Okay so I understand most of the cognitive and physical downfalls of sexual addictions, but I find one of the most destroying aspects is that of Guilt and shame. Sure it's easy to feel guilt from disrespecting and objectifying an image of a person. But I never thought that I would feel guilt and shame from having sex with my wife. I believe there are two types of sexual experiences I can share with her. A connection that is pure and selfless. A connection of togetherness with her. After this encounter I feel edified knowing that we just had an awesome and positive experience together. It gets me though the rest of the day with a pep in my step, and it brings a new level of joy to our marriage. The other experience is an experience of selfishness (99% on my side). This is where I need something from her and I usually beg and plead to get it. It feels great in the moment, but after the fact I leave feeling empty. It shares the same feeling as when I PMO. It makes me want to add to my journey of NoFap a HARD mode, but modified. I want to have sex with my wife because I believe it is good and beneficial to our marriage. But I want it to come about authentically and cherish the moments like the first sexual experience I described above. I will try to no longer beg or push my wife into having sex.
I understand you big time. Is the frequency of real sex low? My wife started to better appreciate sex after I stopped PMO'ing. But before, I needed to write a memo to have sex. I found that this video helps: some lower sex drive person need physical arousal to trigger desire...its the wrong way around and causes issues. It should be: 1-desire, 2-physical sex arousal (preliminaries), then 3 (climax, orgasm) But for some folks: 2-physical sex arousal (preliminaries), 1-desire, then 3 (climax, orgasm) They have tendency to refuse sex when you ask, just because they don't feel like it. But they love it when its started. Its sometimes caused by busy life, kids at home, chores, both partners working and tired at night, financial woes or other. Real life getting in the way of desire. My advice, watch the video and see if it applies, then watch it with the wife! Now, I don't do guilty-beggy sex, because the wife comes forward more often, and she wants more. that solves the issue naturally!
I feel like I can relate to this a bit. Having sex with the spouse and still feeling guilty, because it was selfish and might as well have just been PMO. A couple things I've learned... 1. It's still better than PMO. A connection still happens, whether you try or not, so that's still good on some level. 2. For me, having sex more often helps this. Having sex when you're not crazy super horny and begging for it forces you to get more into the experience to find something to be aroused about. So for me, I would say scheduling sex rather than waiting for it to come naturally, can actually be a good thing. Another comment on that note... idk what your marriage is like, but if I waited for things to come naturally every time, I would probably hardly ever have sex at all. Life is so busy and things just get in a pattern sometimes. Sometimes scheduling is kind of helpful and necessary. But anyway, I know what you mean, and it's good to recognize that difference and want to fix it. There are too many people who basically have the philosophy that if you're doing it with a woman, that makes it all good and better and perfect. But that doesn't get to the root of the problem, which is lust and selfishness and greed and objectification.
Thank you for this post, man! I feel like this describes my husband precisely. Lol that makes a lot of sense and explains so much to me. That's great knowledge!
Yah! scheduling is a great idea. I think we tried to toss around the idea of scheduling before but it felt a bit forced. We are only in our second year of marriage and we are 24 and 26 so I think we are still figuring out how things work in the long haul. I think scheduling could be a valuable asset.
@T.R. Kruse , glad to help. The lady in the video has such a great way to explain things too. @TakingTheSteps , I was scared shyzzless when I noted you quoted me. Because this point I'm trying to explain can be interpreted badly. Thanks for taking the time to read and relate! It's not ABOUT "she say no but she wants to..", It's clearly, he or she doesn't think about SEX, doesn't have desire and don't develop desire first. Desire is offset and is is triggered only when sex has started.
Lol! That's hilarious no, I totally get what you mean. That's definitely how my husband is. It's not a bad thing, but it's good to understand. Sounds like we are on similar paths I'll be at 3 years in July. There's definitely a big learning curve. Lol
I might be kind of in the same boat as @T.R. Kruse. I have been married for almost two years, anniversary is in a couple months. We have had some fights about the amount of sex and it is the lack of sex which is my fault for pretty much not having a sex drive. Now that I can a lot of times it is really quick and not too long ago we had a big fight. A lot of it and desire comes from that deep care of your SO. Maybe flirting or something. So when you are forcing yourself to have sex or if it just feels like sex because there is no romance or a lot of foreplay she might not enjoy it too much. A lot of times that is why I feel that ashamed and guilty feeling. Not sure if that helped or if that is what you were talking about. Let me know because we might be in the same spot kind of.
@nitsuj0786 I agree, I think it is easier for me to take the easy way and put no effort into the experience/ foreplay, in order to get a 'quickie' in. If I'm honest with myself I would say that I can put a lot more effort into caring and nurturing her.
I was a lot like #2, but after awhile when you realize you're the only one ever initiating and caring if it happens one way or another, you eventually quit asking or trying. My asking is down to every few months. Our marriage is more of a "friends with benefits".
For me the quickie didn't come out of being selfish but out of fear that if I have too much foreplay or if I don't finish quick enough I will go flaccid. So I developed a fear of sex because of the embarrassment of PIED. It is starting to go away now and I can last a little longer. So now I am working on more intimacy and foreplay so I can be in the moment with her instead of me trying to get in done before I go soft. I still enjoyed it but felt bad because I know she got very little out of it because I couldn't last that long. It go ridiculous like 2 mins would be a good day. If you are reading this and not sure if porn is having an effect on you, you need to be aware of what has happened to others.
The "before-play" ideas from this video (and others from Jacqueline Hellyer) made a lot of sense to me, and they work. It make our everyday love connection effortless, so that when we do get busy, it feels right and easy. There's no shame what-so-ever when these tips are applied. It is said, "A woman's sex drive is water, and a man's is fire." It takes your heat, time, and savvy to get her water to boil.
I guess that for somebody like you, here on NoFap and looking for answers, I would say that you should consider trying to do something for the wife that is totally for her, without any expectations in return. That way, you can re-learn how to love and spend some time on it. Taking your time to please the wife and be romantic might require an effort to you in the first place, but you might need to re-train on that part.
