Should I tell my wife that i frequented a site in which I paid money to chat with women and have them strip for me? Or is telling her that i watched a lot of porn (she already knows) and am eliminating my bad habits enough? I am conflicted as to how much detail to divulge. Suggestions?
How much do you want to tell her? Telling her every detail might cause unnecessary pain. Do you feel anything for those women that's different from watching porn? Probably not, but she will probably feel worse about that than about you "just" watching porn. I would tell her you have trouble quitting porn though.
Think of it as telling your story and then allowing a Q&A part afterward. You want to tell your story and hit all the major points but not get bogged down with details. Tell her where you are at and how you got there. You need to be honest and truthful. Omitting important details like camming can (and will) be viewed as lying. Remember this important point, although the porn (and other things) are bad, our wives view our secretive behavior, deceit, and lying as much worse. No one likes to feel like they've been tricked. Be sure to accept all responsibility and consequences. Allow some time afterward to answer questions. Answer them truthfully and as honestly as possible. Do not try to 'spare' her feelings. Of course you do not want to be cruel or brutally honest. But check your motives and see if you are trying to protect yourself and not your wife. Assure her that this is not her fault... take ownership of the problem. Follow up with her the next day because she needs time to process and many have more questions. Also be sure to acknowledge that you have hurt her and need to rebuild her trust in you. Don't make it all about you and your problems. Show her you are making progress and care about her by taking concrete, visible steps that show you are doing everything possible to make things better.
Within the past 5 years or so I have progressed to interacting with women online as opposed to just viewing them. I feel now that this behavior was worse than anything I had done before. It is eating at me but at the same time fear her reaction if I told her. She would be upset with the money spent (hundreds of dollars) but more upset at the level of intimacy. I admit interacting with the women was much more attractive for me than simply watching some video. I fear this cyber cheating would not be forgiven by her like the past revelations I have made.
I understand, but that is part of the consequences of our actions. Addiction is a crazy thing... it makes us do stupid and risky things but ultimately it is us performing those acts. If you want to be open and honest then you need to tell the whole truth. If you want to improve your relationship then you cannot build it on a foundation of omitted information. If she were to discover any major omissions then that could destroy any progress you make and make any secondary recovery almost impossible. Our wives are pretty smart people and they can tell when we are holding things back. Hopefully you can get to the point where you educate her (or she can educate herself) about addiction and how there is a downward spiral of behavior due to a tolerance build up. It is a clinical, mental health problem. But because of the intense personal nature of this particular addiction she is going to take it personally. There is no way to avoid that. We can avoid having a disastrous disclosure, but there is no path that leads to a GOOD disclosure. It doesn't matter how well we word it or what information we include... it's how they react to it. And that is totally out of our control. It is scary and unpredictable. The only thing you can do is to show her in concrete ways that you are taking responsibility to make things better. And that starts by humbling yourself by telling the truth and throwing yourself on her mercy.
I just feel things may be different this time if I come clean with this new information. When I told her several years ago about my issues i purposely left the cam site information out. She asked if i had told her everything and I lied by saying yes. I feel if i admit to this now our marriage may not survive. At the same time i feel if i am truly going to beat this addiction i need to come completely clean about my actions. Thanks for your advice. I am going to have to think about this one some more.
I understand. The logical side of the brain knows the right thing to do. The emotional side wants to avoid it at all costs. It's natural to avoid something that is going to cause us pain. If you need some input then write out a script, post it in the 'Rebooting in a Relationship' folder, and ask for feedback. That might give you a little more confidence before having the 'Big Talk'.
