Doubts, Depression

Hey everyone. Im on day 57 of a hard mode reboot, and I've been doubting for a while now the entire process of nofap. Before this, I failed a 67 day streak without hard mode. I've been feeling very depressed and anxious and I've realized that I haven't been getting any real noticeable benefit from no pmo and that the superpowers were maybe not quite as real as I once thought. I've also been sick with the flu for 6 weeks now, which has made school, work, and gym very difficult. Even if I could get anywhere with a girl right now I wouldn't want to get them sick. It has turned into chronic bronchitis and nothing is helping it to go away. But right now the biggest factor in my depression is my inability to make things work with women. I havent felt any superpowers and I havent felt any shift in the vibes that I've been giving off. Women treat me the same.

What has really gotten to me though today is that a girl from my work who I have a crush on, and who I've been having trouble reading since I met her, basically ignored my attempt to inititiate connections on social media. While she is nice in person, I also have some reasons to believe that maybe she dislikes me or even feels bad for me and is just being nice. I've thought that maybe she liked me back at one point, but that seems pretty doubtful now. My biggest fear is that she thinks I'm creepy. She is the biggest reason for why I'm feeling so depressed, but there are many others that seem to just fall through the cracks and it never works out. I can't seem to attract people to me like some others do, and while I am good looking, it is not enough without natural and fluid social skills.

In all honesty I've been getting a feeling of despair and feeling hopeless because a lot of things in my life are very very bad. I suffer from some mental illness and I've had a lot of extremely traumatic events in my past. I don't communicate with my family because of their betrayals apart from my dad and that's not great either. I latched on to nofap because it was something new that I hadn't tried and thought that maybe it could be my answer along with changing other habits. I wanted to get away from porn because I didn't like the extreme nature and guilt from some of the niches I had gotten into and the increasingly extreme nature of things I'd been looking at. I wanted to feel more confident in everyday life and not guilty every time I had a release.

In these 57 days I haven't had a single release, no wet dreams, nothing. And yet while I get morning wood and erections from time to time, I feel my sex drive has been gradually going down. I don't mean to be a downer for all those of you who are making things work with no pmo. I guess I'm just looking for a reason to want to continue.

 

Thanks for the support guys. I do feel that I have too much on my plate or at least I am at the limit of what I can handle. I have a hard time telling myself that I can't do something or having to sacrifice some aspect of my life for another. I would rather not sleep. But it is probably something I should learn in moderation. Also yes I do see a professional about my issues, but its an imperfect system so I am lucky to see them once in a month. About the sickness, I am now being told that it's a sinus infection and have been put on some new antibiotics. Seems to be doing the trick but too early to say. I never know what to think first it felt like the flu then became chronic cough and bronchitis and now they're saying this. About body imbalances, I am very healthy, going to the gym almost every day and eat healthy, but the mental aspect is always there. I do my best to keep an even balance in my life when it comes to health in body and mind. Still it's motivating enough to see you guys offering support and I know that even though I'm having a tough time right now I'm at least going to stick it out and make it to 90+ days.

 

As for social media, I think I will delete it soon or at least have it deactivated while I'm in this process. It would help in my recovery not seeing somewhat sexual related images of people I know on facebook etc.. About this girl, I suppose it's tough because of the girls I know she is the one I'm around the most and is probably the most attractive. I was already hypersexual when I was giving in to this addiction but now that I'm denying myself the pmo, it seems to almost always be the only thing on my mind even if I'm at school or work. I've been doing a pretty good job most of the time diverting my eyes etc... and trying to see women more and more as human beings and not objects of gratification. I guess it's progress in that I actually like this girl and her personality, which makes it that much harder that I feel it's not going anywhere.