I didn't realise it at the time (as she was clothed, so it wasn't immediately obvious). This made me realise that I actually fapped to loli, and that fact makes me feel extremely shit about myself. I don't know how to move forward from this. The shame is driving me to insanity. The cognitive and emotional dissonance is fucking maddening.

Before I just felt shit about myself at a legal level (because of the loli and shit), but now I feel shit about myself at a moral level (because I fapped to loli).

 

Softcore loli, and there was a nude scene (no sexual acts however).

 

I seriously need help with this. My mental health has just taken a complete dive. Just anyone, please.