I see a lot of posts from lonely single guys. I’ve been married over 30 years and have not had any physical intimacy with my wife in over 4 years. It’s very lonely. She has no physical desire for me. I work out and stay in shape, but nothing.
Time to see a marriage counselor. Have you consulted anyone? Did you have a conversation with your wife about it? Have you asked her, what she thinks is the "real" problem?
Im getting divorced, 3 years of a loveless/affectionless relationship was more than enough for me, especiall as she didn't want to deal with any of the issues. people change I guess. But just because you're with someone 30 years doesn't mean you have to be with them for 31. There is a certain kind of peace in being single.
Not really an option. She has grounds to divorce me based on my past infidelity. I don’t (at least in our faith tradition) have the grounds for it.
I heard of some couples that want to stay married but find sleeping in different beds or even have their own rooms help with their issues. Maybe you guys just need to allow some space to be individuals and figure out what you both want.
We did that for a while last time I was here. It’s not a bad idea. 2-3 nights a week I end up leaving the bedroom anyway. We have a lot of space so I’m not stuck in the bedroom with her.
Well perhaps consider setting up a more permanent spare room for yourself, and give yourself time to heal and focus on rebuilding. Be kind to yourself. Trust and healing take time. Do the 90 days no PMO before even thinking about sex. And don't worry about all the single lonely posts, everyone has a different path.
Sorry to hear of your situation @NewJohnQ . Do the 2 of you have similar interests? Would doing something you both enjoy, consistently, be possible? To rekindle something.
Yes, and an excellent suggestion. We do have some outdoors interests and I find the outdoors to be very life giving. Winter in the Midwest can make that a bit challenging, but we seize the outside moments we can.
This sounds very very very weird. What happened? Did you ever talk to her about it? what does she usually say?
I get that you’re feeling lonely, and I don’t want to be insensitive but it looks like you’re missing the big picture here. You, as a husband, were supposed to love your wife. As a man, you should have done this with a strength of love that goes beyond whatever problems are happening in your marriage. Instead, despite knowing she had childhood trauma, you abandoned your charge and did the opposite of what you needed to do for her. This is why she isn’t sleeping with you. She doesn’t care how you look. She cares about how you’ve made her feel. The past 4 years of noSex plainly tell us that she still doesn’t feel better about you yet. You, sir, have a wife that’s stuck by you even though you’ve done something horrible to her. You are very lucky. You want to sleep with her again? Stop running away from your problems and take radical responsibility for yourself. I’d recommend you put away the self-pity for being lonely and look upon your situation with the thankfulness it deserves. So, how are you going to fix this? Or, let me ask you a different way, what is the biggest thing that you don’t want to do that may make things better?
You make a lot of good points. One thing I’ve learned about myself is that I have not been willing to suffer well. When our sex life started sliding downhill and she would one by one restrict activities that we were doing regularly (normal husband and wife sexual activities, nothing kinky or weird), I sought sexual satisfaction elsewhere. I am learning to suffer well, even if it means a life of celibacy, which I suspect it will.
I see you are suffering a bit too much. With a lot of self guilt and judgemental conversations from others, doesn't help anyone. How about forgiveness? Are you able to forgive yourself? To err is human. We all make mistakes. Making mistakes tells us we are humans, and to mend our ways and move forward is what makes us better humans.
I am suffering. But I’m not suffering well. I seek out relief from my suffering at the expense of my peace. Long term, learning to suffer well will gain me strength and give me peace.
I have to admit that I am probably one of the single and lonely guys you have talked about and sometimes, I can't help but wonder if I deservere to be alone. @NewJohnQ I can fully relate to your struggle you stay in shape yet your wife isn't attracted to you. I try to stay in shape, persevere through struggles head on, and do what I can to make it through each week. Yet when it comes to love sex or relationships that's when I think things fall flat for me.
