I discovered NoFap quite by accident 2 years ago whilst searching online about porn addiction. I tried and relapsed a couple of times and then managed a really long period without any PMO - something like 100 days or thereabouts. Then I got complacent. Real sex had massively improved and my love for my partner finally seemed to be reflected in our sexual life for the first time again in ages. I was so sure PMO was behind me. It actually astonished me that I'd ever got so trapped. But a few months ago, some time after I stopped visiting this site, I started fapping again, initially without porn ( OK) , then with some pretty mild porn, ( less Ok) and over time, gradually and without any real sense that I was day by day slipping back into an abyss, I was right back where I started. I was up searching for porn, fapping multiple times a day, neglecting my relationship, finding fault in my partner's physical appearance but all the time, generally deluding myself that everything was ok and that I needed porn to 'keep things fresh' or that I deserved it as a treat for me, that it wasn't hurting anyone etc. Total sh*t in fact but I genuinely believed this. I thought NoFap was a bit sad. I actually pitied people involved in it. You were missing out on so much... Then this week I hit rock bottom. One of my " rules" was that I must never act on any of my porn fantasies or actually physically cheat on my long term partner. This week I broke that rule and I feel worse than I thought possible. I feel hollow and worthless and quite frankly terrified. I thought I was a decent person - if flawed - and that my moral compass was strong enough to draw a line when it came to fidelity. In fact through all this porn and fapping crap - actual physical fidelity was never in question. ( Mentally I guess I was a total whore but... ) The thing I did this week was wrong. I knew it was wrong when I was doing it but I just couldn't or wouldn't stop myself. I won't go into detail - there'd be part of me that might enjoy sharing it and I don't want to risk that but suffice to say that I paid for it, it involved my sexual humiliation and the most frightening part is - as I write this - I can't tell you that I'd categorically never end up doing it again. It's like I've developed a taste for sexual crack cocaine. As a gay man there is a lot of sex on offer out there and being monogamous was always going to be something that had to be worked on. My rationale was that porn helped keep me physically monogamous but now I'm sure that isn't true. In fact, I think it is the exact opposite. I feel certain that porn and fapping endlessly to fantasy sex scenes where there are no consequence or true feelings involved actually has the effect of normalising such behaviour. I think watching hard core porn eventually paved the way for me acting it out. I needed to up the fix. Ultimately this involved going out and getting it. This is something that absolutely terrifies me. I feel very trapped and helpless. I'm back here because I believe it is the right thing to do. It is worth trying again but I'll be honest I feel like I'm standing at the bottom if Mount Everest this morning. I've completed one full 36 hour period of absolute abstinence. It's already beginning to feel unsustainable long term but I think if I don't stop this now I'll end up hurting my partner and regretting it for the rest of my life. I hope I can be more upbeat and inspirational in future but I can't manage that right now. Thanks for reading.
Thanks for your support. I know given time - it will get easier. I just hope I haven't gone too far this time.
Your story terrifies me and it humbles me to realize that I can never get sloppy with myself. Thanks fo sharing. I know how it is to feel out of control and feel that this will never leave you, and it might not never fully leave you. And actually I hope it doesn't. I hope there will always be a part of me that remembers what it means to be sorry, ashamed and humbled. I also hope that I will through my struggles here, be able to surpass that part of me, and just let become a reminder of how I don't want to live. My friend, you have been here before. You have already done great and seen and tasted the light. Okay, so you thoughts were not fully tuned like you would have liked, but now new information has come to you, and you must work a little bit more and little bit harder to correct for that mistake. You have gotten feedback, and that feedback tells you that you are not where you want to be yet. You character can get even better and more beautiful. You have already started anew with abstaining and I hope you get a little bit more ruthless with yourself as well. Stay strong
Thank you for your story. I'm closing in on my 90 days and I was almost considering to fap to celebrate. Thank you for reminding me that the temptation is always there and how easy it is to fall back into old habits. Don't beat yourself up and go on. You already know what you're doing this for.
Neil, I just passed my 90 days, and did just as you are considering, to celebrate. It was underwhelming.
Thanks Neil. Well done on getting to this landmark! Do anything BUT fap to celebrate. I'm looking forward to achieving the same goal!
Ripley, thank you for the story and the warning. I quit smoking 15 years ago, and by now it's not even a thought. But during the first years, I had to remain vigilant every single day. I guess it will have to be the same way with PMO.
