Starting a journal M28PA for 17 years, like many of you i too have the most perfect partner and had everything going for me. Unlike some of you i chose to lie. And lie. And lie. And... you get the point. I know i could never do better that what i had but nothing not even seeing my perfect partner broken and hurting so much would stop me from finding a way to act out untill i learned the word accountability and had a good look at myself and my life. Im so ashamed that i wouldnt do it for her when i had a million chances to. I havent counted my days of abstinence but im somewhere around 4/5 months porn free with a few slips no relapses number one issue is daily communication wiith my partner in regards to my betrayals. I retreat constantly, feeling like im never understood and that any conversation will lead to mass conflict which ends so badly for everyone involved. Im constantly feeling ashamed and acting defencively whilst discussing triggering topics. We have lately been discussing objectification in public as this is something i had previously gaslit my partner over countless times when called out and i had maintained the lie that i didnt notice other women. I have admitted to having visual cues that draw my attention and to struggling with people watching in busy environments. I also expressed to my partner that ive realised that i have at times looked down on women who i found unattractive throughout my life. im deeply ashamed of these beliefs and how ive contributed to the struggle that women are all faced with these days and my partner has every right to be disgusted to her core with me. I have reached the cap of self loathing and feel so overwhelmed in how to help my partner, i need to pick us back up but i can only seem to understand how to give up details but cant seem to offer support for my partner and hope for this relationship whilst the pain of the details is all consuming. I feel so emotionally inadequate for my partner and it genuinly isnt fair on her after everything.
I would suggest finding people who you can start talking to about this stuff other than just your partner. If you only talk to her about it, and it ends in burning flame and ashes, it's just going to reinforce shame. I think the best way to get better at these conversations with you wife is to practice having them. And that means finding people who aren't going to be triggered so that you can work through how to have conversations that often are very hard to have. In time it will be easier to then articulate that to your partner.
