Hello Gents I have been having therapy over the last year I am on my second therapist. Think I went so far with the first one and then decided to stop then felt if I really wanted to get better then I should keep going with a new one. What led me to therapy was discovering yourbrainonporn.com. As I read through the articles I saw myself in the accounts of all the other men getting hooked on porn and the effects it was having on their lives. And when I read about hocd (homosexual OCD) I thought thats me finally I have the answer. So I contacted a therapist spend a small fortune and worked through some of my shit. Got to a good point but don't think we ever really dealt with the issues. Don't know if I have HOCD probably don't. I did give up PMO but continued MO for a very short period probably a month and then started PMO again. We touched on the subject of PMO but if I am honest I think the therapist dismissed it and never really explored it with me. We did some work on my core beliefs which was good useful but not really dealt with the real issues. I started with a new therapist a couple of months ago we are on the 8th session today and in an hours time I will sit down and spill my guts over my porn addiction and the issues it has caused in my life. Yes we have talked for 7 hours about whats making me so unhappy and I never discussed the issues I have with sexuality and porns part to play in all this. The truth is I was confused over my sexuality for years " Why would I MO over a man when I don't find them attractive" I reached a point of acceptance which was "so what I have a leaning to being a bit curious" and then came high speed internet porn and hey presto to get the dopamine rush I desired I had to up the anti when I discovered transwoman porn that was it that gave me the biggest rush. I am ashamed to admit this even anomalously to strangers. Of course someone who questioned their sexuality as a young man then starts watching transwoman porn and well it just screwed me up it was my dirty secret. 8 days PMO free and about to tell a therapist the lot; really nervous but determined to pick this apart and get some balance and congruence in my life. I am a married man have an amazing wife who knows most of whats going on including the PMO and the sexuality issues. I consider myself as straight and that's not going to change.
bken I love women been intimate with many many women in my time been in love many times also always with women. Its PMO to transwomen and men that's causing me issues but always been 100% sure that I like women. I have quit porn and right now I am certain I will never go back to watching the stuff. During my therapy today we ended up talking shame and how much I feel its consuming me totally overwhelming me its manifested in my every breath caused me to have a bad neck and lose friends, work opportunities and held me back. Today felt like a cathartic moment for me. Keep you all posted for next weeks therapy
You don't have to prove anything Master Bates, A lot of guys including myself have been there... It is what porn does. Stop looking at it and you'll be fine. The doubt that it creates can never be good. Good luck with the therapy..
Much of the personal growth that happens when in therapy happens outside of the room, in between sessions. Well this is what a therapist will tell you and my experience Is, that this is true. I laid awake from about 5am this morning thinking through everything I had discussed yesterday. We never got around to talking about my problem with porn. I will speak about this and work on it in therapy at a later session I wasn't avoiding it. We spoke a lot about a funeral that I had been to about death and my fears around death. And then I told the psychotherapist about experiences I had as a child secrets I had kept for my whole life never told anyone not even my wife until yesterday. Sexual experiences and the shame I carry and pushed down all my life the same shame I feel now around porn. So this leaves me thinking what came first the shame or the porn the porn or the shame is my addiction to porn induced by the shame I feel due to childhood sexual experiences that were wrong or is the shame I feel because of the material I viewed on high speed internet porn sites. Is there a link or would I have become addicted despite my shame and childhood experiences. So this poses a question for all you fappers on here what causes us to become addicted is it an addiction problem per se or symptomatic of underlying issues around sex and sexuality intimacy and loss? I don't have the answers not yet and I guess the answer is different and unique for all of us. Human beings are multi layered complex beings with a multitude of experiences and innate personality traits. I know one thing sitting at a computer spanking the monkey 5 times a day to porn isn't helping find the answers and is only screwing me up even more.
Some people might say I am weird. Right now I can't wait to get back in the therapy room its like I have started spilling my guts telling all my secrets and now I just want to finish. I want to give the therapist more pieces of the jigsaw that led me to this point sat at this computer on nofap instead of being on my second wank of the day (its 0902 and I am alone I would be on number two by now if I was still a complete wanker) So I have to wait until next Tuesday its like I am starting to get better and I can smell freedom and its been a longtime coming its not just porn addiction I think that is a symptom of deeper issues an escape a rush a cycle of, anxiety - porn - masturbation - orgasm - shame - resolve and then around and around we go again. Be strong fellow Fappers.......
